Revelations and a "Bullet Dodged"

As you may have noticed from some of my blog posts as of late, I am having a hard time with the single life. It all has been piling up on me, the court proceedings, the every second weekend visitation, and the fact that THE EX is having another child. All of this has been really hard to cope with as of late. But....

I hate to actually admit this, but I am beginning to really enjoy my kid-free weekends. I have been to grown up movies, gone out with friends, sometimes I just do NOTHING!! I have forgotten what it was like to be 'single'. Of course, me being me, writing that makes me feel so guilty!! But truly it has been good for my soul to have some down time. Lots of people told me that I would feel this way, and I didn't believe them, so now I take it back!! OK well some of it.

ML, on the other hand is still having a very tough time with the weekend visits to her father's. She seems to be fine when she comes home, but the going doesn't seem to be getting any easier, in fact this past birthday weekend was the worst in a long time.

Now to the 'Dodged bullet'. THE EX send me an instant message saying that he wont be able to give me the child support for August! Just want to remind everyone that ML turned 4 on the weekend and I have received child support for a total of 5 months of her life. This infuriates me, as I have started to become accustomed to his support. I knew that it would most likely not last, and I should have been prepared.

Lets talk percentage for a moment shall we, 5/48 = 10.416%. That is the amount of time he has financially supported his kid. Five months out of forty-eight he has been able to come up with the cash to help pay for her everyday needs.

Now why can't be pay? Oh because he quit his job!! He has a 4 year old and a baby due in October, and he is unemployed. He has caused me stress, and you better believe that there is stress in his house at the moment. He did the same to me when I was pregnant with ML, out of work for way to long and then quitting jobs before another was lined up.

This man who I have known for almost 7 years, will never change. you know the saying, a leopard can't change its spots... I realize that I am lucky to be away from that relationship, and sometimes just need little reminders.

It makes me sad that he hasn't been able to grow up. And, if you can actually believe I am typing this, I feel for his girlfriend. I know what she is going through. I am mad at previous self for putting up with that garbage for so long in the past, but like I said, it is a bullet I feel I have dodged and left behind. As lonely as the single life gets, I would take it over the stress and anguish of dealing with THE EX about these things that will never change.

Approaching the Anniversary

On Saturday, ML's Birthday, it will be 1 year since she has had her first seizure.

I never expected this 'anniversary' to really bother me. We have a diagnosis and the medication is working wonderfully, and I am no longer afraid of EPILEPSY, but this reminder is hard. Driving up to her day home after work yesterday, brought it all back. It was on her third birthday last year, that I saw the ambulance parked outside the day home, and all those horrible memories of seeing her lying on the ground with IVs and a oxygen mask, keep coming back. Last summer was a very difficult time, as I didn't know what was wrong with her, she didn't get the official, final diagnosis until late October.

I wish that this 'anniversary' was not on her birthday, as I don't have happy recollections of her 3rd birthday. It wasn't the the "Dora" party that I had envisioned and planned. Instead it was an ambulance ride and a stay in the hospital.

I just want this Saturday to be a truly Happy Birthday for my little girl.

My New Addiction

FACEBOOK

I love it!! When I first signed on, I thought oh yeah, great a new way to compete to see how many "friends" we all have!! I wasn't convinced that this was going to be for me, and my friend encouraged me to sign up, as she said it cant hurt, maybe Mr Right knows a friend of a friend... (nice motivation hey?? see previous post!! ha ha)

So I joined, had a very small group of friends for quite a while. The funny thing was, that all these people I spoke to on a regular basis anyway so I was thinking, this is pointless!!
But then, my old work found me, had a whole group of ex-workers, even had reunions planned. Talk about strolling down memory lane, as this is where I met ML's father...

Then a dear friend from University found me. We met in 1993, and I last saw her in 2000. We when last saw each other, it was in a grocery store, short and sweet, promising we would catch up soon...Then I moved across the country and she got married, changed her name, and lost touch. I had looked for her but couldn't find her. I didn't know her married name. Well since we have found each other, we have been chatting non stop, and it was like we never lost touch. She now is divorced with a child, and we completely relate to one another, and laugh at all the stuff we got into 'back in the day'.

So many old friends have found me and vice versa, and whenever I start to feel lonely, this little phenomenon of our technological age helps. I know how it may seem to some, that you would need the computer to know you have friends. I was one of the skeptics! I can be very lonely being a single parent. When you put the kid to bed and the house is quiet, you can log into facebook, makes you realize you aren't alone, that there are friends out there. So if you have been skeptical about this facebook phenomenon, I recommend you try it, look up your old friends, it has been nothing but awesome for me, if not a little addictive!!

Pity Party, table for one...

I have been really struggling with the "Single Life" as of late. And it all stems from that proposal I received, way back in March. You see, that gentleman again, has professed his love, and I have again, turned him down. I have always believed that I would never "settle". You know, get married or be in a relationship with someone just to avoid being alone. I never wanted to accept a man/husband/boyfriend just because he was the best I could do. I wanted to love and be loved. Gawd that sounds so cliché. Now the gentleman I refer to is a very kind man, but he is not for me. I do not love him. But I cannot stop thinking, I get why people settle. They are afraid that it is as good as it gets. I am now so afraid.

It doesn't help that I have been looking at online dating profiles again. I hate actually admitting that. The last two men I have dated I have found from online dating sites, and they were both good guys, not for me, but good guys. But honestly, it is hard to read what men are "looking" for, and if you are in the pity party state of mind, DON'T DO IT!! It just messes with your head!!

Dumbfounded

I was having a reasonably amicable chat with ML's father, trying to plan ML's 4th birthday party. Her Birthday falls on HIS weekend, but he has acquiesced and allowed the party to be where we live and he will bring her to his place that evening. So I thought all was going well in the lives of 2 separated parents that up until a few months ago, couldn't stand the sight of one another. Then he informed me that he wont be attending the birthday party festivities, as he can't stand to be around my family. So I am torn on how to feel about this. Happy that it won't be an uncomfortable and awkward occasion for most involved, but sad a little for ML that her dad has chosen not to attend. Maybe she doesn't care at this point... and maybe this is a sign of things to come. I know if it was the other way around, there is no way you could keep me away from her party, but not everyone is like me, right?


So while discussing this, he throws into the conversation about how stressful it is to be having this second baby (it's a girl). Just for the record, my baby lust it no secret. I think everyone, including THE EX knows about my longing more more kids, so this gets my back up a bit. I ask why, and he goes on about how there are kids who are sick and dying everyday and that is stressful. So I ask, are you feeling guilty to be having a healthy child? Then he says that I just don't understand, as the girlfriend is a nurse and she sees kids die everyday.

He acts like he is the first person to ever think like this. The first prospective parent to ever be worried and stressed about the health of their child. I had to add, well where you were when ML was sick last summer? Granted, ML's medical issues are now pretty easy to deal with, she gets medicine twice a day for her epilepsy, and she has been seizure free for almost nine months (and of course I'm knocking on wood as I type this). However, he was never there for all the trips to the doctor, the ambulance rides and the hospital tests and visits when we were trying to find out what was wrong. When you are at the neurological department at the children's hospital and the doctor tells you she is looking for a brain tumor while she is examining your kid, it causes a bit of stress, and before that, a lot of sleepless nights.


OH, how I wanted to come through the phone and punch him!! How dare he complain about having another healthy girl.

To add insult to injury, he later phoned to try to talk to ML (she wont talk to her father on the phone) and then again starts to complain about how they have no money and it is so hard to raise a kid on one salary.... Honestly, I couldn't make this shit up! I again reminded him that I in fact do KNOW what that is like since I have only had child support for 4 months of ML's almost 4 years of life...

AARRGGGHHH!!!

One of those days...

You know the kind where you sleep in and nothing seems to go right, and then your daughter, just because she can, refuses to wear any clothes besides her pajamas, and since you are so late already, refuses to do anything that you ask of her, you have to carry her to the car kicking and screaming, all the while she is crying about having to go to the daycare in her pajamas.... oh yeah it is pouring rain so there are tears about that as well....

Yeah it has been one of THOSE days!!