Second Last Day

This is going to be a tough week.

ML is with her Father for the week. I want to write "if you can believe" but it feels so unnecessary. The Ex didn't take this week off work. So ML is there, and hanging out with The Ex's Girlfriend and ML's sister. I am sure she will have fun, I am sure she will love hanging out with her baby sister... It probably is a good thing she is gone this week, as I am so upset about this whole job ending ridiculousness. This is the first time she has been gone for this long. The longest before was 3 nights over Christmas. Friends keep telling me "try to enjoy it". I want to scream at them, "I don't want to"!!! OK I am a little irrational these days...

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this, but until tomorrow, I work for the family business. LAID OFF is a nice way of saying pushed out. I have found out that I have been stabbed in the back by fellow workers who I thought were friends (one person even had us to dinner and fun at their family farm!) and by both my sister and brother-in-law. So now it feels like my family is being torn apart, my daughter is away and add a bit of looking for a job stress.

The silver lining in all this, (it's a good sign that I can still see this right?) is that I have had a few interviews already, and job prospects look good, and if I can get a job quick enough, my severance will be used to pay for NK's adoption.

WORLD AIDS ORPHANS DAY

As stated in my adoption blog, I don't have anything profound to say about World AIDS Orphans Day, but want to recognize it.

There is a great blog post on Adoption Blogs by Sandra, that I think highlights the important stuff, so please go read what she wrote.

Copy Cat

I am a total and complete copy cat!!

I have done what so many others have done before me and started a second blog, that ONLY deals with my journey to adoption.

Also it gives me an excuse to put a picture of my old cat BUD.

What would you do?

Would you EVER disrupt an adoption?

I think anyone who is considering or pursuing an adoption, international or domestic, should ask themselves this BIG question. What would you do if the child you are presented with on "gotcha day" is not what you were expecting, i.e. is sicker than you thought or has more or a special need(s) than you were prepared to deal with.

I have recently found Soul Autopsy, a women who is now wrestling with the decisions that she was forced to make. I like to think that I have my answer, but you just don't know until you are faced with such a decision. I don't think anyone should judge her, as I agree with the whole "walk a mile in their shoes" thing.

What are you willing to take on? What do you think you can handle?

A year ago, if anyone asked if I would consider adopting a child with special needs, I would have said no, that is not something that I am prepared to deal with. Ask me now, I have a much different answer. Why? What changed my mind? My Daughter. In October 2006 she was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I was devastated. Epilepsy seemed like the end of the world for my little girl. Now that we deal with it every day, it is just a part of life. Dealing with ML's epilepsy shows me that I could handle more than I thought.

When considering adopting any child, it is important to figure out what you can or are willing to take on, and knowing your limits is obviously extremely important. I just think that the special needs door should be left open, even a little, because you just never know what life will throw at you, and you never know just what you can handle.

Movie review - "Meet the Robinson's"

I wanted to give my 2 cents in regards to this movie that has so much talk going around the adoption circles, on message boards and other Blogs.

I took my daughter to this movie this past weekend, as I wanted to start a dialogue with her about adoption. I am feeling a lot more confident that adoption is the path I want to take. Well so much for my grand intentions... she slept through the ENTIRE movie. So I guess we will go again when it comes to the cheap theatre.

The best review that I have read, that I think sums up what I felt from the movie as well was written by Erin at transracial/transcultural adoption blogs. I think that is it a cute movie, that has a great theme, keep moving forward, don't hold onto the past. We could all use a little reminding of that. As well, I think that they did a great job of showing that the first mom loved her son.

Of course it is a Disney movie, so it had to have a bad guy, characters were two dimensional etc. I think it has to be remembered that this is a kid's movie, and a cartoon, and it mostly is for entertainment, and not out to change the world.

*photo from Yahoo! Movies

Signs, Signs, Everywhere are Signs...

In spite of all the babies that are being conceived around me, all I can seem to do lately is think about adoption. Can I really do it? What about attachment? What about ML? Is it fair to her, will I ruin all the special times we have together? Should I really wait until I have a partner? What if that never happens? (Feeling at the moment that it might never, yes pity party at my house). Can I really afford it? Can I handle the remarks that I know will come via my family?

I want ML to have a sibling(s). I do not know what I would do without my sisters, especially when my parents are driving me crazy. They are the only ones who truly understand. I want her to have that. I know as mentioned previously that she is being supplied with one via her father, but that is not the same. He has never been a constant in her life, and with the new baby coming, I am not sure that the visits will continue with any regularity.

So... Should I start the adoption process? Well in the last week there have been a few signs thrown in my face.

As I have mentioned before I read copious amounts of blogs. Most adoption related. And when I read about other families and their adoptions, it just seems so right, and they inspire me. Then I try to be realistic, and it all feels like it cannot happen. But in the last week I have "met" some awesome people through adoption blogs and message boards. It is so great to find others that feel the same as me. It gives me hope that I can do this, and that I am not crazy. It is these stories that I feel are the first sign that I can do this.

The second concerns a lottery ticket. I am not a lucky person. I was walking to the grocery store when I remembered that I had one, and that I should check it, and thought, if it has won anything, it is a sign that I should do this adoption thing. (It should be noted that in 1 year of buying, I have not won even a free ticket.) Well I won $2. Yeah, huge dent in financing the adoption!!

The third happens at a home party. For the first time I meet a family that has adopted from Haiti. I see this little girl, and all I can do is smile.

So of course I could be reading to much into everything, trying to convince myself to do it, looking for reasons to tell myself that I am not crazy. But maybe, someone is trying to tell me "go for it!"

So I feel I should explain...

Wow haven't posted for over 3 weeks and now I can't stop!!
Well I have had a lot of posts in my head... But never felt compelled to write them. Until now it seems...

Anyways, I feel like I should explain why I am drawn to infertility blogs when it appears that I am not in fact infertile at the moment. It all started when I went looking on g00gle for something to help me deal with the baby lust I have. You see I desperately want another child. A few even. And while there doesn't appear to me a medical reason to stop me, I am single and I don't want to have another baby by myself. So in my wonderings I found alittlepregnant. I read it from the beginning and cried and cried. That lead to the list and more crying.

A lot of the feeling shared by these bloggers I feel myself. I desperately want another baby. I am afraid that my daughter will be an only. And of course that is ok, she is more than enough, but I want her to have siblings, and I want more kids. Very few people I speak to about this in REAL LIFE get this. They all say, oh one is enough, you have ML... But every month my period comes and I think well no baby next August etc. I am not even in a relationship, and that makes me very sad as well. Crying festivals have been known to occur because of this.

Then there is the wonderful world of adoption. After reading adoption blogs, I feel so drawn to adoption , and know that I will add to my family through adoption, regardless of whether I have another biological child. I will admit I used to think that it was second best, but no more. I would start the adoption process right now this very second if I had the means to. And I know it is how my family will grow in the future

So now I am very "educated". I now feel like I can "talk" to K about her IVF twins without coming across as an asshole. I can also tell an acquaintance that it is not appropriate to ask if they are "natural". I feel like I knew how to listen to my dear friend S who has lost 3 babies and how not to say some assholish* thing... And I knew that my friend M who just went through a miscarriage most likely just needed to hear "I'm sorry, I'm here if/when you need me".

So there is my explanation. I am not sure if they ever expected this kind of audience, but if any of them ever read this, they will know that have helped me deal with a few of my feelings, and to know that even though the circumstances may be different, we feel very similar things, and thanks.