A Record For ML

This blog of mine is turning into a journal of sorts to give ML. I didn't start this for her, but now it feels like this will be for her. For her when she is 12 and thinks that her Mother is crazy and knows nothing, when she is tempted to live with her father. Also for when she is older so she will know her story.

ML's father has not seen her since the end of May, he cancelled his last weekend visit to go out of town, where I have no idea. As I posted, didn't show up on Father's day. There is never even a phone call between visits.

This is his weekend, the first time he has seen his daughter in almost a month. He was 15 minutes late to pick her up. When ML realized that he was here, finally, she ran and grabbed her Father's day gift, excitedly put on her shoes, forgot her overnight bag and ran out of the house and down the driveway. She was so excited to finally give him his gift... you could feel her excitement, and the smile on her face couldn't have been bigger.

She gave him her masterpiece, "look what I made you!" she yells. "Whats this? oh" is his reply and then he puts it in the van. He didn't say thank you. He didn't say how wonderful it is. He didn't even say HI to his daughter. He just put her in the van, all the while she is trying to get his attention " right papa? papa did you hear me"

I asked him to please tell me when he is taking her this summer, as he has her for 2 weeks. He doesn't answer. I asked again, really nicely. "Please The Ex, I need to make arrangements for this summer...." No response. I asked him to just email me the dates. No response, just gets in the van, shuts the doors and drives off.

It is June 20th and he refuses to tell me when he is taking her for his share of the summer vacation. I have asked him since March, as that was when the first summer camps and activities started accepting registrations. ML told me that they are planning a trip to Quebec, and he wont tell me when they are going.

I hope that she sees him for who he is one day. I hope that by that time he hasn't hurt her too much.

Everyone says he can't do this, he can't be this unreasonable... He is. And there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it.

I am just so scared that he will take her to Quebec and not bring her back.

I'm not the only one...

It seems I am not alone in my thoughts and opinions on the Horton Hears A Who Movie...

Free Concert and Beer

I never win anything. really, you can ask my mom!

However that has changed recently. I won tickets to see this Band in Calgary, and it included 4 buckets of beer!!

I had made arrangements for us to stay over, even had a sitter in the city for ML. I had asked for Friday morning off so we could take our time coming back home in time for preschool, where it is my turn to be the "special guest".

Am I going? Nope. ML woke up early this morning with the flu... the puke filled kind. This is when being a single parent is hard. If I had a partner, they would be staying home with the sick kid while I went out (feeling guilty the whole time, really!) and enjoyed some live tunes and to drink my share of the beer... but instead, I am staying home. This kind of sick is not the kind I can feel good about leaving with the grandparents.

The worst part of this, is I know where this "bug" came from... I had friends over, and one brought her sick daughter, who was kind enough to puke in my bathroom before they went home.

Hello Karma? Meet payback!

Working vs Family Balance

There is a lot of talk in the media and in parenting magazines about the balance that one needs, between their working life and their family life. It is a hard one to find, especially as a single mom.

I do the best I can, and when I have ML I spend 90% of my non- working time with her. Every second weekend she goes to her father's and I try to have that time as my time to go out and do as I please.

This long weekend meant ML and I spent 3 days together, seeing friends and family, and ML accompanied me the entire time. We went to get her hair cut, bought her tights to wear with her Easter dress (she is a shopper, when things are for her!!) went for a walk at a local park to see the geese that have recently arrived, made popcorn to watch hockey on TV (at her request). Then Easter morning so much excitement finding eggs and having the family over for Brunch.

Yesterday afternoon was spent with wonderful friends just hanging out in the back yard (in March!!) watching the kids play and run. I thought it was an awesome weekend of good mom and ML time...

However at bedtime last night ML says that she doesn't think I love her!! Then this morning she cried and cried en route to the day home saying that she didn't want to go to the day home (that she loves, and is loved at) but instead wanted to come to work with me. I asked why and she says " I never get to spend time with you!" (see above weekend description)

Now I know that ML knows that I love her. I tell her all the time. I will make an effort, obviously, to tell her more, as she seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment.

Is this ML still getting used to her weekends at her Fathers, and she wants more mom time, more like we used to have. Is it a phase? Is it because we have be talking about adding another kid to the family and ML feeling insecure of her place?

I am torn as to what to do. Do I need to work less hours in the day? Can I afford to? Will work allow it? What about working from home? Is this just a phase that will pass with time? Any suggestions?

Being a Single Mom and getting the balance right is not easy.

What the Tolerance Post was about

(warning this is a long post)
When I wrote the post about teaching my daughter tolerance, I didn't specifically say what it was I was referring to.

Here is a bit of background info.

I was raised a Roman Catholic, went to Catholic school had my first communion, reconciliation and confirmation done through the school system and had mandatory religion classes.

When my daughter was born, I wanted to have her baptized Catholic, so she could also go to Catholic school and have the sacrements, and it was really important to my mom. When my mom was growing up, their family was the only Catholic family in a protestant town, and they were harassed and teased about this, especially since her family had 12 kids, she didn't want my sisters and me to ever go through that.

To have my daughter baptized, the church requires that both parents sign the consent form. My Ex and I split when my daughter was 6 weeks old, and I left the province we were living in. Before I left, he signed the papers. She was baptized when she was 5 months old, it was a big family celebration. She is registered to start kindergarten in a Catholic school in the fall. The dayhome that my daughter attends is run by a wonderful family from El Salvador, they are Catholic as well, and there are discussions about God during the day.

Now why is this important?

As this post states, my daughter came home and told me that her father told her "God is dead. Smart people know this, not smart people think God is alive and real". Now these are my four year old's words, I don't know exactly what was said. I have asked him many times to tell me what he said, but he refuses to speak to me. Since my daughter's birth, The Ex has decided that he is an atheist, and is not happy that ML attends church.

This teaching a child to hate, based on religion. My ex is telling my daughter anyone that is not an atheist is "not smart". As you can imagine, this distresses me a great deal. Not only becasue this hurt her, she might start to look at people who think or pray differently than her and think that they are "not smart". It is not acceptable for any parent to teach a child that someone else's beliefs or ideas make them " not smart".

What runs through my mind is all the genocides, the horrible hate crimes, what things were said in the homes of those who perpetrated these crimes. Hate begets hate. Whether it is about religion or the color of one's skin, differences should be celebrated not looked down upon. That is what I am trying to teach my daughter, and it is so hard when it feels like you have to "compete" with another parent that is teaching the opposite.

Mutiny at Chez Single Mom

I want to write about the tolerance post, and will get to it, however, there seems to be a mutiny occurring at my house!!

It concerns a 4 year old, lets call her ML, and she is refusing to get dressed in the morning. In fact it is getting to be so bad that I have been late for work twice this week... and yes it is Tuesday!!

Now I have heard most of the "tricks" with kids and their choice of clothes. We have tried picking the outfit out the night before, letting ML pick from a pile of approved (read appropriate for the weather) clothes, talking about what we will be wearing all before hand etc. etc. Well lately NOTHING is working!

Now I know this is common for the age, I have friends with kids who refuse to wear anything but jeans, or certian super heroes t-shirts, but ML is not so specific. In fact what is acceptable to her seems to change on a daily basis. Yesterday there was a meltdown because there was no LONG SLEEVED shirt that she could wear ( it was +16 here yesterday) and she said she would be too hot with a sweater on. So last night, I put a load of laundry in, that included a few LONG SLEEVED shirts, and this morning... meltdown as there was no T-SHIRT she could wear!!!

Does anyone else know of any other 'tricks' that either they heard worked or has worked for them????

Teaching Tolerance

Oh the things you need to talk to four year old's about...


It started at Christmas when ML noticed that not everyone went as crazy as we do with the decorations and lights. She asks "Why" about everything! We discussed that not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone likes putting lights on their houses, and unfortunately some people can't afford it etc. etc. But that it was OK that people didn't. That There are lots of things people do that we don't participate in, and that makes learning about other people and ideas fun.


These Questions were mostly forgotten once the Christmas season was over, but teaching tolerance to my daughter became very important recently.


Unfortunately, I have had a child with someone who no longer believes in tolerance, (and he is mad at me, another post) and has told my daughter that smart people know "something" and not smart people don't. (I will discuss what this "something" in a later post, it is not about race, it is about religious beliefs, and I think it deserves its own post). So I had to go back to our discussion about Christmas with ML.

I know how to teach adults tolerance. However, I am having a really hard time with this conversation with a 4 year old. I know I can say the same things over and over until she is old enough to understand, but I am afraid that she will go to school in September and say what she has heard and this will either either hurt another child, or me receiving a phone call from the school. I find the words and examples I want to use are hard for her to understand


I have purchased a few books to read to ML, (and if anyone knows of more good ones, please let me know...) One of them so that she knows that it is OK that she has epilepsy, that it is OK to be different, the others I purchased in anticipating that another person would be joining our family, and most likely will not look like either me or ML.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.


All the Colors of the Earth by Sheila Hamanaka

We're Different, We're the Same by Bobbi Kates

Why am I Different by Norma Simon

"Prize" Boyfriend

I just came across this article, and just had to comment.

"Zoo Weekly has urged men to submit photographs of their girl's cleavage so that readers can vote online for which woman most deserves 10,000 dollars (8,450 US) worth of plastic surgery to improve her chest."

Can you imagine if you found out your boyfriend submitted a picture??

"It's impossible to think of a more romantic gift than new breasts," magazine editor Paul Merrill said in a statement. "It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Seriously, if my boyfriend entered me in that contest, we would be done so fast!! It is one thing as a women to choose to have your boobs done, but another thing entirely to have your boyfriend try to win you one because yours aren't perfect.

Or is it? I am sure there are some women out there that wouldn't be as offended as me, in fact maybe they would be grateful that their boyfriend would be so thoughtful...

All I can say is WOW. Sometimes I think there is a very good reason why I have been single for so long.

Was It Abuse?

This post is really hard to write.

ML and I were at a friend's house on the weekend for a birthday party, and I think I witnessed something awful.

What happened? I think I witnessed a mom, my friend, lose it and actually abuse her son, E. And now I don't know what to do. Her son is a handful. That is an understatement. I could go on and on about why I think that is, from him never being consistently disciplined and his parents never having any time for him. However, that really is irrelevant right now.

E was misbehaving. E wasn't listening to his mom. E was hitting ML. My friend, took her son into the bathroom, and spanked him. And wow, could you hear the anger in her voice. She hit him, over and over again, hard. I counted at least 10 hits. I was standing outside of the bathroom, with my daughter, stunned. ML asked me why E was being bad. I had no idea what to say to that. I said "I don't know sweetheart", then directed her over to the toys and we started to clean up.

When we got home, I tried to talk to ML, tell her that it is NEVER OK to hit. I felt like such a hypocrite, as I didn't say anything to my friend. And ML said "but E got a spanking..."

When my friend came out of the bathroom, she said "I just don't know what to do with him, as nothing works, only spanking". I had no idea what I should say. I wanted to say "well spanking doesn't seem to be working either". I wanted to say, "spend some time with your son, stop leaving him every weekend with a babysitter". But I didn't.

I don't know what to do. Do I report this? Am I over reacting? Is it a mom just having a bad day? If I do anything, I am quite sure she would know it was me.

I want to do the right thing, I am just not sure what that is. I have confided in 2 people about what happened on the weekend. One said "you have enough on your plate, you don't need to get involved with this" and the other, was just as torn as me.

What if it was my child that was being hit, I would want someone to get involved. But I am so scared, what if E gets taken away? Is that in his best interest? How can I get my friend some help without that happening?

The only thing I do know, is that ML and I wont be spending anymore time with my friend and her son.

What would you do?

Would you EVER disrupt an adoption?

I think anyone who is considering or pursuing an adoption, international or domestic, should ask themselves this BIG question. What would you do if the child you are presented with on "gotcha day" is not what you were expecting, i.e. is sicker than you thought or has more or a special need(s) than you were prepared to deal with.

I have recently found Soul Autopsy, a women who is now wrestling with the decisions that she was forced to make. I like to think that I have my answer, but you just don't know until you are faced with such a decision. I don't think anyone should judge her, as I agree with the whole "walk a mile in their shoes" thing.

What are you willing to take on? What do you think you can handle?

A year ago, if anyone asked if I would consider adopting a child with special needs, I would have said no, that is not something that I am prepared to deal with. Ask me now, I have a much different answer. Why? What changed my mind? My Daughter. In October 2006 she was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I was devastated. Epilepsy seemed like the end of the world for my little girl. Now that we deal with it every day, it is just a part of life. Dealing with ML's epilepsy shows me that I could handle more than I thought.

When considering adopting any child, it is important to figure out what you can or are willing to take on, and knowing your limits is obviously extremely important. I just think that the special needs door should be left open, even a little, because you just never know what life will throw at you, and you never know just what you can handle.