Second Last Day

This is going to be a tough week.

ML is with her Father for the week. I want to write "if you can believe" but it feels so unnecessary. The Ex didn't take this week off work. So ML is there, and hanging out with The Ex's Girlfriend and ML's sister. I am sure she will have fun, I am sure she will love hanging out with her baby sister... It probably is a good thing she is gone this week, as I am so upset about this whole job ending ridiculousness. This is the first time she has been gone for this long. The longest before was 3 nights over Christmas. Friends keep telling me "try to enjoy it". I want to scream at them, "I don't want to"!!! OK I am a little irrational these days...

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this, but until tomorrow, I work for the family business. LAID OFF is a nice way of saying pushed out. I have found out that I have been stabbed in the back by fellow workers who I thought were friends (one person even had us to dinner and fun at their family farm!) and by both my sister and brother-in-law. So now it feels like my family is being torn apart, my daughter is away and add a bit of looking for a job stress.

The silver lining in all this, (it's a good sign that I can still see this right?) is that I have had a few interviews already, and job prospects look good, and if I can get a job quick enough, my severance will be used to pay for NK's adoption.

That State of being Single

With the Sex and the City movie opening this weekend, and ML's father being the world's biggest jerk, among other random things, I have been thinking a lot about being single.

With the sex and the city link, I just wish I could meet as many fabulous men that the ladies seem to meet. Granted very few stay around, but really, there must be some of these men in Alberta? Right?

ML's Father being a jerk? Well I know that is news to the 3 of you who read this blog, but last weekend, I think he trumped himself. Truly. He screamed obscenities at me, with ML not a foot away from him. Why? Oh because I asked him not to swear at me and then had the Gaul to ask how he wanted to communicate about school. What does this have to do with being Single? It has to do with me being SO THANKFUL that he is not in my life EVERYDAY. And Knowing that being a single 35 year old woman is much better than being attached to the likes of him.

The other random things? One of them is I searched a on-line dating site and was appalled at the things men write. Like they are looking for "movie making partners" and the "sexually liberated with no strings"... in the relationship section!!! Which takes me back to the Question about there has to be some good men in Alberta right? OK then just lie to me OK?

The last thing is that little Urban Myth that says the more education a women has the less likely she is to be married and the less sex she has (I can't find a reference to it, But I KNOW I have read it before). Well guess who is starting to work on her master's degree again... Yup, that is right. Sister Tanya. Soon I guess I will be living like a nun.... but wait I guess I could just aspire to be like Samantha and contact those men looking for the movie making partner right?

Regrets?

A blog that I check daily is Tertia's. I love her writing and her honesty. Plus it is fun to hear about life half way across the world in Cape Town South Africa.

On her blog she is asking:

"Looking back at last week, last month, last year, the last decade, the past lifetime, what is it that you wished you had done or not done that you would pass on as a piece of advice to others who might follow your path. About marriage, parenting, work, life in general. I am not talking about regrets; I am talking about opportunities to learn. "

Well there were two lessons in the comments so far that had me nodding in agreement.

The first, is a motto that I try to follow, much to the chagrin of my family. "Don't be too house proud, nobody ever died wishing they had a cleaner house. Get out and enjoy life". My family are people who (in my opinion) care too much about the state of their houses. My mom has even said to me that if I had a neater house she would visit more often. I told her that is sad. We have argued about that one a few times...

The second was written by Mel. Tertia's sister. Her blog is Here. It is an awesome comment and I wanted to share it here. I find myself, more often than I would like doing what she advises not to. I know I shouldn't. But it is hard, especially when I am surrounded by "happy" couples.

Mine is for single parents....Don't over compensate, enjoy every second of being a parent that doesn't have to take care of a significant other and never has someone second guess her decisions. Don't keep on thinking what you don't have because you won't see what you do have.Don't feel lucky someone is "willing" to be in your life and deal with your baggage, see it as such an honour for them that you are willing to allow them into your precious family and share in the life of your child. (Carina told me that and it changed my dating life) Be a parent 1st and a friend second.

This past weekend in Radium was awesome. So relaxing and so nice to be in the mountains. Even the family got along really well, so well in fact that it has been a long time that it was like that for us. There was a warning that a cougar was seen in the area ( no, not me!!) and lots of mountain goats and big horn sheep wandering around, was a real treat for ML and me.

However Sunday night, friends of my sisters stopped by and I was surrounded by "happy" couples. I had a bit of a pity party, wondering why not me? I know I know, lame, but it is hard sometimes. Now I know they might not really be "happy" and I know I don't want to settle, just sometimes.....

Anyways, the comment about single parents made me think, and to be thankful.

Free Concert and Beer

I never win anything. really, you can ask my mom!

However that has changed recently. I won tickets to see this Band in Calgary, and it included 4 buckets of beer!!

I had made arrangements for us to stay over, even had a sitter in the city for ML. I had asked for Friday morning off so we could take our time coming back home in time for preschool, where it is my turn to be the "special guest".

Am I going? Nope. ML woke up early this morning with the flu... the puke filled kind. This is when being a single parent is hard. If I had a partner, they would be staying home with the sick kid while I went out (feeling guilty the whole time, really!) and enjoyed some live tunes and to drink my share of the beer... but instead, I am staying home. This kind of sick is not the kind I can feel good about leaving with the grandparents.

The worst part of this, is I know where this "bug" came from... I had friends over, and one brought her sick daughter, who was kind enough to puke in my bathroom before they went home.

Hello Karma? Meet payback!

Single Mom Therapy

No, not the kind you pay for by the hour.

Since I have gone through my court ordeal, I have had 2 close friends go through the court system with their ex's. One of the most cathartic things to do when you are going through that special kind of hell is have a ‘single mom therapy’ night. It is a way that you and your single mom friends get together and bitch and talk and strategize about life as a single mom.

Now this doesn't exclude to all the single moms by choice that are out there, they should certainly tag along. There will be tales of dating woes, babysitting concerns, when to call your lawyer talks, the ‘smarten up’ and maybe even a reality check. You will get all this and so much more really great single mom friends. They are there to help you from making the same mistakes they made, and to offer your own 'worldly' advice.

We have one of these nights about every couple of months, usually at my house. And oh is it therapeutic!! It also usually is a bit of a wine festival, but that is completely optional (hee!!) Oh and the laughs, can’t forget about that part, there is usually a lot of laughs, a few tears, but always more laughs.It makes you see that you are not alone. Talking to other moms that have the same issues as you makes your troubles seem manageable, even just for the night.

You may even find out that you are stronger than you thought. My friend told me that it was something that I said to her, at one of these evenings, that she is forever grateful for. She knew that she was going to be OK. It is good therapy for all involved. To help out a friend or two and to see just how far you have come.

More Drama at Chez Single Mom...

It must seem that I have nothing but drama in my life. It isn't true, just in the past year I have had more than my share.

What is the drama this time? I was at the local RCMP detachment today filing a harassment complaint on an ex-boyfriend. I wasn't going to write about this, and haven't written about it on either of my blogs before. I know I have done nothing wrong. But I feel as though telling people this, they will think "why would you date a guy like this in the first place?" I almost feel embarrassed about telling people this. I also feel bad, guilty, worried about how this will make him feel. Why is that? I know that these feelings are not rational.

I have checked off the YES box to have Victim services contact me.

I had to visit 3 different places this morning for someone to finally take my statement, and the whole time I am trekking back and forth, I am thinking, this is why this stuff doesn't get reported. They don't make it easy. It took over 90 minutes to finally get to the right place.

This ex boyfriend of mine has been an ex for about a year. Somedays he calls incessantly, send cards and gifts. He tells me he loves me all the time. He would show up at my house with gifts for ML. The last straw was regarding a birthday present. He sent me a cheque for $222.00. He said was a lucky number and that I should either get my hair done or spoil ML. I didn't cash it, it had been sitting on my desk, waiting for me to get around to mailing it back.

Yesterday I picked up the mail, it had another card in it, and I thought, this is enough. It is annoying and I want it to stop. I send a very civil email, telling him I was sending the money back, I wish him the best, that we will never be together, to please move on etc.

It was his responses to my email that prompted me to go to the police. His first was a 3 page diatribe about nothing relevant to my email, making him sound very crazy, It spanned the topics of illegal drug use, Canadian and US politics and racism in Zimbabwe. The second email he sent was in regards to the cheque for $222.00 He said that he will be sending more money and it would entitle him to two visits with ML this month.

That scared me.

So now I wait. I was told in these cases usually all that is required is a call or a visit from the RCMP and this will make them leave you alone. I hope they are right.

Working vs Family Balance

There is a lot of talk in the media and in parenting magazines about the balance that one needs, between their working life and their family life. It is a hard one to find, especially as a single mom.

I do the best I can, and when I have ML I spend 90% of my non- working time with her. Every second weekend she goes to her father's and I try to have that time as my time to go out and do as I please.

This long weekend meant ML and I spent 3 days together, seeing friends and family, and ML accompanied me the entire time. We went to get her hair cut, bought her tights to wear with her Easter dress (she is a shopper, when things are for her!!) went for a walk at a local park to see the geese that have recently arrived, made popcorn to watch hockey on TV (at her request). Then Easter morning so much excitement finding eggs and having the family over for Brunch.

Yesterday afternoon was spent with wonderful friends just hanging out in the back yard (in March!!) watching the kids play and run. I thought it was an awesome weekend of good mom and ML time...

However at bedtime last night ML says that she doesn't think I love her!! Then this morning she cried and cried en route to the day home saying that she didn't want to go to the day home (that she loves, and is loved at) but instead wanted to come to work with me. I asked why and she says " I never get to spend time with you!" (see above weekend description)

Now I know that ML knows that I love her. I tell her all the time. I will make an effort, obviously, to tell her more, as she seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment.

Is this ML still getting used to her weekends at her Fathers, and she wants more mom time, more like we used to have. Is it a phase? Is it because we have be talking about adding another kid to the family and ML feeling insecure of her place?

I am torn as to what to do. Do I need to work less hours in the day? Can I afford to? Will work allow it? What about working from home? Is this just a phase that will pass with time? Any suggestions?

Being a Single Mom and getting the balance right is not easy.

Thirty-Five

I don't feel old enough to have this number attached to me. I never have had a problem with getting older, but this year it is hard.

I am one of those people who LOVES their birthday. My family even teases me about this, but this year, turning 35 has brought tears to my eyes more than a few times. I think it is because my life doesn't look like I thought it would. I always assumed that at 35 I would have a house full of kids, a partner in life, and be changing the world with my fabulousness (smile).

I know I am not the first to not have life turning out the way I had planned, and I know only I can change this, but today it still hurts.

So today I am having a pity part, all are welcome, (BYOB!!) and tomorrow I should be back to finding how my fabulousness will be changing the world!

"Prize" Boyfriend

I just came across this article, and just had to comment.

"Zoo Weekly has urged men to submit photographs of their girl's cleavage so that readers can vote online for which woman most deserves 10,000 dollars (8,450 US) worth of plastic surgery to improve her chest."

Can you imagine if you found out your boyfriend submitted a picture??

"It's impossible to think of a more romantic gift than new breasts," magazine editor Paul Merrill said in a statement. "It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Seriously, if my boyfriend entered me in that contest, we would be done so fast!! It is one thing as a women to choose to have your boobs done, but another thing entirely to have your boyfriend try to win you one because yours aren't perfect.

Or is it? I am sure there are some women out there that wouldn't be as offended as me, in fact maybe they would be grateful that their boyfriend would be so thoughtful...

All I can say is WOW. Sometimes I think there is a very good reason why I have been single for so long.

Revelations and a "Bullet Dodged"

As you may have noticed from some of my blog posts as of late, I am having a hard time with the single life. It all has been piling up on me, the court proceedings, the every second weekend visitation, and the fact that THE EX is having another child. All of this has been really hard to cope with as of late. But....

I hate to actually admit this, but I am beginning to really enjoy my kid-free weekends. I have been to grown up movies, gone out with friends, sometimes I just do NOTHING!! I have forgotten what it was like to be 'single'. Of course, me being me, writing that makes me feel so guilty!! But truly it has been good for my soul to have some down time. Lots of people told me that I would feel this way, and I didn't believe them, so now I take it back!! OK well some of it.

ML, on the other hand is still having a very tough time with the weekend visits to her father's. She seems to be fine when she comes home, but the going doesn't seem to be getting any easier, in fact this past birthday weekend was the worst in a long time.

Now to the 'Dodged bullet'. THE EX send me an instant message saying that he wont be able to give me the child support for August! Just want to remind everyone that ML turned 4 on the weekend and I have received child support for a total of 5 months of her life. This infuriates me, as I have started to become accustomed to his support. I knew that it would most likely not last, and I should have been prepared.

Lets talk percentage for a moment shall we, 5/48 = 10.416%. That is the amount of time he has financially supported his kid. Five months out of forty-eight he has been able to come up with the cash to help pay for her everyday needs.

Now why can't be pay? Oh because he quit his job!! He has a 4 year old and a baby due in October, and he is unemployed. He has caused me stress, and you better believe that there is stress in his house at the moment. He did the same to me when I was pregnant with ML, out of work for way to long and then quitting jobs before another was lined up.

This man who I have known for almost 7 years, will never change. you know the saying, a leopard can't change its spots... I realize that I am lucky to be away from that relationship, and sometimes just need little reminders.

It makes me sad that he hasn't been able to grow up. And, if you can actually believe I am typing this, I feel for his girlfriend. I know what she is going through. I am mad at previous self for putting up with that garbage for so long in the past, but like I said, it is a bullet I feel I have dodged and left behind. As lonely as the single life gets, I would take it over the stress and anguish of dealing with THE EX about these things that will never change.

My New Addiction

FACEBOOK

I love it!! When I first signed on, I thought oh yeah, great a new way to compete to see how many "friends" we all have!! I wasn't convinced that this was going to be for me, and my friend encouraged me to sign up, as she said it cant hurt, maybe Mr Right knows a friend of a friend... (nice motivation hey?? see previous post!! ha ha)

So I joined, had a very small group of friends for quite a while. The funny thing was, that all these people I spoke to on a regular basis anyway so I was thinking, this is pointless!!
But then, my old work found me, had a whole group of ex-workers, even had reunions planned. Talk about strolling down memory lane, as this is where I met ML's father...

Then a dear friend from University found me. We met in 1993, and I last saw her in 2000. We when last saw each other, it was in a grocery store, short and sweet, promising we would catch up soon...Then I moved across the country and she got married, changed her name, and lost touch. I had looked for her but couldn't find her. I didn't know her married name. Well since we have found each other, we have been chatting non stop, and it was like we never lost touch. She now is divorced with a child, and we completely relate to one another, and laugh at all the stuff we got into 'back in the day'.

So many old friends have found me and vice versa, and whenever I start to feel lonely, this little phenomenon of our technological age helps. I know how it may seem to some, that you would need the computer to know you have friends. I was one of the skeptics! I can be very lonely being a single parent. When you put the kid to bed and the house is quiet, you can log into facebook, makes you realize you aren't alone, that there are friends out there. So if you have been skeptical about this facebook phenomenon, I recommend you try it, look up your old friends, it has been nothing but awesome for me, if not a little addictive!!

Pity Party, table for one...

I have been really struggling with the "Single Life" as of late. And it all stems from that proposal I received, way back in March. You see, that gentleman again, has professed his love, and I have again, turned him down. I have always believed that I would never "settle". You know, get married or be in a relationship with someone just to avoid being alone. I never wanted to accept a man/husband/boyfriend just because he was the best I could do. I wanted to love and be loved. Gawd that sounds so cliché. Now the gentleman I refer to is a very kind man, but he is not for me. I do not love him. But I cannot stop thinking, I get why people settle. They are afraid that it is as good as it gets. I am now so afraid.

It doesn't help that I have been looking at online dating profiles again. I hate actually admitting that. The last two men I have dated I have found from online dating sites, and they were both good guys, not for me, but good guys. But honestly, it is hard to read what men are "looking" for, and if you are in the pity party state of mind, DON'T DO IT!! It just messes with your head!!

Vacation

Did you miss me? Anyone even realize I was gone? sniff sniff!! Ok I promise no pity party today.

No I didn't drop off the face of the earth, ML and I took a great relaxing vacation to the West Coast. It was so needed. We needed some mom and daughter time away from all the distractions that have been around lately.

So we went to Victoria for a few days, then rented a car and drove up to Parksville. It was the perfect location for a family vacation. It was lonely though. This is the first vacation I have taken with ML that is over 4 days, and it got to be a bit lonely, so I think next time I will invite another adult or 2 along. It was after she went to bed in the evening, that I was really craving the adult time. And I didn't bring a laptop so no computer either, so it was just me, with a bevy and the TV or a book.

I took some really cute pictures, and I might even share!!

I have a few more posts brewing in my head, and I will post those when I clear my desk of all the work that was left for me when I was away.

Who is a bad blogger?? ME?? huh?

Wow, I pull together 3 posts then I dissappear for 3 months.

Somethings have happened in my life, that I should update on here.

I met someone, lets call him P~. Things, I thought, were going along great, then he pops the question, in a not very romantic way, and I said no, I need more time. It has been a relationship of 3 months. And after mulling that around figure that it is not just that it has been a short time, that we are not meant to be... planning on ending it this weekend. I should have a good post about that. I am very sad about ending it, as he is a fabulous guy, and he is just what I want/need on "paper" but he is not the one. I like him, I care about him, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the one. I will miss him, but it is not fair to keep him around because I am lonely.

What else... oh yeah ML's dad has taken me to court to re-work our parenting agreement, and it is not going well. Lots of tears on all parts. ML is going to his house very other weeknd, and she does not like it. I am hoping that we all get used to this arrangement soon, and life can continue. The good thing I guess is that I am finally receiving some child support... looking for the silver lining here.

I still have adoption in my heart. It feels like it could be a reality now, not just a pipe dream. I need to get my finances in order and start. I know this is a hard road, I know that family may not be supportive oh my decision as I am a single mom with limited fiances. But I know that I do well enough to have another child or 2 (or more....) in my house.

I also really would like to have another bio kid. I have discussed this previously, and that has not gone away... just need to find mr right.