Single Mom Therapy

No, not the kind you pay for by the hour.

Since I have gone through my court ordeal, I have had 2 close friends go through the court system with their ex's. One of the most cathartic things to do when you are going through that special kind of hell is have a ‘single mom therapy’ night. It is a way that you and your single mom friends get together and bitch and talk and strategize about life as a single mom.

Now this doesn't exclude to all the single moms by choice that are out there, they should certainly tag along. There will be tales of dating woes, babysitting concerns, when to call your lawyer talks, the ‘smarten up’ and maybe even a reality check. You will get all this and so much more really great single mom friends. They are there to help you from making the same mistakes they made, and to offer your own 'worldly' advice.

We have one of these nights about every couple of months, usually at my house. And oh is it therapeutic!! It also usually is a bit of a wine festival, but that is completely optional (hee!!) Oh and the laughs, can’t forget about that part, there is usually a lot of laughs, a few tears, but always more laughs.It makes you see that you are not alone. Talking to other moms that have the same issues as you makes your troubles seem manageable, even just for the night.

You may even find out that you are stronger than you thought. My friend told me that it was something that I said to her, at one of these evenings, that she is forever grateful for. She knew that she was going to be OK. It is good therapy for all involved. To help out a friend or two and to see just how far you have come.

More Drama at Chez Single Mom...

It must seem that I have nothing but drama in my life. It isn't true, just in the past year I have had more than my share.

What is the drama this time? I was at the local RCMP detachment today filing a harassment complaint on an ex-boyfriend. I wasn't going to write about this, and haven't written about it on either of my blogs before. I know I have done nothing wrong. But I feel as though telling people this, they will think "why would you date a guy like this in the first place?" I almost feel embarrassed about telling people this. I also feel bad, guilty, worried about how this will make him feel. Why is that? I know that these feelings are not rational.

I have checked off the YES box to have Victim services contact me.

I had to visit 3 different places this morning for someone to finally take my statement, and the whole time I am trekking back and forth, I am thinking, this is why this stuff doesn't get reported. They don't make it easy. It took over 90 minutes to finally get to the right place.

This ex boyfriend of mine has been an ex for about a year. Somedays he calls incessantly, send cards and gifts. He tells me he loves me all the time. He would show up at my house with gifts for ML. The last straw was regarding a birthday present. He sent me a cheque for $222.00. He said was a lucky number and that I should either get my hair done or spoil ML. I didn't cash it, it had been sitting on my desk, waiting for me to get around to mailing it back.

Yesterday I picked up the mail, it had another card in it, and I thought, this is enough. It is annoying and I want it to stop. I send a very civil email, telling him I was sending the money back, I wish him the best, that we will never be together, to please move on etc.

It was his responses to my email that prompted me to go to the police. His first was a 3 page diatribe about nothing relevant to my email, making him sound very crazy, It spanned the topics of illegal drug use, Canadian and US politics and racism in Zimbabwe. The second email he sent was in regards to the cheque for $222.00 He said that he will be sending more money and it would entitle him to two visits with ML this month.

That scared me.

So now I wait. I was told in these cases usually all that is required is a call or a visit from the RCMP and this will make them leave you alone. I hope they are right.

Working vs Family Balance

There is a lot of talk in the media and in parenting magazines about the balance that one needs, between their working life and their family life. It is a hard one to find, especially as a single mom.

I do the best I can, and when I have ML I spend 90% of my non- working time with her. Every second weekend she goes to her father's and I try to have that time as my time to go out and do as I please.

This long weekend meant ML and I spent 3 days together, seeing friends and family, and ML accompanied me the entire time. We went to get her hair cut, bought her tights to wear with her Easter dress (she is a shopper, when things are for her!!) went for a walk at a local park to see the geese that have recently arrived, made popcorn to watch hockey on TV (at her request). Then Easter morning so much excitement finding eggs and having the family over for Brunch.

Yesterday afternoon was spent with wonderful friends just hanging out in the back yard (in March!!) watching the kids play and run. I thought it was an awesome weekend of good mom and ML time...

However at bedtime last night ML says that she doesn't think I love her!! Then this morning she cried and cried en route to the day home saying that she didn't want to go to the day home (that she loves, and is loved at) but instead wanted to come to work with me. I asked why and she says " I never get to spend time with you!" (see above weekend description)

Now I know that ML knows that I love her. I tell her all the time. I will make an effort, obviously, to tell her more, as she seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment.

Is this ML still getting used to her weekends at her Fathers, and she wants more mom time, more like we used to have. Is it a phase? Is it because we have be talking about adding another kid to the family and ML feeling insecure of her place?

I am torn as to what to do. Do I need to work less hours in the day? Can I afford to? Will work allow it? What about working from home? Is this just a phase that will pass with time? Any suggestions?

Being a Single Mom and getting the balance right is not easy.

What the Tolerance Post was about

(warning this is a long post)
When I wrote the post about teaching my daughter tolerance, I didn't specifically say what it was I was referring to.

Here is a bit of background info.

I was raised a Roman Catholic, went to Catholic school had my first communion, reconciliation and confirmation done through the school system and had mandatory religion classes.

When my daughter was born, I wanted to have her baptized Catholic, so she could also go to Catholic school and have the sacrements, and it was really important to my mom. When my mom was growing up, their family was the only Catholic family in a protestant town, and they were harassed and teased about this, especially since her family had 12 kids, she didn't want my sisters and me to ever go through that.

To have my daughter baptized, the church requires that both parents sign the consent form. My Ex and I split when my daughter was 6 weeks old, and I left the province we were living in. Before I left, he signed the papers. She was baptized when she was 5 months old, it was a big family celebration. She is registered to start kindergarten in a Catholic school in the fall. The dayhome that my daughter attends is run by a wonderful family from El Salvador, they are Catholic as well, and there are discussions about God during the day.

Now why is this important?

As this post states, my daughter came home and told me that her father told her "God is dead. Smart people know this, not smart people think God is alive and real". Now these are my four year old's words, I don't know exactly what was said. I have asked him many times to tell me what he said, but he refuses to speak to me. Since my daughter's birth, The Ex has decided that he is an atheist, and is not happy that ML attends church.

This teaching a child to hate, based on religion. My ex is telling my daughter anyone that is not an atheist is "not smart". As you can imagine, this distresses me a great deal. Not only becasue this hurt her, she might start to look at people who think or pray differently than her and think that they are "not smart". It is not acceptable for any parent to teach a child that someone else's beliefs or ideas make them " not smart".

What runs through my mind is all the genocides, the horrible hate crimes, what things were said in the homes of those who perpetrated these crimes. Hate begets hate. Whether it is about religion or the color of one's skin, differences should be celebrated not looked down upon. That is what I am trying to teach my daughter, and it is so hard when it feels like you have to "compete" with another parent that is teaching the opposite.

Mutiny at Chez Single Mom

I want to write about the tolerance post, and will get to it, however, there seems to be a mutiny occurring at my house!!

It concerns a 4 year old, lets call her ML, and she is refusing to get dressed in the morning. In fact it is getting to be so bad that I have been late for work twice this week... and yes it is Tuesday!!

Now I have heard most of the "tricks" with kids and their choice of clothes. We have tried picking the outfit out the night before, letting ML pick from a pile of approved (read appropriate for the weather) clothes, talking about what we will be wearing all before hand etc. etc. Well lately NOTHING is working!

Now I know this is common for the age, I have friends with kids who refuse to wear anything but jeans, or certian super heroes t-shirts, but ML is not so specific. In fact what is acceptable to her seems to change on a daily basis. Yesterday there was a meltdown because there was no LONG SLEEVED shirt that she could wear ( it was +16 here yesterday) and she said she would be too hot with a sweater on. So last night, I put a load of laundry in, that included a few LONG SLEEVED shirts, and this morning... meltdown as there was no T-SHIRT she could wear!!!

Does anyone else know of any other 'tricks' that either they heard worked or has worked for them????

Thirty-Five

I don't feel old enough to have this number attached to me. I never have had a problem with getting older, but this year it is hard.

I am one of those people who LOVES their birthday. My family even teases me about this, but this year, turning 35 has brought tears to my eyes more than a few times. I think it is because my life doesn't look like I thought it would. I always assumed that at 35 I would have a house full of kids, a partner in life, and be changing the world with my fabulousness (smile).

I know I am not the first to not have life turning out the way I had planned, and I know only I can change this, but today it still hurts.

So today I am having a pity part, all are welcome, (BYOB!!) and tomorrow I should be back to finding how my fabulousness will be changing the world!

International Women's Day

March 8th is International Women's Day

Violence against women is an issue that cannot wait. At least one out of every three women is likely to be beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime. No country, no culture, no woman young or old is immune to this scourge.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon

Why I Dissappeared From the Blogosphere..

What did happen to me from the time of my last post in 2007 (October) until I reappeared in 2008 (February) ?

The reason was that I was in a wicked (understatement) court battle with ML's father. It concerned parental time, access, guardianship and child support. I not only had nothing positive to say, I was afraid that what I wrote on my blog could come back to haunt me. I do blog anonymously, however, I assume if anyone really wanted to find out who I am in real life (IRL), they certainly could. The last thing I wanted was something that I wrote here to be admissible in court.

I may have been over cautious or paranoid, but up until my last court date, I was just not willing to take the risk.

Now that it is mostly over, I again feel free to write my real feelings, although they are still veiled in anonymity.