Stay Tuned...

OK I know I am really bad at the regular posting thing lately, a lot has been going on in the life of this single mom, death in the family, births and work...

I will get back to posting on a regular basis, goddess knows I need to...

But while I am working away on a great thought provoking post... read this little tidbit I found on salon.com.... and discuss....

I know I have a tonne to say.... soon

Court: Version 2.0

Wow has it really been that long since I last posted??

A lot has occurred in my life, and it has taken a while for it all to be processed.

At the end of August I was in court to finish reworking the parenting agreement. If you recall this was all initated by THE EX. THE EX did not show. I figure he forgot. Can you believe it? I had a feeling that would happen. No one to remind him and place a sticky note on the fridge I guess. After it became apparent that he was going to be a no-show, a court worker actually asked me if I had called to remind him!!! Yeah, apparently it should be my responsibility to remind a man, that started court proceedings to have more time to be a responsible parent, that he is due in court! My lawyer took one look at my face and said "Don't answer that!!"

Here is the Cliff's Notes version of Court, version 2.0. Court has been moved to the city where I live, much more convenient and hopefully less costly. THE EX has been court ordered to provide his financials, as he has yet to do that. He was initially ordered to do this way back in February. If he fails, he will be in contempt of court and could face jail time!! That is a bit scary! We are due in court again next month (stay tuned for version 3.0!!). I was really hoping that the judge would just make the interim agreement permanent and be done with it, but I guess he gets a few more chances to show up.

To update and sum a few things up, THE EX is still unemployed, refusing to pay support- because of the lack of funds directly relating to his lack of employment, but some how can afford to move this weekend, and the new baby is due in a month. Remember this post about a Bullet dodged?? Yeah, that just keeps becoming more and more apparent!

"Prize" Boyfriend

I just came across this article, and just had to comment.

"Zoo Weekly has urged men to submit photographs of their girl's cleavage so that readers can vote online for which woman most deserves 10,000 dollars (8,450 US) worth of plastic surgery to improve her chest."

Can you imagine if you found out your boyfriend submitted a picture??

"It's impossible to think of a more romantic gift than new breasts," magazine editor Paul Merrill said in a statement. "It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Seriously, if my boyfriend entered me in that contest, we would be done so fast!! It is one thing as a women to choose to have your boobs done, but another thing entirely to have your boyfriend try to win you one because yours aren't perfect.

Or is it? I am sure there are some women out there that wouldn't be as offended as me, in fact maybe they would be grateful that their boyfriend would be so thoughtful...

All I can say is WOW. Sometimes I think there is a very good reason why I have been single for so long.

Gardasil - Rant Warning!!

This article got me going today. It seems some "experts" are trying to imply that providing the Gardasil vaccine, young girls and women will have no control over themselves, will make them abandon all common sense and just start having unsafe sex. The wont understand what the vaccine will protect them from and what it wont.

Where as if they weren't given this needle, they would all remain chaste virgins until their wedding day.???? Well in Texas they think so. "Texas was about to become the first U.S. state to offer the vaccine but the order was overturned in May by the state legislature after social conservatives complained it would lead to sexual promiscuity."

AARRRGGGHHH!!!

I would love to know how educating and protecting our daughters by having access to this vaccine will some how "have unintended negative consequences for individuals and for society as a whole". Right.

The article goes on to say that grade 8 girls are too young to need the vaccine. Well if they want to vaccinate the majority of girls before they are sexually active, lets consider some facts should we? Let's take into consideration the following. (1) The legal age of consent in Canada is 14 (2) The average age that a women/girl has sex for the first time is 16.5 . (3) Girls are not encouraged to have their first pap test until after they have become sexually active... so wouldn't that be too late?

I want to know why there is nothing being done to "educate" the boys/ men? They are the ones that pass it on to the girls. Why is there no vaccine for them so that they cannot be carriers? Maybe it is impossible, but I doubt it.

What I cannot believe is that the article quotes Lippman saying "there is no urgency for a massive vaccination in Canada, where deaths from cervical cancer have been declining". Oh, so not enough women die of the disease to warrant a vaccine? I know more than a handful of friends who have had to have the precancerous cells removed. Maybe that isn't important enough.

My grandmother had cervical cancer. She is dieing of ovarian cancer.

I know that I will be taking my daughter to have the vaccine that may prevent her from contracting HPV, the virus that causes 70% of cervical cancer. I will discuss with her what the vaccine is meant to protect her from and what it doesn't. But not only that, I will be ensuring that there is a lot of frank discussions is our house, about Sex, so that there is no "misunderstandings". The best thing we can do for our kids is to talk to them, give them the facts.

Pretending that ML won't have sex if I don't give her this vaccine, don't talk to her about safe sex, is a disaster waiting to happen.

Armchair Traveler Reading Challenge

A little late to the challenge, and like I NEED an excuse to read more....


Here are my Six choices


1) Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry

2) Scribbling The Cat by Alexandra Fuller

3) A Mighty Heart by Marianne Pearl

4) Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

5) Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

6) The Tiger Claw by Shauna Singh Baldwin

Revelations and a "Bullet Dodged"

As you may have noticed from some of my blog posts as of late, I am having a hard time with the single life. It all has been piling up on me, the court proceedings, the every second weekend visitation, and the fact that THE EX is having another child. All of this has been really hard to cope with as of late. But....

I hate to actually admit this, but I am beginning to really enjoy my kid-free weekends. I have been to grown up movies, gone out with friends, sometimes I just do NOTHING!! I have forgotten what it was like to be 'single'. Of course, me being me, writing that makes me feel so guilty!! But truly it has been good for my soul to have some down time. Lots of people told me that I would feel this way, and I didn't believe them, so now I take it back!! OK well some of it.

ML, on the other hand is still having a very tough time with the weekend visits to her father's. She seems to be fine when she comes home, but the going doesn't seem to be getting any easier, in fact this past birthday weekend was the worst in a long time.

Now to the 'Dodged bullet'. THE EX send me an instant message saying that he wont be able to give me the child support for August! Just want to remind everyone that ML turned 4 on the weekend and I have received child support for a total of 5 months of her life. This infuriates me, as I have started to become accustomed to his support. I knew that it would most likely not last, and I should have been prepared.

Lets talk percentage for a moment shall we, 5/48 = 10.416%. That is the amount of time he has financially supported his kid. Five months out of forty-eight he has been able to come up with the cash to help pay for her everyday needs.

Now why can't be pay? Oh because he quit his job!! He has a 4 year old and a baby due in October, and he is unemployed. He has caused me stress, and you better believe that there is stress in his house at the moment. He did the same to me when I was pregnant with ML, out of work for way to long and then quitting jobs before another was lined up.

This man who I have known for almost 7 years, will never change. you know the saying, a leopard can't change its spots... I realize that I am lucky to be away from that relationship, and sometimes just need little reminders.

It makes me sad that he hasn't been able to grow up. And, if you can actually believe I am typing this, I feel for his girlfriend. I know what she is going through. I am mad at previous self for putting up with that garbage for so long in the past, but like I said, it is a bullet I feel I have dodged and left behind. As lonely as the single life gets, I would take it over the stress and anguish of dealing with THE EX about these things that will never change.

Approaching the Anniversary

On Saturday, ML's Birthday, it will be 1 year since she has had her first seizure.

I never expected this 'anniversary' to really bother me. We have a diagnosis and the medication is working wonderfully, and I am no longer afraid of EPILEPSY, but this reminder is hard. Driving up to her day home after work yesterday, brought it all back. It was on her third birthday last year, that I saw the ambulance parked outside the day home, and all those horrible memories of seeing her lying on the ground with IVs and a oxygen mask, keep coming back. Last summer was a very difficult time, as I didn't know what was wrong with her, she didn't get the official, final diagnosis until late October.

I wish that this 'anniversary' was not on her birthday, as I don't have happy recollections of her 3rd birthday. It wasn't the the "Dora" party that I had envisioned and planned. Instead it was an ambulance ride and a stay in the hospital.

I just want this Saturday to be a truly Happy Birthday for my little girl.

My New Addiction

FACEBOOK

I love it!! When I first signed on, I thought oh yeah, great a new way to compete to see how many "friends" we all have!! I wasn't convinced that this was going to be for me, and my friend encouraged me to sign up, as she said it cant hurt, maybe Mr Right knows a friend of a friend... (nice motivation hey?? see previous post!! ha ha)

So I joined, had a very small group of friends for quite a while. The funny thing was, that all these people I spoke to on a regular basis anyway so I was thinking, this is pointless!!
But then, my old work found me, had a whole group of ex-workers, even had reunions planned. Talk about strolling down memory lane, as this is where I met ML's father...

Then a dear friend from University found me. We met in 1993, and I last saw her in 2000. We when last saw each other, it was in a grocery store, short and sweet, promising we would catch up soon...Then I moved across the country and she got married, changed her name, and lost touch. I had looked for her but couldn't find her. I didn't know her married name. Well since we have found each other, we have been chatting non stop, and it was like we never lost touch. She now is divorced with a child, and we completely relate to one another, and laugh at all the stuff we got into 'back in the day'.

So many old friends have found me and vice versa, and whenever I start to feel lonely, this little phenomenon of our technological age helps. I know how it may seem to some, that you would need the computer to know you have friends. I was one of the skeptics! I can be very lonely being a single parent. When you put the kid to bed and the house is quiet, you can log into facebook, makes you realize you aren't alone, that there are friends out there. So if you have been skeptical about this facebook phenomenon, I recommend you try it, look up your old friends, it has been nothing but awesome for me, if not a little addictive!!

Pity Party, table for one...

I have been really struggling with the "Single Life" as of late. And it all stems from that proposal I received, way back in March. You see, that gentleman again, has professed his love, and I have again, turned him down. I have always believed that I would never "settle". You know, get married or be in a relationship with someone just to avoid being alone. I never wanted to accept a man/husband/boyfriend just because he was the best I could do. I wanted to love and be loved. Gawd that sounds so cliché. Now the gentleman I refer to is a very kind man, but he is not for me. I do not love him. But I cannot stop thinking, I get why people settle. They are afraid that it is as good as it gets. I am now so afraid.

It doesn't help that I have been looking at online dating profiles again. I hate actually admitting that. The last two men I have dated I have found from online dating sites, and they were both good guys, not for me, but good guys. But honestly, it is hard to read what men are "looking" for, and if you are in the pity party state of mind, DON'T DO IT!! It just messes with your head!!

Dumbfounded

I was having a reasonably amicable chat with ML's father, trying to plan ML's 4th birthday party. Her Birthday falls on HIS weekend, but he has acquiesced and allowed the party to be where we live and he will bring her to his place that evening. So I thought all was going well in the lives of 2 separated parents that up until a few months ago, couldn't stand the sight of one another. Then he informed me that he wont be attending the birthday party festivities, as he can't stand to be around my family. So I am torn on how to feel about this. Happy that it won't be an uncomfortable and awkward occasion for most involved, but sad a little for ML that her dad has chosen not to attend. Maybe she doesn't care at this point... and maybe this is a sign of things to come. I know if it was the other way around, there is no way you could keep me away from her party, but not everyone is like me, right?


So while discussing this, he throws into the conversation about how stressful it is to be having this second baby (it's a girl). Just for the record, my baby lust it no secret. I think everyone, including THE EX knows about my longing more more kids, so this gets my back up a bit. I ask why, and he goes on about how there are kids who are sick and dying everyday and that is stressful. So I ask, are you feeling guilty to be having a healthy child? Then he says that I just don't understand, as the girlfriend is a nurse and she sees kids die everyday.

He acts like he is the first person to ever think like this. The first prospective parent to ever be worried and stressed about the health of their child. I had to add, well where you were when ML was sick last summer? Granted, ML's medical issues are now pretty easy to deal with, she gets medicine twice a day for her epilepsy, and she has been seizure free for almost nine months (and of course I'm knocking on wood as I type this). However, he was never there for all the trips to the doctor, the ambulance rides and the hospital tests and visits when we were trying to find out what was wrong. When you are at the neurological department at the children's hospital and the doctor tells you she is looking for a brain tumor while she is examining your kid, it causes a bit of stress, and before that, a lot of sleepless nights.


OH, how I wanted to come through the phone and punch him!! How dare he complain about having another healthy girl.

To add insult to injury, he later phoned to try to talk to ML (she wont talk to her father on the phone) and then again starts to complain about how they have no money and it is so hard to raise a kid on one salary.... Honestly, I couldn't make this shit up! I again reminded him that I in fact do KNOW what that is like since I have only had child support for 4 months of ML's almost 4 years of life...

AARRGGGHHH!!!

One of those days...

You know the kind where you sleep in and nothing seems to go right, and then your daughter, just because she can, refuses to wear any clothes besides her pajamas, and since you are so late already, refuses to do anything that you ask of her, you have to carry her to the car kicking and screaming, all the while she is crying about having to go to the daycare in her pajamas.... oh yeah it is pouring rain so there are tears about that as well....

Yeah it has been one of THOSE days!!

Vacation

Did you miss me? Anyone even realize I was gone? sniff sniff!! Ok I promise no pity party today.

No I didn't drop off the face of the earth, ML and I took a great relaxing vacation to the West Coast. It was so needed. We needed some mom and daughter time away from all the distractions that have been around lately.

So we went to Victoria for a few days, then rented a car and drove up to Parksville. It was the perfect location for a family vacation. It was lonely though. This is the first vacation I have taken with ML that is over 4 days, and it got to be a bit lonely, so I think next time I will invite another adult or 2 along. It was after she went to bed in the evening, that I was really craving the adult time. And I didn't bring a laptop so no computer either, so it was just me, with a bevy and the TV or a book.

I took some really cute pictures, and I might even share!!

I have a few more posts brewing in my head, and I will post those when I clear my desk of all the work that was left for me when I was away.

Progress at the Soccer Field

I haven't mentioned that I am the soccer coach for ML's under 4 soccer team. It is truly hilarious, and a lot like herding cats. It has been so much fun, I hope to be able to do this for a few more years. I guess we will see how much ML likes soccer, and even more, how much she likes having me as her coach!!

This past weekend was the soccer mini fest and run-a-rama. Pure fun!! There was a too early soccer game ( 8:30am!!) then a skills competition (yes that right for 3 & 4 year olds) then a run around the soccer fields to raise money, all topped off with a hot dog and chips! Fun truly was had by all.

The progress comes from the fact that ML's father was in attendance. This weekend was his, and since she had this soccer extravaganza, I invited him to watch. Was he late? Yes. Did he miss the whole soccer game? Yes. Did we actually get along? Yes. This was hard. Especially when he missed her game, after he promised her he would be there to watch. I did it for ML. I did tell him not to make promises that he couldnt keep, and I hope he does take that to heart. Only time will tell.

So see, progress has been made. I spent 2 hours with ML and her father. We didnt fight.

Someone commented on what a lovely family we were.... that was hard. I just smiled and said "thanks".

Was It Abuse?

This post is really hard to write.

ML and I were at a friend's house on the weekend for a birthday party, and I think I witnessed something awful.

What happened? I think I witnessed a mom, my friend, lose it and actually abuse her son, E. And now I don't know what to do. Her son is a handful. That is an understatement. I could go on and on about why I think that is, from him never being consistently disciplined and his parents never having any time for him. However, that really is irrelevant right now.

E was misbehaving. E wasn't listening to his mom. E was hitting ML. My friend, took her son into the bathroom, and spanked him. And wow, could you hear the anger in her voice. She hit him, over and over again, hard. I counted at least 10 hits. I was standing outside of the bathroom, with my daughter, stunned. ML asked me why E was being bad. I had no idea what to say to that. I said "I don't know sweetheart", then directed her over to the toys and we started to clean up.

When we got home, I tried to talk to ML, tell her that it is NEVER OK to hit. I felt like such a hypocrite, as I didn't say anything to my friend. And ML said "but E got a spanking..."

When my friend came out of the bathroom, she said "I just don't know what to do with him, as nothing works, only spanking". I had no idea what I should say. I wanted to say "well spanking doesn't seem to be working either". I wanted to say, "spend some time with your son, stop leaving him every weekend with a babysitter". But I didn't.

I don't know what to do. Do I report this? Am I over reacting? Is it a mom just having a bad day? If I do anything, I am quite sure she would know it was me.

I want to do the right thing, I am just not sure what that is. I have confided in 2 people about what happened on the weekend. One said "you have enough on your plate, you don't need to get involved with this" and the other, was just as torn as me.

What if it was my child that was being hit, I would want someone to get involved. But I am so scared, what if E gets taken away? Is that in his best interest? How can I get my friend some help without that happening?

The only thing I do know, is that ML and I wont be spending anymore time with my friend and her son.

Mother's Day 2007

Mother's day was a hard one for me this year.

ML was with her father on mother's day.

It was a nice weekend in theory, drinks with some other moms Saturday night, got to sleep in Sunday morning, off to brunch with my family, then shopping with my mom and sisters. All things that I like to do. It just felt empty without my daughter there. I know it is just a day, and I thought that it would truly be no big deal, as I have ML on Father's day, and I said we will just "switch days"... pretend mothers day is fathers day and vice versa... yeah not that easy.

However, ML did make me a card and a "sunshine". I will post pics soon.

WORLD AIDS ORPHANS DAY

As stated in my adoption blog, I don't have anything profound to say about World AIDS Orphans Day, but want to recognize it.

There is a great blog post on Adoption Blogs by Sandra, that I think highlights the important stuff, so please go read what she wrote.

Her First Shiner

I love the zoo. I love having a daughter that I can take to the zoo!! When you have a 3 year old to share your excitement with, it seems more acceptable to be a fool about the bears wrestling, the lions being really interested in the new baby giraffe, and finding the snow leopard.

Since this weekend was mine with ML, we went to the zoo.

It was an amazing day, except it appears my daughter has inherited my knack for complete clumsiness. It was a day of scrapes and bruises, the drying of tears, the applying of band-aids and anti-bacterial cream. She tripped over rocks that were at least 1/2 the size of her, she ran into other kids, tripped up the stairs going to see the gorillas, it was constant!

And when she woke up this morning, she was sporting a black eye....

OK this time it really is EVERYONE!!

I have 2 sisters. Sister 1 announced her pregnancy on the Easter Weekend. Sister 2 announced her pregnancy today. They are twins so I guess it was written in the stars to happen this way.

But I told you, now EVERYONE is pregnant. (Ok I know not really...)

I was reading a post on one of the adoption forums , about how hard it can be to attend a baby shower, or to be happy when someone you are close to announces a pregnancy. I couldn't agree more. I am over the moon excited that I (finally) get to be an Auntie, and it is times 2!! However, the happiness I feel about their news, the excitement of anticipating the arrival of these little souls doesnt take the sting away. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

I know I am a lucky soul to have ML, but this babylust for a #2 is intense.

MEDIATION aka HELL

Last night ML's father and I had mediation. It was awful. The mediator was supposed to be neutral, I beg to differ. He was a master on laying on the guilt and blame. He continually stated my daughter will hate me when she grows up, if I don't give in and let her father have the access he is asking for.

The Mediator asked me why I was so angry!! Oh I don't know, being taken to court and have mediation forced on you does that to a girl.

I have had some concerns about the time that my daughter spends with her father, and I am told that what my daughter says cannot be trusted, as 3 year olds lie. He then goes on to state that because of my anger (see above) she is behaving (i.e. lying), this way.

I was told it doesn't matter how many times her father comes and goes from her life, whenever he wants in, he is allowed. Any access he askes for, will be granted. This is what is in the best interest of the child. For me to think otherwise means that I am just selfish. It is my job to always let him back.

ML's father and I have 3 weeks to come to an agreement, basically, I have 3 weeks to agree to what he is asking for. The mediator does not want to see us again unless we have started to come up with an agreement.

The worst part of all this, is my family just says, "why are you so upset? You knew this was going to happen! Get over it, thousands of others have been in your shoes before, they don't think it is the end of the world."

Well right now it feels like the end of the world.

Copy Cat

I am a total and complete copy cat!!

I have done what so many others have done before me and started a second blog, that ONLY deals with my journey to adoption.

Also it gives me an excuse to put a picture of my old cat BUD.

Want Bono's New Book??

Owlhaven is giving away Bono's new Book On The Move, and to get in on the action all you have to do is leave a comment on her blog. So go ahead.... what are you waiting for?

* picture from Chapters.Indigo.ca

Communicating 101

Warning, this is a bit of a rant!!

Last night I attended part 1 of 4 of my "parenting" classes that ML's father put as a condition for our new parenting agreement. It would be an understatement to say this this has made me angry.

As the title states, this class is devoted to communication, with the child and the other parent. It is all great information, that I have heard many times, with all the proper phrasing of questions, getting to collaboration, blah blah f&^$ing blah. Yeah and the whole time all I can think of is "Oh I hate him!!" So yeah, not in much of a collaborative mood!!

They go over the affects on the child when there is conflict between parents, what some of the physiological and psychological signs and effect conflict has on a child. "Kids do better when both parents are involved."

Talk about putting on the guilt!!

I hate the assumption that 2 parents are better than one. I think I have done a damn good job in raising my daughter. I hate that after 3 years, because her father has now decided that being a dad sounds like a good idea, I have to bend to his whim. I made a life for ML and me. Now that life feels like part time. Being a full time, working mother, the time we get to "do things", is on the weekend. Now, every second weekend I send her to another city to see her father. He has a live-in girlfriend, so of course (sarcasm intended), their household is looked upon very favourably. The courts see their set up as more "ideal" than mine. Never mind that he didn't want the dad gig when ML was born, and that he didn't become a part of her life until she was almost 3. None of that matters, he does now, I can just move aside, and let the real parenting begin, you know the kind with two parents.

The worst part of the class last night, was when the instructor said, and I quote "you know, 13 year old girls need a father to develop their sense of self esteem". Yeah... because us mom's out there wouldn't have any ideas on teaching our girl's how to value themselves, and that a women's self esteem should not be dependant on a man, regardless of who that man is!! Yeah a mom would have no idea what a 13 year old girl is going through. It has been 20 some years since I was thirteen, but I know I remember!!

I am absolutely not saying that kids do not need their fathers. I have an amazing Dad. I know lots of amazing dads. I also know many men who will become amazing dads. I even hope to one day have a partner to share this parenting gig with.

But you know the whole single adoptive parent by choice (SAMBCs- hat tip Hazel) is looking better and better all the time. I do not think I could handle another EX!!

What would you do?

Would you EVER disrupt an adoption?

I think anyone who is considering or pursuing an adoption, international or domestic, should ask themselves this BIG question. What would you do if the child you are presented with on "gotcha day" is not what you were expecting, i.e. is sicker than you thought or has more or a special need(s) than you were prepared to deal with.

I have recently found Soul Autopsy, a women who is now wrestling with the decisions that she was forced to make. I like to think that I have my answer, but you just don't know until you are faced with such a decision. I don't think anyone should judge her, as I agree with the whole "walk a mile in their shoes" thing.

What are you willing to take on? What do you think you can handle?

A year ago, if anyone asked if I would consider adopting a child with special needs, I would have said no, that is not something that I am prepared to deal with. Ask me now, I have a much different answer. Why? What changed my mind? My Daughter. In October 2006 she was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I was devastated. Epilepsy seemed like the end of the world for my little girl. Now that we deal with it every day, it is just a part of life. Dealing with ML's epilepsy shows me that I could handle more than I thought.

When considering adopting any child, it is important to figure out what you can or are willing to take on, and knowing your limits is obviously extremely important. I just think that the special needs door should be left open, even a little, because you just never know what life will throw at you, and you never know just what you can handle.

Thoughts

I have done a lot of thinking since the shootings at Virginia Tech.

First I must say I feel absolutely horrible for every person that lost a loved one, the pain and grief they are experiencing must be unbearable. Secondly, I hate guns. I hate that guns are so easily accessible in this world. I will always assert that more guns are never the answer.

And thirdly, and this is where I might become very unpopular, all I can think about it the thousands of people that die in this world from preventable and treatable diseases every day, and they never receive the coverage that this tragedy has been receiving. While watching some of the in depth reports last night, this was all I could think about.

With all this going around in my head, I came up with an analogy.

Imagine everyone that you have known that has had a Cancer diagnosis, dies. Imagine as well that the reason for this cancer is from western world greed and environmental pollution, hence it is our fault that so many are dying from this cancer. Now imagine that in (insert any country/region's name here), they have a treatment for this cancer, that although it doesn't cure cancer, it treats it. This treatment means that a cancer diagnosis is no longer a death sentence . However, those that have found/created the treatment, do not care to share. It is, after all, our fault that cancer is killing so many. It is because of our lifestyle and life choices (i.e. greed and polluting) that so many are dying. Why should people half way around the world care about us here, they need to look after themselves, their problems and their country/region.

In my life there has been 6 people who have had a cancer diagnosis. 5 are still alive. This is why this analogy really hits home for me. I would be screaming at the injustice of the world, as would the rest of North America, if this was happening. But it is this continent that is preventing the millions affected and dying of AIDS and other preventable and treatable diseases from obtaining the necessary treatments and/or vaccinations every year.

Ok, that felt good to get out.

Now go read There Is No Me Without You by Meilssa Faye Green and Race Against Time by Stephen Lewis.

Movie review - "Meet the Robinson's"

I wanted to give my 2 cents in regards to this movie that has so much talk going around the adoption circles, on message boards and other Blogs.

I took my daughter to this movie this past weekend, as I wanted to start a dialogue with her about adoption. I am feeling a lot more confident that adoption is the path I want to take. Well so much for my grand intentions... she slept through the ENTIRE movie. So I guess we will go again when it comes to the cheap theatre.

The best review that I have read, that I think sums up what I felt from the movie as well was written by Erin at transracial/transcultural adoption blogs. I think that is it a cute movie, that has a great theme, keep moving forward, don't hold onto the past. We could all use a little reminding of that. As well, I think that they did a great job of showing that the first mom loved her son.

Of course it is a Disney movie, so it had to have a bad guy, characters were two dimensional etc. I think it has to be remembered that this is a kid's movie, and a cartoon, and it mostly is for entertainment, and not out to change the world.

*photo from Yahoo! Movies

Signs, Signs, Everywhere are Signs...

In spite of all the babies that are being conceived around me, all I can seem to do lately is think about adoption. Can I really do it? What about attachment? What about ML? Is it fair to her, will I ruin all the special times we have together? Should I really wait until I have a partner? What if that never happens? (Feeling at the moment that it might never, yes pity party at my house). Can I really afford it? Can I handle the remarks that I know will come via my family?

I want ML to have a sibling(s). I do not know what I would do without my sisters, especially when my parents are driving me crazy. They are the only ones who truly understand. I want her to have that. I know as mentioned previously that she is being supplied with one via her father, but that is not the same. He has never been a constant in her life, and with the new baby coming, I am not sure that the visits will continue with any regularity.

So... Should I start the adoption process? Well in the last week there have been a few signs thrown in my face.

As I have mentioned before I read copious amounts of blogs. Most adoption related. And when I read about other families and their adoptions, it just seems so right, and they inspire me. Then I try to be realistic, and it all feels like it cannot happen. But in the last week I have "met" some awesome people through adoption blogs and message boards. It is so great to find others that feel the same as me. It gives me hope that I can do this, and that I am not crazy. It is these stories that I feel are the first sign that I can do this.

The second concerns a lottery ticket. I am not a lucky person. I was walking to the grocery store when I remembered that I had one, and that I should check it, and thought, if it has won anything, it is a sign that I should do this adoption thing. (It should be noted that in 1 year of buying, I have not won even a free ticket.) Well I won $2. Yeah, huge dent in financing the adoption!!

The third happens at a home party. For the first time I meet a family that has adopted from Haiti. I see this little girl, and all I can do is smile.

So of course I could be reading to much into everything, trying to convince myself to do it, looking for reasons to tell myself that I am not crazy. But maybe, someone is trying to tell me "go for it!"

And now EVERYONE seems to be....

This Easter weekend has been a hard one for me. My sister announced that she is expecting, and all I could do is cry. I am so excited for her, but it just is a reminder that I am not having a baby this year. I know she thinks that I am not happy for her, and I am sorry that she has that idea, that is the furthest from the truth. I feel so selfish for feeling this way, but it has hit me hard.

Another one of my friends also announced that she is expecting at the same time as my sister, oh babies babies everywhere!

I hate feeling this way.

Of course she is pregnant.

Who is pregnant you may ask? Well the girlfriend of my daughter's father of course!!

I think someone is trying to test me and how much I can handle. This is the girl he cheated on me with, and every time we fight, throws in my face, that they will have all the kids they want while I will just wither and die as I am so old....

And no I do not want him back nor do I want to have another child with him. It is just the principle of the matter. I am all about fairness, and I KNOW that the world is not a fair place, I know that it is minor in the grand scheme of things... but it still stings. Is this Irony or just a really fun coincidence, that my daughter joyfully explains "guess what mommy!! (girlfriend) has a real baby in her tummy, and I am going to have a brother or a sister" after her visit this past weekend, on the day I become single AGAIN!! Karma thinks she is very funny apparently. Either that or she is setting me up for some really fantastic stuff.... I am a pisces and a dreamer so I work with that.

Yeah the break- up, it certainly was the oddest one of my life. We broke up over breakfast that he cooked, and then went to his church together. I cannot say that has ever happened before!!

Ok Karma and Fates... I am ready for what you are going to throw at me next.

Who is a bad blogger?? ME?? huh?

Wow, I pull together 3 posts then I dissappear for 3 months.

Somethings have happened in my life, that I should update on here.

I met someone, lets call him P~. Things, I thought, were going along great, then he pops the question, in a not very romantic way, and I said no, I need more time. It has been a relationship of 3 months. And after mulling that around figure that it is not just that it has been a short time, that we are not meant to be... planning on ending it this weekend. I should have a good post about that. I am very sad about ending it, as he is a fabulous guy, and he is just what I want/need on "paper" but he is not the one. I like him, I care about him, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the one. I will miss him, but it is not fair to keep him around because I am lonely.

What else... oh yeah ML's dad has taken me to court to re-work our parenting agreement, and it is not going well. Lots of tears on all parts. ML is going to his house very other weeknd, and she does not like it. I am hoping that we all get used to this arrangement soon, and life can continue. The good thing I guess is that I am finally receiving some child support... looking for the silver lining here.

I still have adoption in my heart. It feels like it could be a reality now, not just a pipe dream. I need to get my finances in order and start. I know this is a hard road, I know that family may not be supportive oh my decision as I am a single mom with limited fiances. But I know that I do well enough to have another child or 2 (or more....) in my house.

I also really would like to have another bio kid. I have discussed this previously, and that has not gone away... just need to find mr right.