6th Aniversary of being a mom

Today is ML's sixth birthday, thus my 6th anniversary of being a mom. ML has been six for days, she tells me, ever since we held her party, she decided that she is already six.

This Birthday is a hard one for me. ML is not with me to celebrate. She is in Montreal visiting her father. I hope for her sake that she is having a fantastic day, and that she is enjoying seeing her sister she has missed so much since they moved away.

It doesn't feel like her birthday with her not around.

Today is also the anniversary of her first seizure. It has been 3 years, and we think that she has epilepsy beat.

Happy Birthday Big Girl!!

Its been almost a year...

I disappeared again. I needed to.
I lost my job, took forever to find a new one. And when I did it felt like I was gone for too long to start again. But then again, I thought I have something to say, even if it is just to myself... so here goes the update.

I am engaged. That fact alone still blows my mind. If you have read this post on my adoption blog, you would know what started it. When you find out how much money someone donates to an orphanage in your name, just to prove to you that they get "it" well it melted my cold single mom heart. In lieu of party favours at the wedding, we will make a donation to this same orphanage in Harare Zimbabwe.

We are planning on visiting Zimbabwe in December 2010 to visit with PN's family and of course to see the Orphanage that rekindled the relationship.

So the Wedding date is August and in Banff/Canmore, and will be a small family affair and will ad hear to as many of my feminist sensibilities that PN and my family can handle.

As for the EX... he moved to Montreal. ML was devastated. Got called in to speak with her Kindergarten Teacher asking what happened as she was no longer the same little girl. This obviously broke my heart and it has taken months for her to become the same little girl. This also prevented me from blogging, as there was just too much hurt.

What has helped is PN. ML is a special girl who has 2 fathers. Her Father in Quebec and her Step Dad who lives with us. It has been a hard adjustment, but we are working through it. There have been temper tantrums and the expected who is the boss/parent in the house, but I can tell you that ML is happy. Everyone says so. Since PN has become a permanent fixture in her life, people have commented how happy she is. And she tells EVERYONE that she has 2 dads. In her language she calls The Ex her "real" dad and calls him papa and her step dad whom she calls Dad. The calling PN Dad was her idea... When she speaks of PN she just calls him Dad, and when someone refers to him as her Dad she just gets a little smile on her face and agrees with them.

To help with the bonding, we went on a trip to the Bahamas. This did wonders for us as a family. The time we spent together just playing on the beach and experiencing things was priceless.

So that is my life in a nutshell these last 11 months...

Oh and in 2 days I am going to Vegas with my sisters and friends for my stagette!!

Fifth Anniversary

Five years ago today I became a mom.

It has truly been the best and hardest five years of my life.

The past week I was without ML as she was with her father for the first of her 2 weeks with him for summer visits.

So on the week approaching my 5 year anniversary of being a mom, I spent it alone. Friends telling me I should enjoy it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but it certainly wasn't something I enjoyed, and my house was way too quiet. I missed my Daughter. It didn't help that I didn't work for part of the week. The week alone, I got to experience my life as "child free". I prefer the child in my life. Even though it is infinitely harder and more work, it is just plain more fun!

I picked ML up Sunday night, and I asked about her visit. She told me many interesting tidbits. .

One of these tidbits was that when her father missed a weekend visit in June, as well as Fathers day, he was more than the "out of town" that he told me. He was in the UK with his sister. They decided to stay a bit longer so that is why he missed picking her up on Father's day. Funny that he claims poverty to the courts and he is $5000 in arrears in his child support payments....

The second tidbit, and this bothers me on so many levels, is that this past week was the first time he has ever had ML for an extended time... but he didn't take one day off work. He also sent her to someones house for a sleep over one night...

It makes me sad.

A New Book for ME to read

This book was mentioned on one of the adoption boards I am a member of , and it sounds like just what I need to read. I hope it has some good advice and coping strategies etc. It is not in any store in my city that I can find, but I did find it on eBay... so here's hoping I win the auction!!

The title of the first chapter is "what did I ever see in my ex" which should be a good one, as well as other chapters with ideas how to cooperate and to figure out what the problem is. I have High hopes, but I know that in the end the Jerk or THE EX has to want to communicate and solve the problems...

I will post a review once I have read it.

A Record For ML

This blog of mine is turning into a journal of sorts to give ML. I didn't start this for her, but now it feels like this will be for her. For her when she is 12 and thinks that her Mother is crazy and knows nothing, when she is tempted to live with her father. Also for when she is older so she will know her story.

ML's father has not seen her since the end of May, he cancelled his last weekend visit to go out of town, where I have no idea. As I posted, didn't show up on Father's day. There is never even a phone call between visits.

This is his weekend, the first time he has seen his daughter in almost a month. He was 15 minutes late to pick her up. When ML realized that he was here, finally, she ran and grabbed her Father's day gift, excitedly put on her shoes, forgot her overnight bag and ran out of the house and down the driveway. She was so excited to finally give him his gift... you could feel her excitement, and the smile on her face couldn't have been bigger.

She gave him her masterpiece, "look what I made you!" she yells. "Whats this? oh" is his reply and then he puts it in the van. He didn't say thank you. He didn't say how wonderful it is. He didn't even say HI to his daughter. He just put her in the van, all the while she is trying to get his attention " right papa? papa did you hear me"

I asked him to please tell me when he is taking her this summer, as he has her for 2 weeks. He doesn't answer. I asked again, really nicely. "Please The Ex, I need to make arrangements for this summer...." No response. I asked him to just email me the dates. No response, just gets in the van, shuts the doors and drives off.

It is June 20th and he refuses to tell me when he is taking her for his share of the summer vacation. I have asked him since March, as that was when the first summer camps and activities started accepting registrations. ML told me that they are planning a trip to Quebec, and he wont tell me when they are going.

I hope that she sees him for who he is one day. I hope that by that time he hasn't hurt her too much.

Everyone says he can't do this, he can't be this unreasonable... He is. And there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it.

I am just so scared that he will take her to Quebec and not bring her back.

Kindergarten Orientation

Like I said here, I will be a blubbering mess when School starts in September

When they opened with the parents prayer, my eyes started to tear up! Listening to the speech therapist, principal and the kindergarten teachers made me so excited for ML for school to start!

When I saw the classroom with the little chairs and the room full of all their art work, made me start to cry...

I had a long chat with ML's teacher, told her about her Epilepsy, her Father. Especially the concerns I have around religion and her fathers thoughts about that. She thanks me for telling her, and said it gives her the summer to come up with great retorts if ML ever repeats what her Father tells her about God. I also mentioned my adoption plans and she was very excited for us, and will try to incorporate adoption and out country of choice into the curriculum. I told her I will keep her posted.

She showed us their printing books, artwork (she teaches them how to draw, and I think most are better than I am!) and the scrapbooks with all the pictures that she prepares, are priceless.

My little girl is going to school, and although I am so excited for her, it still makes me cry! She is not so little anymore!

First trip to the Dentist

This week ML had her first trip to the Dentist. It went very well, they made sure she wasn't scared, had fun "counting" her teeth. No cavities. Yay!

He did say that she has a "tongue thrust" and that she could use some speech therapy to get her out of that habit. That is not something I have ever noticed, but am told they screen for speech issues in Kindergarten, so that will be done for me in the fall. Oh and he did say a little thing about Braces are pretty much a given in her future...

ML was very disappointed that she was not offered a new toothbrush... I didn't realize this until after we had left, was too busy listening to all the Dentist had to say and of course paying my share. Paying it seems will be something that is done a lot of in the future if this prediction of Braces is indeed true.

The Other Child

I don't want this blog to just be a bitch fest for me about THE EX, but I need to write about it.

The past week there needed to be some tweaking of the parenting time as a result of Mother's day as per our agreement. I sent an email informing him I would pick ML up on Sunday morning since I have a family event in his city anyways... he responded with "I want my 2 days therefor I want her Thursday night until Saturday night". I said no, sorry that doesn't work. She has soccer that I coach, so we will not be home to facilitate the pick up and she has preschool on Friday that she loves. Plus I don't want to start the precedent that it is OK to pull her out of school for 'parenting time'.

Apparently he was very unhappy with this arrangement, but as I have mentioned here before, he doesn't communicate regularly with me, and he didn't respond. I had no idea if he was still coming Thursday, if he as bringing her back Saturday ... etc. So when he showed up on Friday to pick ML up, I asked him if the plan was as I mentioned, the Sunday morning pick up by me, and he responds with "I'm not speaking to you". I said OK, just tell me yes OR no. Silence. He put ML in the car, locked the doors rolled up the windows and drove off. So I called him, he put me on ignore.

So I called his girlfriend, apologized for putting her in a spot, and asked her.

I showed up Sunday Morning, picked up ML and took her to my car. When putting her in her seat, I noticed that she had a bad rash, looked like the measles (she has been vaccinated) but I was worried, so I called him. I asked him if he saw the rash, did he just wash her face with soap, maybe that is the offender... he says "she didn't get it from my house". I say "THE EX we have been out of your house for 90 seconds..." he says "didn't happen here" and hangs up.

My mother says that I shouldn't tell people about the way he behaves, as it makes me look bad. Maybe, but if I don't tell someone, I will explode. When he behaves this way I wonder how the Hell were we ever together? How the Hell does he have another girlfriend and family?

He is a Child. I am guessing about 7 years old.

Special Guest Yet Again

I again had the privilege of being the Special Guest at ML's preschool. This time it was for a field trip. The teacher planned a 4 km hike with the 3 & 4 year olds through a nature preserve. I figured she was crazy and I would end up carrying a few kids, but I figured I love to hike so I volunteered.

I just cannot say enough good things about this program. It gets kids so interested in their environment and nature. Many of the girls were very concerned that an ant would be stepped on, and a few tears where shed when in fact, this did happen. When a few of the kids would start shrieking because of the sight of a bug, others would remind them that they were food for the birds and then it would be all OK.

One of the funniest moments for me was when little boy came running up to be yelling " I just saw a Red Ant!!" like it was the most exciting thing he has ever seen, so I asked him if he likes red ants and he says "No! They bite 'member??"Like don't you know anything lady? ha ha

Walking along the paths, the teacher would point out a plant or shrub or moss and the kids would all yell its name. I think I even learned a few things!

The kids were a hoot (sorry pun intended I had too! And yes we even saw an owl and their nest!). When it was all done, driving home for lunch, ML was fast asleep in the car. Perfect. I will be taking her on this hike again!!

Question at Church

On the weekendss that ML is with me, we take my mom to church. ML looks forward to going, as she loves attending the children's litergy, which invariably involves coloring a page about gospel reading of the day. This is something we have done (not faithfully mind you ) since ML was born. (It is every second weekend, as she doesn't attend with her father. He has now decided that he is an atheist. He tells ML such gems as "God is extinct like the Dinoaurs".)

In our church there is "The Great Crucifix". It is a beautiful piece of art, 6.5 m in height. If you are not familiar with Catholic symbolism, on a Catholic cross there is a depiction of Jesus nailed to the cross.

We usually sit on the side of the church, right next to the cross, as it is easy for ML to see me when she comes out of the Children's Litergy, if we sit elsewhere, she ends up wandeing the aisles of the church lost, looking for me.

So this all being let up to the question ML asked yesterday at church. She pointed to the cross and very loudly asked

"Mom who is that there?"

I think we have some work to do!

Toddler Couture

You know the saying more money than brains?

Purising the internet today I found this article.

Ridiculous.

A Little Girl's Broken Heart

ML had her heart broken for the first time this weekend. Broken by a group of girl's that excluded her.

I wasn't there, so I don't have an observer's unbiased picture of what went down. All ML could tell me is that these girls all had bikes (she doesn't have a bike at her father's) and she was playing with them, and then all of a sudden they all took off on their bikes and left her behind. Whether this slight and abandonment was intentional or not, or whether ML just didn't understand, the hurt she felt was real. ML is a sensitive soul, she comes by it honestly, and this broke her heart. It broke mine too.

The Ex told her that the kids were being mean, well this seemed to hurt her more as she really likes these girls and defended their actions even though it made her cry for hours after the fact.

I know that this will be the first of I am sure many times that she will cry because of the behavior of girls. Why are girls so mean at times? I remember all of the tears that I shed from similar hurts, and they seem to continue throughout our lives. The cliques and the exclusions, why even at her preschool there is a clique of girls that remind the other girls that they are not part of their best friends. They are FOUR!!

All I know how to do is remind her of all her good friends she has, and that if they are making her feel that way, then maybe she shouldn't play with them...

Anyone else with good ideas on dealing with the girl stuff?

Special Guest

I was the "special guest" and preschool this morning. ML has begged and begged for me to be the guest, so I finally relented, took the morning off work and arrived at preschool with the obligatory snack and juice. ML was so excited!! Today's theme was wolves! We made finger puppets, howlers ( paper rolls that we could howl into! hee) and went for a walk looking for good spots to build a den. Topped off, of course, with a game of 'what time is it Mr. Wolf?!'

It melted my heart that me, joining ML at preschool, would bring her so much joy. She asks that I do it again, I might surprise her with another appearance near the end of the preschool year. Oh it is days like this that I wish I was a stay at home mom. I would love to be able to spend more time volunteering with her school. But then again, I might not appreciate it as much, right?

In talking to the teacher, she told me that only a handful of the moms volunteer, and no dad's yet this year. Quite a few are not even interested in what the program entails and how their kids are doing. Makes me sad.

She also said they are having trouble filling the spots. You see, this program teaches kids about nature, ecology and their natural world around them. There are no ABC's taught here. Many parents are competitive and think that this program is flawed, as their kid will be behind when they reach kindergarten. So sad. Getting kids interested in science and their world around them is so important. As important as learning their ABC's.

Free Concert and Beer

I never win anything. really, you can ask my mom!

However that has changed recently. I won tickets to see this Band in Calgary, and it included 4 buckets of beer!!

I had made arrangements for us to stay over, even had a sitter in the city for ML. I had asked for Friday morning off so we could take our time coming back home in time for preschool, where it is my turn to be the "special guest".

Am I going? Nope. ML woke up early this morning with the flu... the puke filled kind. This is when being a single parent is hard. If I had a partner, they would be staying home with the sick kid while I went out (feeling guilty the whole time, really!) and enjoyed some live tunes and to drink my share of the beer... but instead, I am staying home. This kind of sick is not the kind I can feel good about leaving with the grandparents.

The worst part of this, is I know where this "bug" came from... I had friends over, and one brought her sick daughter, who was kind enough to puke in my bathroom before they went home.

Hello Karma? Meet payback!

Movie Date

Last Thursday I took ML on a movie date the the fancy new theatre in our city. She was going to spend the weekend with her father, so I thought a Thursday night outing would be a nice treat.

I took her to the new movie Horton Hears a Who, as I have heard lots of mom and kids say that it was very cute. Well the animation was very cute, but the story .... not so cute.

In this movie, it is said many times that the Who has 96 daughters and he schedules them to spend something like exactly 12 seconds with each, but he has 1 son. He dotes on him, even though he won't speak, won't participate in the family, telling him that he will take over the business... you see where this is going. The original Dr. Seuss story has none of this "plot line", just that there are lots of kids and the youngest/smallest saves the day. Well in the movie version, it isn't the youngest or the smallest, it is the only son.

Now maybe you think am over-reacting, reading too much into a children's cartoon, but I don't think so. Why couldn't the story just have been one of the kids, one of the sons? One of the daughters? Why the only son, who got all his dad's attention, and the only one who was being groomed to take over the family career?

Why must the movie industry only give girls 'princesses' or relegate them to bit players? Why do we still need to have story lines with the prodigal son who is the one to save the day? Where are the strong girl characters?

/rant

(I have soemthing to say related to adoption as well if you want more rantings of a single mom)

Single Mom Therapy

No, not the kind you pay for by the hour.

Since I have gone through my court ordeal, I have had 2 close friends go through the court system with their ex's. One of the most cathartic things to do when you are going through that special kind of hell is have a ‘single mom therapy’ night. It is a way that you and your single mom friends get together and bitch and talk and strategize about life as a single mom.

Now this doesn't exclude to all the single moms by choice that are out there, they should certainly tag along. There will be tales of dating woes, babysitting concerns, when to call your lawyer talks, the ‘smarten up’ and maybe even a reality check. You will get all this and so much more really great single mom friends. They are there to help you from making the same mistakes they made, and to offer your own 'worldly' advice.

We have one of these nights about every couple of months, usually at my house. And oh is it therapeutic!! It also usually is a bit of a wine festival, but that is completely optional (hee!!) Oh and the laughs, can’t forget about that part, there is usually a lot of laughs, a few tears, but always more laughs.It makes you see that you are not alone. Talking to other moms that have the same issues as you makes your troubles seem manageable, even just for the night.

You may even find out that you are stronger than you thought. My friend told me that it was something that I said to her, at one of these evenings, that she is forever grateful for. She knew that she was going to be OK. It is good therapy for all involved. To help out a friend or two and to see just how far you have come.

Working vs Family Balance

There is a lot of talk in the media and in parenting magazines about the balance that one needs, between their working life and their family life. It is a hard one to find, especially as a single mom.

I do the best I can, and when I have ML I spend 90% of my non- working time with her. Every second weekend she goes to her father's and I try to have that time as my time to go out and do as I please.

This long weekend meant ML and I spent 3 days together, seeing friends and family, and ML accompanied me the entire time. We went to get her hair cut, bought her tights to wear with her Easter dress (she is a shopper, when things are for her!!) went for a walk at a local park to see the geese that have recently arrived, made popcorn to watch hockey on TV (at her request). Then Easter morning so much excitement finding eggs and having the family over for Brunch.

Yesterday afternoon was spent with wonderful friends just hanging out in the back yard (in March!!) watching the kids play and run. I thought it was an awesome weekend of good mom and ML time...

However at bedtime last night ML says that she doesn't think I love her!! Then this morning she cried and cried en route to the day home saying that she didn't want to go to the day home (that she loves, and is loved at) but instead wanted to come to work with me. I asked why and she says " I never get to spend time with you!" (see above weekend description)

Now I know that ML knows that I love her. I tell her all the time. I will make an effort, obviously, to tell her more, as she seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment.

Is this ML still getting used to her weekends at her Fathers, and she wants more mom time, more like we used to have. Is it a phase? Is it because we have be talking about adding another kid to the family and ML feeling insecure of her place?

I am torn as to what to do. Do I need to work less hours in the day? Can I afford to? Will work allow it? What about working from home? Is this just a phase that will pass with time? Any suggestions?

Being a Single Mom and getting the balance right is not easy.

What the Tolerance Post was about

(warning this is a long post)
When I wrote the post about teaching my daughter tolerance, I didn't specifically say what it was I was referring to.

Here is a bit of background info.

I was raised a Roman Catholic, went to Catholic school had my first communion, reconciliation and confirmation done through the school system and had mandatory religion classes.

When my daughter was born, I wanted to have her baptized Catholic, so she could also go to Catholic school and have the sacrements, and it was really important to my mom. When my mom was growing up, their family was the only Catholic family in a protestant town, and they were harassed and teased about this, especially since her family had 12 kids, she didn't want my sisters and me to ever go through that.

To have my daughter baptized, the church requires that both parents sign the consent form. My Ex and I split when my daughter was 6 weeks old, and I left the province we were living in. Before I left, he signed the papers. She was baptized when she was 5 months old, it was a big family celebration. She is registered to start kindergarten in a Catholic school in the fall. The dayhome that my daughter attends is run by a wonderful family from El Salvador, they are Catholic as well, and there are discussions about God during the day.

Now why is this important?

As this post states, my daughter came home and told me that her father told her "God is dead. Smart people know this, not smart people think God is alive and real". Now these are my four year old's words, I don't know exactly what was said. I have asked him many times to tell me what he said, but he refuses to speak to me. Since my daughter's birth, The Ex has decided that he is an atheist, and is not happy that ML attends church.

This teaching a child to hate, based on religion. My ex is telling my daughter anyone that is not an atheist is "not smart". As you can imagine, this distresses me a great deal. Not only becasue this hurt her, she might start to look at people who think or pray differently than her and think that they are "not smart". It is not acceptable for any parent to teach a child that someone else's beliefs or ideas make them " not smart".

What runs through my mind is all the genocides, the horrible hate crimes, what things were said in the homes of those who perpetrated these crimes. Hate begets hate. Whether it is about religion or the color of one's skin, differences should be celebrated not looked down upon. That is what I am trying to teach my daughter, and it is so hard when it feels like you have to "compete" with another parent that is teaching the opposite.

Mutiny at Chez Single Mom

I want to write about the tolerance post, and will get to it, however, there seems to be a mutiny occurring at my house!!

It concerns a 4 year old, lets call her ML, and she is refusing to get dressed in the morning. In fact it is getting to be so bad that I have been late for work twice this week... and yes it is Tuesday!!

Now I have heard most of the "tricks" with kids and their choice of clothes. We have tried picking the outfit out the night before, letting ML pick from a pile of approved (read appropriate for the weather) clothes, talking about what we will be wearing all before hand etc. etc. Well lately NOTHING is working!

Now I know this is common for the age, I have friends with kids who refuse to wear anything but jeans, or certian super heroes t-shirts, but ML is not so specific. In fact what is acceptable to her seems to change on a daily basis. Yesterday there was a meltdown because there was no LONG SLEEVED shirt that she could wear ( it was +16 here yesterday) and she said she would be too hot with a sweater on. So last night, I put a load of laundry in, that included a few LONG SLEEVED shirts, and this morning... meltdown as there was no T-SHIRT she could wear!!!

Does anyone else know of any other 'tricks' that either they heard worked or has worked for them????

Teaching Tolerance

Oh the things you need to talk to four year old's about...


It started at Christmas when ML noticed that not everyone went as crazy as we do with the decorations and lights. She asks "Why" about everything! We discussed that not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone likes putting lights on their houses, and unfortunately some people can't afford it etc. etc. But that it was OK that people didn't. That There are lots of things people do that we don't participate in, and that makes learning about other people and ideas fun.


These Questions were mostly forgotten once the Christmas season was over, but teaching tolerance to my daughter became very important recently.


Unfortunately, I have had a child with someone who no longer believes in tolerance, (and he is mad at me, another post) and has told my daughter that smart people know "something" and not smart people don't. (I will discuss what this "something" in a later post, it is not about race, it is about religious beliefs, and I think it deserves its own post). So I had to go back to our discussion about Christmas with ML.

I know how to teach adults tolerance. However, I am having a really hard time with this conversation with a 4 year old. I know I can say the same things over and over until she is old enough to understand, but I am afraid that she will go to school in September and say what she has heard and this will either either hurt another child, or me receiving a phone call from the school. I find the words and examples I want to use are hard for her to understand


I have purchased a few books to read to ML, (and if anyone knows of more good ones, please let me know...) One of them so that she knows that it is OK that she has epilepsy, that it is OK to be different, the others I purchased in anticipating that another person would be joining our family, and most likely will not look like either me or ML.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.


All the Colors of the Earth by Sheila Hamanaka

We're Different, We're the Same by Bobbi Kates

Why am I Different by Norma Simon