6th Aniversary of being a mom

Today is ML's sixth birthday, thus my 6th anniversary of being a mom. ML has been six for days, she tells me, ever since we held her party, she decided that she is already six.

This Birthday is a hard one for me. ML is not with me to celebrate. She is in Montreal visiting her father. I hope for her sake that she is having a fantastic day, and that she is enjoying seeing her sister she has missed so much since they moved away.

It doesn't feel like her birthday with her not around.

Today is also the anniversary of her first seizure. It has been 3 years, and we think that she has epilepsy beat.

Happy Birthday Big Girl!!

Its been almost a year...

I disappeared again. I needed to.
I lost my job, took forever to find a new one. And when I did it felt like I was gone for too long to start again. But then again, I thought I have something to say, even if it is just to myself... so here goes the update.

I am engaged. That fact alone still blows my mind. If you have read this post on my adoption blog, you would know what started it. When you find out how much money someone donates to an orphanage in your name, just to prove to you that they get "it" well it melted my cold single mom heart. In lieu of party favours at the wedding, we will make a donation to this same orphanage in Harare Zimbabwe.

We are planning on visiting Zimbabwe in December 2010 to visit with PN's family and of course to see the Orphanage that rekindled the relationship.

So the Wedding date is August and in Banff/Canmore, and will be a small family affair and will ad hear to as many of my feminist sensibilities that PN and my family can handle.

As for the EX... he moved to Montreal. ML was devastated. Got called in to speak with her Kindergarten Teacher asking what happened as she was no longer the same little girl. This obviously broke my heart and it has taken months for her to become the same little girl. This also prevented me from blogging, as there was just too much hurt.

What has helped is PN. ML is a special girl who has 2 fathers. Her Father in Quebec and her Step Dad who lives with us. It has been a hard adjustment, but we are working through it. There have been temper tantrums and the expected who is the boss/parent in the house, but I can tell you that ML is happy. Everyone says so. Since PN has become a permanent fixture in her life, people have commented how happy she is. And she tells EVERYONE that she has 2 dads. In her language she calls The Ex her "real" dad and calls him papa and her step dad whom she calls Dad. The calling PN Dad was her idea... When she speaks of PN she just calls him Dad, and when someone refers to him as her Dad she just gets a little smile on her face and agrees with them.

To help with the bonding, we went on a trip to the Bahamas. This did wonders for us as a family. The time we spent together just playing on the beach and experiencing things was priceless.

So that is my life in a nutshell these last 11 months...

Oh and in 2 days I am going to Vegas with my sisters and friends for my stagette!!

Fifth Anniversary

Five years ago today I became a mom.

It has truly been the best and hardest five years of my life.

The past week I was without ML as she was with her father for the first of her 2 weeks with him for summer visits.

So on the week approaching my 5 year anniversary of being a mom, I spent it alone. Friends telling me I should enjoy it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but it certainly wasn't something I enjoyed, and my house was way too quiet. I missed my Daughter. It didn't help that I didn't work for part of the week. The week alone, I got to experience my life as "child free". I prefer the child in my life. Even though it is infinitely harder and more work, it is just plain more fun!

I picked ML up Sunday night, and I asked about her visit. She told me many interesting tidbits. .

One of these tidbits was that when her father missed a weekend visit in June, as well as Fathers day, he was more than the "out of town" that he told me. He was in the UK with his sister. They decided to stay a bit longer so that is why he missed picking her up on Father's day. Funny that he claims poverty to the courts and he is $5000 in arrears in his child support payments....

The second tidbit, and this bothers me on so many levels, is that this past week was the first time he has ever had ML for an extended time... but he didn't take one day off work. He also sent her to someones house for a sleep over one night...

It makes me sad.

Second Last Day

This is going to be a tough week.

ML is with her Father for the week. I want to write "if you can believe" but it feels so unnecessary. The Ex didn't take this week off work. So ML is there, and hanging out with The Ex's Girlfriend and ML's sister. I am sure she will have fun, I am sure she will love hanging out with her baby sister... It probably is a good thing she is gone this week, as I am so upset about this whole job ending ridiculousness. This is the first time she has been gone for this long. The longest before was 3 nights over Christmas. Friends keep telling me "try to enjoy it". I want to scream at them, "I don't want to"!!! OK I am a little irrational these days...

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this, but until tomorrow, I work for the family business. LAID OFF is a nice way of saying pushed out. I have found out that I have been stabbed in the back by fellow workers who I thought were friends (one person even had us to dinner and fun at their family farm!) and by both my sister and brother-in-law. So now it feels like my family is being torn apart, my daughter is away and add a bit of looking for a job stress.

The silver lining in all this, (it's a good sign that I can still see this right?) is that I have had a few interviews already, and job prospects look good, and if I can get a job quick enough, my severance will be used to pay for NK's adoption.

A New Book for ME to read

This book was mentioned on one of the adoption boards I am a member of , and it sounds like just what I need to read. I hope it has some good advice and coping strategies etc. It is not in any store in my city that I can find, but I did find it on eBay... so here's hoping I win the auction!!

The title of the first chapter is "what did I ever see in my ex" which should be a good one, as well as other chapters with ideas how to cooperate and to figure out what the problem is. I have High hopes, but I know that in the end the Jerk or THE EX has to want to communicate and solve the problems...

I will post a review once I have read it.

A Record For ML

This blog of mine is turning into a journal of sorts to give ML. I didn't start this for her, but now it feels like this will be for her. For her when she is 12 and thinks that her Mother is crazy and knows nothing, when she is tempted to live with her father. Also for when she is older so she will know her story.

ML's father has not seen her since the end of May, he cancelled his last weekend visit to go out of town, where I have no idea. As I posted, didn't show up on Father's day. There is never even a phone call between visits.

This is his weekend, the first time he has seen his daughter in almost a month. He was 15 minutes late to pick her up. When ML realized that he was here, finally, she ran and grabbed her Father's day gift, excitedly put on her shoes, forgot her overnight bag and ran out of the house and down the driveway. She was so excited to finally give him his gift... you could feel her excitement, and the smile on her face couldn't have been bigger.

She gave him her masterpiece, "look what I made you!" she yells. "Whats this? oh" is his reply and then he puts it in the van. He didn't say thank you. He didn't say how wonderful it is. He didn't even say HI to his daughter. He just put her in the van, all the while she is trying to get his attention " right papa? papa did you hear me"

I asked him to please tell me when he is taking her this summer, as he has her for 2 weeks. He doesn't answer. I asked again, really nicely. "Please The Ex, I need to make arrangements for this summer...." No response. I asked him to just email me the dates. No response, just gets in the van, shuts the doors and drives off.

It is June 20th and he refuses to tell me when he is taking her for his share of the summer vacation. I have asked him since March, as that was when the first summer camps and activities started accepting registrations. ML told me that they are planning a trip to Quebec, and he wont tell me when they are going.

I hope that she sees him for who he is one day. I hope that by that time he hasn't hurt her too much.

Everyone says he can't do this, he can't be this unreasonable... He is. And there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it.

I am just so scared that he will take her to Quebec and not bring her back.

A Father's Day missed

I briefly mentioned this here.

ML was to spend Father's day with her Father. He didn't show. He didn't call. No email. Still as of this writing no contact has been made.

The part I don't get is that he INSISTED during our court proceedings that he have her for Father's day. Wanted it written into the agreement that she is to spend the day with him regardless of whether it is his weekend or not.

ML made a really cute, hand plaster cast to give THE EX for Father's day. Decorated it, wrote "I LOVE DAD" on it and was so excited to give it to him. Spoke about it for the entire week.

She sat on the stairs, with her gift for over an hour, waiting for him to arrive. At 9:45 we left the house, as I had a Father's day brunch to attend for my father. Called the restaurant asked if it was possible to add one more seat for ML. She didn't want to get in the car. She kept saying "Mom we cant leave, my dad is supposed to come get me!!"

It was a Father's day buffet brunch, and at one point ML was sitting at the table with just my sister. ML told her that she was supposed to be with her dad, but he must have slept in... My sister didn't tell me this until this morning. A four year old making up an excuse for her father's absence. She came up with this all on her own. When she asked why he didnt come get her, all I could say is "I don't know sweetheart, I don't know".

The Other Child

I don't want this blog to just be a bitch fest for me about THE EX, but I need to write about it.

The past week there needed to be some tweaking of the parenting time as a result of Mother's day as per our agreement. I sent an email informing him I would pick ML up on Sunday morning since I have a family event in his city anyways... he responded with "I want my 2 days therefor I want her Thursday night until Saturday night". I said no, sorry that doesn't work. She has soccer that I coach, so we will not be home to facilitate the pick up and she has preschool on Friday that she loves. Plus I don't want to start the precedent that it is OK to pull her out of school for 'parenting time'.

Apparently he was very unhappy with this arrangement, but as I have mentioned here before, he doesn't communicate regularly with me, and he didn't respond. I had no idea if he was still coming Thursday, if he as bringing her back Saturday ... etc. So when he showed up on Friday to pick ML up, I asked him if the plan was as I mentioned, the Sunday morning pick up by me, and he responds with "I'm not speaking to you". I said OK, just tell me yes OR no. Silence. He put ML in the car, locked the doors rolled up the windows and drove off. So I called him, he put me on ignore.

So I called his girlfriend, apologized for putting her in a spot, and asked her.

I showed up Sunday Morning, picked up ML and took her to my car. When putting her in her seat, I noticed that she had a bad rash, looked like the measles (she has been vaccinated) but I was worried, so I called him. I asked him if he saw the rash, did he just wash her face with soap, maybe that is the offender... he says "she didn't get it from my house". I say "THE EX we have been out of your house for 90 seconds..." he says "didn't happen here" and hangs up.

My mother says that I shouldn't tell people about the way he behaves, as it makes me look bad. Maybe, but if I don't tell someone, I will explode. When he behaves this way I wonder how the Hell were we ever together? How the Hell does he have another girlfriend and family?

He is a Child. I am guessing about 7 years old.

F@#$&*(@K

How do you deal with an EX who refuses to be civil? Rational? Polite?

My family says that I shouldn't let ML's father get to me, and OH I TRY!! But his behavior is SOOOO OBNOXIOUS!!

When he arrives to pick up ML for her weekend visit with him, he doesn't even say hello. ML had a medical issue this past week that I needed to discuss with him and he doesn't respond. Doesn't ask if she is OK. Doesn't ask what has to happen next. I ask him did you hear me? Do you understand? And he says yes _____(insert swear word)_____! I then ask him to not swear at me in front of ML, and he laughs.

They leave, and I realize that ML has forgotten to take her medicine. She has epilepsy, and it is imperative that she has it. SO I call him to let him know, and to tell him if he wants to turn around (they are maybe 2 minutes away) I have it all measured out etc... he just hangs up. No response at all so I have no idea if they are coming back. Of course he could pull over and give her the medicine in the car... He does come back but again he utters no words.

When ML comes home on Sunday she tells me that she us hungry as she hasn't had supper. I think, odd, as the agreement is that since she is dropped off at 7pm she is to eat before hand. So I call to see if this is true. It is. I ask him to please make sure she eats as it is too close to bed time, I have nothing prepared etc...

He then goes into a tirade about how she will need braces because I allow her to suck her fingers still. He claims that she doesn't at his house. Anyone who has had a child who sucks their thumb or fingers should know that making this demand doesn't work. My sisters (sorry guys!!) both sucked their fingers well into elementary school and no amounts of threats or rewards offered made them stop until they were ready. Out of the three of us, the one that sucked her thumb for the longest is the only one of us who didn't need braces.

Of course want her to stop. I have offered a rewards, tried to talk about it, tell her I don't want other kids to tease her at school... Still hasn't made her stop. I try to explain to THE EX that I never sucked my thumb, fingers, had no soother past 9 months of age, and my teeth were so crooked that I started orthodontics at age 8. So there is a pretty good chance ML will follow suit. I hope not, but am prepared.

He then, of course, curses at me. I ask him not to.

Just to clarify, I love to swear. However I don't swear at people. I think it shows no respect. But when you stub your toe... "dang it" just doesn't cut it for me! "

"Listen we have to deal with each other for next 15 years, so can't we just be civil and stop the swearing" is what I ask of THE EX, and he says that he will not be told what to do by anyone and that he hasn't dealt with me for the last 3 months and it has been wonderful.

You want to know how old he is don't you. Sounds like a spoilt teenager right?

All I have to say at the moment is F&&(*))(&&^%$#%*&^(*&()*&) AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

What the Tolerance Post was about

(warning this is a long post)
When I wrote the post about teaching my daughter tolerance, I didn't specifically say what it was I was referring to.

Here is a bit of background info.

I was raised a Roman Catholic, went to Catholic school had my first communion, reconciliation and confirmation done through the school system and had mandatory religion classes.

When my daughter was born, I wanted to have her baptized Catholic, so she could also go to Catholic school and have the sacrements, and it was really important to my mom. When my mom was growing up, their family was the only Catholic family in a protestant town, and they were harassed and teased about this, especially since her family had 12 kids, she didn't want my sisters and me to ever go through that.

To have my daughter baptized, the church requires that both parents sign the consent form. My Ex and I split when my daughter was 6 weeks old, and I left the province we were living in. Before I left, he signed the papers. She was baptized when she was 5 months old, it was a big family celebration. She is registered to start kindergarten in a Catholic school in the fall. The dayhome that my daughter attends is run by a wonderful family from El Salvador, they are Catholic as well, and there are discussions about God during the day.

Now why is this important?

As this post states, my daughter came home and told me that her father told her "God is dead. Smart people know this, not smart people think God is alive and real". Now these are my four year old's words, I don't know exactly what was said. I have asked him many times to tell me what he said, but he refuses to speak to me. Since my daughter's birth, The Ex has decided that he is an atheist, and is not happy that ML attends church.

This teaching a child to hate, based on religion. My ex is telling my daughter anyone that is not an atheist is "not smart". As you can imagine, this distresses me a great deal. Not only becasue this hurt her, she might start to look at people who think or pray differently than her and think that they are "not smart". It is not acceptable for any parent to teach a child that someone else's beliefs or ideas make them " not smart".

What runs through my mind is all the genocides, the horrible hate crimes, what things were said in the homes of those who perpetrated these crimes. Hate begets hate. Whether it is about religion or the color of one's skin, differences should be celebrated not looked down upon. That is what I am trying to teach my daughter, and it is so hard when it feels like you have to "compete" with another parent that is teaching the opposite.

Why I Dissappeared From the Blogosphere..

What did happen to me from the time of my last post in 2007 (October) until I reappeared in 2008 (February) ?

The reason was that I was in a wicked (understatement) court battle with ML's father. It concerned parental time, access, guardianship and child support. I not only had nothing positive to say, I was afraid that what I wrote on my blog could come back to haunt me. I do blog anonymously, however, I assume if anyone really wanted to find out who I am in real life (IRL), they certainly could. The last thing I wanted was something that I wrote here to be admissible in court.

I may have been over cautious or paranoid, but up until my last court date, I was just not willing to take the risk.

Now that it is mostly over, I again feel free to write my real feelings, although they are still veiled in anonymity.

Teaching Tolerance

Oh the things you need to talk to four year old's about...


It started at Christmas when ML noticed that not everyone went as crazy as we do with the decorations and lights. She asks "Why" about everything! We discussed that not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone likes putting lights on their houses, and unfortunately some people can't afford it etc. etc. But that it was OK that people didn't. That There are lots of things people do that we don't participate in, and that makes learning about other people and ideas fun.


These Questions were mostly forgotten once the Christmas season was over, but teaching tolerance to my daughter became very important recently.


Unfortunately, I have had a child with someone who no longer believes in tolerance, (and he is mad at me, another post) and has told my daughter that smart people know "something" and not smart people don't. (I will discuss what this "something" in a later post, it is not about race, it is about religious beliefs, and I think it deserves its own post). So I had to go back to our discussion about Christmas with ML.

I know how to teach adults tolerance. However, I am having a really hard time with this conversation with a 4 year old. I know I can say the same things over and over until she is old enough to understand, but I am afraid that she will go to school in September and say what she has heard and this will either either hurt another child, or me receiving a phone call from the school. I find the words and examples I want to use are hard for her to understand


I have purchased a few books to read to ML, (and if anyone knows of more good ones, please let me know...) One of them so that she knows that it is OK that she has epilepsy, that it is OK to be different, the others I purchased in anticipating that another person would be joining our family, and most likely will not look like either me or ML.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.


All the Colors of the Earth by Sheila Hamanaka

We're Different, We're the Same by Bobbi Kates

Why am I Different by Norma Simon

Life got in the way

I said I would be back in October, and look it is already the end of February!! My only explanation is that life got in the way. Lame I know. I have had so many things I wanted to blog about, and I didn't. So I am back and I going to write here more regularly. I really missed expressing myself, and even if no one else reads... its all good. Besides, I still have a tonne of things I want to write about!!

Here is the Cole's notes version of what has happened in my life these last 4 months...

1) I have a nephew And a niece, so I am finally an Auntie!!
2) My grandmother passed away
3) ML has a half sister courtesy of her father (not THAT much happened in the last four months!! ha ha)
4) I went to court another 3 times and that is almost completed, and it worked out pretty well in my favour... ML now goes for full weekends to her father's, and he has to pay all his child support arrears and some of my lawyers fees! (Hee!!)

Court: Version 2.0

Wow has it really been that long since I last posted??

A lot has occurred in my life, and it has taken a while for it all to be processed.

At the end of August I was in court to finish reworking the parenting agreement. If you recall this was all initated by THE EX. THE EX did not show. I figure he forgot. Can you believe it? I had a feeling that would happen. No one to remind him and place a sticky note on the fridge I guess. After it became apparent that he was going to be a no-show, a court worker actually asked me if I had called to remind him!!! Yeah, apparently it should be my responsibility to remind a man, that started court proceedings to have more time to be a responsible parent, that he is due in court! My lawyer took one look at my face and said "Don't answer that!!"

Here is the Cliff's Notes version of Court, version 2.0. Court has been moved to the city where I live, much more convenient and hopefully less costly. THE EX has been court ordered to provide his financials, as he has yet to do that. He was initially ordered to do this way back in February. If he fails, he will be in contempt of court and could face jail time!! That is a bit scary! We are due in court again next month (stay tuned for version 3.0!!). I was really hoping that the judge would just make the interim agreement permanent and be done with it, but I guess he gets a few more chances to show up.

To update and sum a few things up, THE EX is still unemployed, refusing to pay support- because of the lack of funds directly relating to his lack of employment, but some how can afford to move this weekend, and the new baby is due in a month. Remember this post about a Bullet dodged?? Yeah, that just keeps becoming more and more apparent!

Revelations and a "Bullet Dodged"

As you may have noticed from some of my blog posts as of late, I am having a hard time with the single life. It all has been piling up on me, the court proceedings, the every second weekend visitation, and the fact that THE EX is having another child. All of this has been really hard to cope with as of late. But....

I hate to actually admit this, but I am beginning to really enjoy my kid-free weekends. I have been to grown up movies, gone out with friends, sometimes I just do NOTHING!! I have forgotten what it was like to be 'single'. Of course, me being me, writing that makes me feel so guilty!! But truly it has been good for my soul to have some down time. Lots of people told me that I would feel this way, and I didn't believe them, so now I take it back!! OK well some of it.

ML, on the other hand is still having a very tough time with the weekend visits to her father's. She seems to be fine when she comes home, but the going doesn't seem to be getting any easier, in fact this past birthday weekend was the worst in a long time.

Now to the 'Dodged bullet'. THE EX send me an instant message saying that he wont be able to give me the child support for August! Just want to remind everyone that ML turned 4 on the weekend and I have received child support for a total of 5 months of her life. This infuriates me, as I have started to become accustomed to his support. I knew that it would most likely not last, and I should have been prepared.

Lets talk percentage for a moment shall we, 5/48 = 10.416%. That is the amount of time he has financially supported his kid. Five months out of forty-eight he has been able to come up with the cash to help pay for her everyday needs.

Now why can't be pay? Oh because he quit his job!! He has a 4 year old and a baby due in October, and he is unemployed. He has caused me stress, and you better believe that there is stress in his house at the moment. He did the same to me when I was pregnant with ML, out of work for way to long and then quitting jobs before another was lined up.

This man who I have known for almost 7 years, will never change. you know the saying, a leopard can't change its spots... I realize that I am lucky to be away from that relationship, and sometimes just need little reminders.

It makes me sad that he hasn't been able to grow up. And, if you can actually believe I am typing this, I feel for his girlfriend. I know what she is going through. I am mad at previous self for putting up with that garbage for so long in the past, but like I said, it is a bullet I feel I have dodged and left behind. As lonely as the single life gets, I would take it over the stress and anguish of dealing with THE EX about these things that will never change.

Dumbfounded

I was having a reasonably amicable chat with ML's father, trying to plan ML's 4th birthday party. Her Birthday falls on HIS weekend, but he has acquiesced and allowed the party to be where we live and he will bring her to his place that evening. So I thought all was going well in the lives of 2 separated parents that up until a few months ago, couldn't stand the sight of one another. Then he informed me that he wont be attending the birthday party festivities, as he can't stand to be around my family. So I am torn on how to feel about this. Happy that it won't be an uncomfortable and awkward occasion for most involved, but sad a little for ML that her dad has chosen not to attend. Maybe she doesn't care at this point... and maybe this is a sign of things to come. I know if it was the other way around, there is no way you could keep me away from her party, but not everyone is like me, right?


So while discussing this, he throws into the conversation about how stressful it is to be having this second baby (it's a girl). Just for the record, my baby lust it no secret. I think everyone, including THE EX knows about my longing more more kids, so this gets my back up a bit. I ask why, and he goes on about how there are kids who are sick and dying everyday and that is stressful. So I ask, are you feeling guilty to be having a healthy child? Then he says that I just don't understand, as the girlfriend is a nurse and she sees kids die everyday.

He acts like he is the first person to ever think like this. The first prospective parent to ever be worried and stressed about the health of their child. I had to add, well where you were when ML was sick last summer? Granted, ML's medical issues are now pretty easy to deal with, she gets medicine twice a day for her epilepsy, and she has been seizure free for almost nine months (and of course I'm knocking on wood as I type this). However, he was never there for all the trips to the doctor, the ambulance rides and the hospital tests and visits when we were trying to find out what was wrong. When you are at the neurological department at the children's hospital and the doctor tells you she is looking for a brain tumor while she is examining your kid, it causes a bit of stress, and before that, a lot of sleepless nights.


OH, how I wanted to come through the phone and punch him!! How dare he complain about having another healthy girl.

To add insult to injury, he later phoned to try to talk to ML (she wont talk to her father on the phone) and then again starts to complain about how they have no money and it is so hard to raise a kid on one salary.... Honestly, I couldn't make this shit up! I again reminded him that I in fact do KNOW what that is like since I have only had child support for 4 months of ML's almost 4 years of life...

AARRGGGHHH!!!

Progress at the Soccer Field

I haven't mentioned that I am the soccer coach for ML's under 4 soccer team. It is truly hilarious, and a lot like herding cats. It has been so much fun, I hope to be able to do this for a few more years. I guess we will see how much ML likes soccer, and even more, how much she likes having me as her coach!!

This past weekend was the soccer mini fest and run-a-rama. Pure fun!! There was a too early soccer game ( 8:30am!!) then a skills competition (yes that right for 3 & 4 year olds) then a run around the soccer fields to raise money, all topped off with a hot dog and chips! Fun truly was had by all.

The progress comes from the fact that ML's father was in attendance. This weekend was his, and since she had this soccer extravaganza, I invited him to watch. Was he late? Yes. Did he miss the whole soccer game? Yes. Did we actually get along? Yes. This was hard. Especially when he missed her game, after he promised her he would be there to watch. I did it for ML. I did tell him not to make promises that he couldnt keep, and I hope he does take that to heart. Only time will tell.

So see, progress has been made. I spent 2 hours with ML and her father. We didnt fight.

Someone commented on what a lovely family we were.... that was hard. I just smiled and said "thanks".

MEDIATION aka HELL

Last night ML's father and I had mediation. It was awful. The mediator was supposed to be neutral, I beg to differ. He was a master on laying on the guilt and blame. He continually stated my daughter will hate me when she grows up, if I don't give in and let her father have the access he is asking for.

The Mediator asked me why I was so angry!! Oh I don't know, being taken to court and have mediation forced on you does that to a girl.

I have had some concerns about the time that my daughter spends with her father, and I am told that what my daughter says cannot be trusted, as 3 year olds lie. He then goes on to state that because of my anger (see above) she is behaving (i.e. lying), this way.

I was told it doesn't matter how many times her father comes and goes from her life, whenever he wants in, he is allowed. Any access he askes for, will be granted. This is what is in the best interest of the child. For me to think otherwise means that I am just selfish. It is my job to always let him back.

ML's father and I have 3 weeks to come to an agreement, basically, I have 3 weeks to agree to what he is asking for. The mediator does not want to see us again unless we have started to come up with an agreement.

The worst part of all this, is my family just says, "why are you so upset? You knew this was going to happen! Get over it, thousands of others have been in your shoes before, they don't think it is the end of the world."

Well right now it feels like the end of the world.

Communicating 101

Warning, this is a bit of a rant!!

Last night I attended part 1 of 4 of my "parenting" classes that ML's father put as a condition for our new parenting agreement. It would be an understatement to say this this has made me angry.

As the title states, this class is devoted to communication, with the child and the other parent. It is all great information, that I have heard many times, with all the proper phrasing of questions, getting to collaboration, blah blah f&^$ing blah. Yeah and the whole time all I can think of is "Oh I hate him!!" So yeah, not in much of a collaborative mood!!

They go over the affects on the child when there is conflict between parents, what some of the physiological and psychological signs and effect conflict has on a child. "Kids do better when both parents are involved."

Talk about putting on the guilt!!

I hate the assumption that 2 parents are better than one. I think I have done a damn good job in raising my daughter. I hate that after 3 years, because her father has now decided that being a dad sounds like a good idea, I have to bend to his whim. I made a life for ML and me. Now that life feels like part time. Being a full time, working mother, the time we get to "do things", is on the weekend. Now, every second weekend I send her to another city to see her father. He has a live-in girlfriend, so of course (sarcasm intended), their household is looked upon very favourably. The courts see their set up as more "ideal" than mine. Never mind that he didn't want the dad gig when ML was born, and that he didn't become a part of her life until she was almost 3. None of that matters, he does now, I can just move aside, and let the real parenting begin, you know the kind with two parents.

The worst part of the class last night, was when the instructor said, and I quote "you know, 13 year old girls need a father to develop their sense of self esteem". Yeah... because us mom's out there wouldn't have any ideas on teaching our girl's how to value themselves, and that a women's self esteem should not be dependant on a man, regardless of who that man is!! Yeah a mom would have no idea what a 13 year old girl is going through. It has been 20 some years since I was thirteen, but I know I remember!!

I am absolutely not saying that kids do not need their fathers. I have an amazing Dad. I know lots of amazing dads. I also know many men who will become amazing dads. I even hope to one day have a partner to share this parenting gig with.

But you know the whole single adoptive parent by choice (SAMBCs- hat tip Hazel) is looking better and better all the time. I do not think I could handle another EX!!

Of course she is pregnant.

Who is pregnant you may ask? Well the girlfriend of my daughter's father of course!!

I think someone is trying to test me and how much I can handle. This is the girl he cheated on me with, and every time we fight, throws in my face, that they will have all the kids they want while I will just wither and die as I am so old....

And no I do not want him back nor do I want to have another child with him. It is just the principle of the matter. I am all about fairness, and I KNOW that the world is not a fair place, I know that it is minor in the grand scheme of things... but it still stings. Is this Irony or just a really fun coincidence, that my daughter joyfully explains "guess what mommy!! (girlfriend) has a real baby in her tummy, and I am going to have a brother or a sister" after her visit this past weekend, on the day I become single AGAIN!! Karma thinks she is very funny apparently. Either that or she is setting me up for some really fantastic stuff.... I am a pisces and a dreamer so I work with that.

Yeah the break- up, it certainly was the oddest one of my life. We broke up over breakfast that he cooked, and then went to his church together. I cannot say that has ever happened before!!

Ok Karma and Fates... I am ready for what you are going to throw at me next.