Confessions of a Former Single Mom

6th Aniversary of being a mom

2009-07-21T15:52:00.003-06:00

Today is ML's sixth birthday, thus my 6th anniversary of being a mom. ML has been six for days, she tells me, ever since we held her party, she decided that she is already six.

This Birthday is a hard one for me. ML is not with me to celebrate. She is in Montreal visiting her father. I hope for her sake that she is having a fantastic day, and that she is enjoying seeing her sister she has missed so much since they moved away.

It doesn't feel like her birthday with her not around.

Today is also the anniversary of her first seizure. It has been 3 years, and we think that she has epilepsy beat.

Happy Birthday Big Girl!!

Viva Las Vegas

2009-06-04T10:11:00.003-06:00

I am on the way to Vegas to celebrate my stagette with a few friends and my sisters. The weekend is to include spa-ing, shopping, gambling, shopping, drinking, shoe shopping... do you sense a theme?

It will be stagette of a lifetime!

To say I am excited is an understatement, and as my sisters have been making me say for the past couple of months VIVA LAS VEGAS!!

Its been almost a year...

2009-06-02T14:32:00.008-06:00

I disappeared again. I needed to.
I lost my job, took forever to find a new one. And when I did it felt like I was gone for too long to start again. But then again, I thought I have something to say, even if it is just to myself... so here goes the update.

I am engaged. That fact alone still blows my mind. If you have read this post on my adoption blog, you would know what started it. When you find out how much money someone donates to an orphanage in your name, just to prove to you that they get "it" well it melted my cold single mom heart. In lieu of party favours at the wedding, we will make a donation to this same orphanage in Harare Zimbabwe.

We are planning on visiting Zimbabwe in December 2010 to visit with PN's family and of course to see the Orphanage that rekindled the relationship.

So the Wedding date is August and in Banff/Canmore, and will be a small family affair and will ad hear to as many of my feminist sensibilities that PN and my family can handle.

As for the EX... he moved to Montreal. ML was devastated. Got called in to speak with her Kindergarten Teacher asking what happened as she was no longer the same little girl. This obviously broke my heart and it has taken months for her to become the same little girl. This also prevented me from blogging, as there was just too much hurt.

What has helped is PN. ML is a special girl who has 2 fathers. Her Father in Quebec and her Step Dad who lives with us. It has been a hard adjustment, but we are working through it. There have been temper tantrums and the expected who is the boss/parent in the house, but I can tell you that ML is happy. Everyone says so. Since PN has become a permanent fixture in her life, people have commented how happy she is. And she tells EVERYONE that she has 2 dads. In her language she calls The Ex her "real" dad and calls him papa and her step dad whom she calls Dad. The calling PN Dad was her idea... When she speaks of PN she just calls him Dad, and when someone refers to him as her Dad she just gets a little smile on her face and agrees with them.

To help with the bonding, we went on a trip to the Bahamas. This did wonders for us as a family. The time we spent together just playing on the beach and experiencing things was priceless.

So that is my life in a nutshell these last 11 months...

Oh and in 2 days I am going to Vegas with my sisters and friends for my stagette!!

Fifth Anniversary

2008-07-21T22:39:00.005-06:00

Five years ago today I became a mom.

It has truly been the best and hardest five years of my life.

The past week I was without ML as she was with her father for the first of her 2 weeks with him for summer visits.

So on the week approaching my 5 year anniversary of being a mom, I spent it alone. Friends telling me I should enjoy it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but it certainly wasn't something I enjoyed, and my house was way too quiet. I missed my Daughter. It didn't help that I didn't work for part of the week. The week alone, I got to experience my life as "child free". I prefer the child in my life. Even though it is infinitely harder and more work, it is just plain more fun!

I picked ML up Sunday night, and I asked about her visit. She told me many interesting tidbits. .

One of these tidbits was that when her father missed a weekend visit in June, as well as Fathers day, he was more than the "out of town" that he told me. He was in the UK with his sister. They decided to stay a bit longer so that is why he missed picking her up on Father's day. Funny that he claims poverty to the courts and he is $5000 in arrears in his child support payments....

The second tidbit, and this bothers me on so many levels, is that this past week was the first time he has ever had ML for an extended time... but he didn't take one day off work. He also sent her to someones house for a sleep over one night...

It makes me sad.

Second Last Day

2008-07-14T08:42:00.007-06:00

This is going to be a tough week.

ML is with her Father for the week. I want to write "if you can believe" but it feels so unnecessary. The Ex didn't take this week off work. So ML is there, and hanging out with The Ex's Girlfriend and ML's sister. I am sure she will have fun, I am sure she will love hanging out with her baby sister... It probably is a good thing she is gone this week, as I am so upset about this whole job ending ridiculousness. This is the first time she has been gone for this long. The longest before was 3 nights over Christmas. Friends keep telling me "try to enjoy it". I want to scream at them, "I don't want to"!!! OK I am a little irrational these days...

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this, but until tomorrow, I work for the family business. LAID OFF is a nice way of saying pushed out. I have found out that I have been stabbed in the back by fellow workers who I thought were friends (one person even had us to dinner and fun at their family farm!) and by both my sister and brother-in-law. So now it feels like my family is being torn apart, my daughter is away and add a bit of looking for a job stress.

The silver lining in all this, (it's a good sign that I can still see this right?) is that I have had a few interviews already, and job prospects look good, and if I can get a job quick enough, my severance will be used to pay for NK's adoption.

Unemployed

2008-07-07T15:13:00.004-06:00

On Friday I got to hear that I am laid off as of the 15th of July. I have a severance package so I will be fine. I am on the job hunt and it will soon be my full time job until I find something suitable.

Everyone keeps telling me everything happens for a reason. I know. It still sucks. It is still very stressful. I have never been unemployed. I have never been laid off.

I have cried and raged this weekend. I am getting to the end of that. The hardest thing was coming to work today to train someone to do my job.

Happy (Belated) Canada day!

2008-07-03T08:36:00.005-06:00

It has been a trying couple of days for us at Chez single mom.

First Monday night a friend, who I had just spent the day with on Saturday, was seriously hurt at work and we weren't sure that he was going to make it... things are looking up for him, but it will be a long road. If you know anything about trucking and winches... the winch flung back and hit him in the throat... he is lucky to be alive.

I took ML to the local Canada Day Celebrations to get my mind off of things, and we made not one but two separate trips to the medical tent. Once for sunscreen in the eyes (kids tear free no less) that took about 4 eye wash/flushing to get out. How she managed to getso much sunscreen in her eyes is beyond me....

Then as we waited in line for a hot dog ML leaned against the very hot BBQ and burnt her arm. It was at this point that I threw in the towel!! She was treated and we went HOME!!!

Hope your Canada Day was less stressful than ours!!

A New Book for ME to read

2008-06-27T10:09:00.010-06:00

This book was mentioned on one of the adoption boards I am a member of , and it sounds like just what I need to read. I hope it has some good advice and coping strategies etc. It is not in any store in my city that I can find, but I did find it on eBay... so here's hoping I win the auction!!

The title of the first chapter is "what did I ever see in my ex" which should be a good one, as well as other chapters with ideas how to cooperate and to figure out what the problem is. I have High hopes, but I know that in the end the Jerk or THE EX has to want to communicate and solve the problems...

I will post a review once I have read it.

HPV Vaccine and Some Bishops

2008-06-24T08:40:00.005-06:00

The HPV Vaccine is in the news again. This time in my province. Here is the article if want to read it.

I have ranted and raved about this before on here. Why do (in this case) old men think that by providing a vaccine to protect women against 70% of cervical cancers will lead girls and young women to run into the streets looking for anyone to screw? At 13? What year is this again? I guess women can do all kinds of things, but to actually be educated about a vaccine? Apparently this is beyond us. These Bishops believe that no matter what we teach our girls they will only hear "Yay!! I can have unsafe or unprotected sex with anyone and all because I had this vaccine when I was 13...what was that for again?"

Why is it with all the talk about abstinence that the teenage pregnancy rate in the USA is on the rise. "National data showing a 3% rise in teen pregnancies in 2006—the first increase in 15 years...

Maybe we could use this as a reason why there are 17 girls pregnant at this school...

Or maybe it is these Bishops who can't seem to be educated...

A Record For ML

2008-06-20T23:41:00.002-06:00

This blog of mine is turning into a journal of sorts to give ML. I didn't start this for her, but now it feels like this will be for her. For her when she is 12 and thinks that her Mother is crazy and knows nothing, when she is tempted to live with her father. Also for when she is older so she will know her story.

ML's father has not seen her since the end of May, he cancelled his last weekend visit to go out of town, where I have no idea. As I posted, didn't show up on Father's day. There is never even a phone call between visits.

This is his weekend, the first time he has seen his daughter in almost a month. He was 15 minutes late to pick her up. When ML realized that he was here, finally, she ran and grabbed her Father's day gift, excitedly put on her shoes, forgot her overnight bag and ran out of the house and down the driveway. She was so excited to finally give him his gift... you could feel her excitement, and the smile on her face couldn't have been bigger.

She gave him her masterpiece, "look what I made you!" she yells. "Whats this? oh" is his reply and then he puts it in the van. He didn't say thank you. He didn't say how wonderful it is. He didn't even say HI to his daughter. He just put her in the van, all the while she is trying to get his attention " right papa? papa did you hear me"

I asked him to please tell me when he is taking her this summer, as he has her for 2 weeks. He doesn't answer. I asked again, really nicely. "Please The Ex, I need to make arrangements for this summer...." No response. I asked him to just email me the dates. No response, just gets in the van, shuts the doors and drives off.

It is June 20th and he refuses to tell me when he is taking her for his share of the summer vacation. I have asked him since March, as that was when the first summer camps and activities started accepting registrations. ML told me that they are planning a trip to Quebec, and he wont tell me when they are going.

I hope that she sees him for who he is one day. I hope that by that time he hasn't hurt her too much.

Everyone says he can't do this, he can't be this unreasonable... He is. And there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it.

I am just so scared that he will take her to Quebec and not bring her back.

A Father's Day missed

2008-06-16T14:47:00.006-06:00

I briefly mentioned this here.

ML was to spend Father's day with her Father. He didn't show. He didn't call. No email. Still as of this writing no contact has been made.

The part I don't get is that he INSISTED during our court proceedings that he have her for Father's day. Wanted it written into the agreement that she is to spend the day with him regardless of whether it is his weekend or not.

ML made a really cute, hand plaster cast to give THE EX for Father's day. Decorated it, wrote "I LOVE DAD" on it and was so excited to give it to him. Spoke about it for the entire week.

She sat on the stairs, with her gift for over an hour, waiting for him to arrive. At 9:45 we left the house, as I had a Father's day brunch to attend for my father. Called the restaurant asked if it was possible to add one more seat for ML. She didn't want to get in the car. She kept saying "Mom we cant leave, my dad is supposed to come get me!!"

It was a Father's day buffet brunch, and at one point ML was sitting at the table with just my sister. ML told her that she was supposed to be with her dad, but he must have slept in... My sister didn't tell me this until this morning. A four year old making up an excuse for her father's absence. She came up with this all on her own. When she asked why he didnt come get her, all I could say is "I don't know sweetheart, I don't know".

Oh no!! What am I to do??

2008-06-12T11:05:00.002-06:00

-1

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

As a 1930s husband, I am
Average

Take the test!

That State of being Single

2008-05-29T09:02:00.007-06:00

With the Sex and the City movie opening this weekend, and ML's father being the world's biggest jerk, among other random things, I have been thinking a lot about being single.

With the sex and the city link, I just wish I could meet as many fabulous men that the ladies seem to meet. Granted very few stay around, but really, there must be some of these men in Alberta? Right?

ML's Father being a jerk? Well I know that is news to the 3 of you who read this blog, but last weekend, I think he trumped himself. Truly. He screamed obscenities at me, with ML not a foot away from him. Why? Oh because I asked him not to swear at me and then had the Gaul to ask how he wanted to communicate about school. What does this have to do with being Single? It has to do with me being SO THANKFUL that he is not in my life EVERYDAY. And Knowing that being a single 35 year old woman is much better than being attached to the likes of him.

The other random things? One of them is I searched a on-line dating site and was appalled at the things men write. Like they are looking for "movie making partners" and the "sexually liberated with no strings"... in the relationship section!!! Which takes me back to the Question about there has to be some good men in Alberta right? OK then just lie to me OK?

The last thing is that little Urban Myth that says the more education a women has the less likely she is to be married and the less sex she has (I can't find a reference to it, But I KNOW I have read it before). Well guess who is starting to work on her master's degree again... Yup, that is right. Sister Tanya. Soon I guess I will be living like a nun.... but wait I guess I could just aspire to be like Samantha and contact those men looking for the movie making partner right?

Kindergarten Orientation

2008-05-23T10:32:00.004-06:00

Like I said here, I will be a blubbering mess when School starts in September

When they opened with the parents prayer, my eyes started to tear up! Listening to the speech therapist, principal and the kindergarten teachers made me so excited for ML for school to start!

When I saw the classroom with the little chairs and the room full of all their art work, made me start to cry...

I had a long chat with ML's teacher, told her about her Epilepsy, her Father. Especially the concerns I have around religion and her fathers thoughts about that. She thanks me for telling her, and said it gives her the summer to come up with great retorts if ML ever repeats what her Father tells her about God. I also mentioned my adoption plans and she was very excited for us, and will try to incorporate adoption and out country of choice into the curriculum. I told her I will keep her posted.

She showed us their printing books, artwork (she teaches them how to draw, and I think most are better than I am!) and the scrapbooks with all the pictures that she prepares, are priceless.

My little girl is going to school, and although I am so excited for her, it still makes me cry! She is not so little anymore!

Regrets?

2008-05-21T10:38:00.004-06:00

A blog that I check daily is Tertia's. I love her writing and her honesty. Plus it is fun to hear about life half way across the world in Cape Town South Africa.

On her blog she is asking:

"Looking back at last week, last month, last year, the last decade, the past lifetime, what is it that you wished you had done or not done that you would pass on as a piece of advice to others who might follow your path. About marriage, parenting, work, life in general. I am not talking about regrets; I am talking about opportunities to learn. "

Well there were two lessons in the comments so far that had me nodding in agreement.

The first, is a motto that I try to follow, much to the chagrin of my family. "Don't be too house proud, nobody ever died wishing they had a cleaner house. Get out and enjoy life". My family are people who (in my opinion) care too much about the state of their houses. My mom has even said to me that if I had a neater house she would visit more often. I told her that is sad. We have argued about that one a few times...

The second was written by Mel. Tertia's sister. Her blog is Here. It is an awesome comment and I wanted to share it here. I find myself, more often than I would like doing what she advises not to. I know I shouldn't. But it is hard, especially when I am surrounded by "happy" couples.

Mine is for single parents....Don't over compensate, enjoy every second of being a parent that doesn't have to take care of a significant other and never has someone second guess her decisions. Don't keep on thinking what you don't have because you won't see what you do have.Don't feel lucky someone is "willing" to be in your life and deal with your baggage, see it as such an honour for them that you are willing to allow them into your precious family and share in the life of your child. (Carina told me that and it changed my dating life) Be a parent 1st and a friend second.

This past weekend in Radium was awesome. So relaxing and so nice to be in the mountains. Even the family got along really well, so well in fact that it has been a long time that it was like that for us. There was a warning that a cougar was seen in the area ( no, not me!!) and lots of mountain goats and big horn sheep wandering around, was a real treat for ML and me.

However Sunday night, friends of my sisters stopped by and I was surrounded by "happy" couples. I had a bit of a pity party, wondering why not me? I know I know, lame, but it is hard sometimes. Now I know they might not really be "happy" and I know I don't want to settle, just sometimes.....

Anyways, the comment about single parents made me think, and to be thankful.

May Long Weekend YAY!!

2008-05-16T09:38:00.007-06:00

This is where I am going.

Be back on Tuesday!

Have a happy Long Weekend!!

First trip to the Dentist

2008-05-15T09:50:00.015-06:00

This week ML had her first trip to the Dentist. It went very well, they made sure she wasn't scared, had fun "counting" her teeth. No cavities. Yay!

He did say that she has a "tongue thrust" and that she could use some speech therapy to get her out of that habit. That is not something I have ever noticed, but am told they screen for speech issues in Kindergarten, so that will be done for me in the fall. Oh and he did say a little thing about Braces are pretty much a given in her future...

ML was very disappointed that she was not offered a new toothbrush... I didn't realize this until after we had left, was too busy listening to all the Dentist had to say and of course paying my share. Paying it seems will be something that is done a lot of in the future if this prediction of Braces is indeed true.

The Other Child

2008-05-13T15:18:00.007-06:00

I don't want this blog to just be a bitch fest for me about THE EX, but I need to write about it.

The past week there needed to be some tweaking of the parenting time as a result of Mother's day as per our agreement. I sent an email informing him I would pick ML up on Sunday morning since I have a family event in his city anyways... he responded with "I want my 2 days therefor I want her Thursday night until Saturday night". I said no, sorry that doesn't work. She has soccer that I coach, so we will not be home to facilitate the pick up and she has preschool on Friday that she loves. Plus I don't want to start the precedent that it is OK to pull her out of school for 'parenting time'.

Apparently he was very unhappy with this arrangement, but as I have mentioned here before, he doesn't communicate regularly with me, and he didn't respond. I had no idea if he was still coming Thursday, if he as bringing her back Saturday ... etc. So when he showed up on Friday to pick ML up, I asked him if the plan was as I mentioned, the Sunday morning pick up by me, and he responds with "I'm not speaking to you". I said OK, just tell me yes OR no. Silence. He put ML in the car, locked the doors rolled up the windows and drove off. So I called him, he put me on ignore.

So I called his girlfriend, apologized for putting her in a spot, and asked her.

I showed up Sunday Morning, picked up ML and took her to my car. When putting her in her seat, I noticed that she had a bad rash, looked like the measles (she has been vaccinated) but I was worried, so I called him. I asked him if he saw the rash, did he just wash her face with soap, maybe that is the offender... he says "she didn't get it from my house". I say "THE EX we have been out of your house for 90 seconds..." he says "didn't happen here" and hangs up.

My mother says that I shouldn't tell people about the way he behaves, as it makes me look bad. Maybe, but if I don't tell someone, I will explode. When he behaves this way I wonder how the Hell were we ever together? How the Hell does he have another girlfriend and family?

He is a Child. I am guessing about 7 years old.

Mothers Day

2008-05-11T20:26:00.016-06:00

I wanted to share the gifts that ML made me on this mothers day. I was lucky enough to get two presents from her.
One was done with Grandma. They picked out a flower and a planter and they planted it together... It will be going on my front step . The other is a precious piece of art that was created at her day home.

I am a lucky mom.

Special Guest Yet Again

2008-05-08T13:42:00.012-06:00

I again had the privilege of being the Special Guest at ML's preschool. This time it was for a field trip. The teacher planned a 4 km hike with the 3 & 4 year olds through a nature preserve. I figured she was crazy and I would end up carrying a few kids, but I figured I love to hike so I volunteered.

I just cannot say enough good things about this program. It gets kids so interested in their environment and nature. Many of the girls were very concerned that an ant would be stepped on, and a few tears where shed when in fact, this did happen. When a few of the kids would start shrieking because of the sight of a bug, others would remind them that they were food for the birds and then it would be all OK.

One of the funniest moments for me was when little boy came running up to be yelling " I just saw a Red Ant!!" like it was the most exciting thing he has ever seen, so I asked him if he likes red ants and he says "No! They bite 'member??"Like don't you know anything lady? ha ha

Walking along the paths, the teacher would point out a plant or shrub or moss and the kids would all yell its name. I think I even learned a few things!

The kids were a hoot (sorry pun intended I had too! And yes we even saw an owl and their nest!). When it was all done, driving home for lunch, ML was fast asleep in the car. Perfect. I will be taking her on this hike again!!

Question at Church

2008-05-05T09:44:00.011-06:00

On the weekendss that ML is with me, we take my mom to church. ML looks forward to going, as she loves attending the children's litergy, which invariably involves coloring a page about gospel reading of the day. This is something we have done (not faithfully mind you ) since ML was born. (It is every second weekend, as she doesn't attend with her father. He has now decided that he is an atheist. He tells ML such gems as "God is extinct like the Dinoaurs".)

In our church there is "The Great Crucifix". It is a beautiful piece of art, 6.5 m in height. If you are not familiar with Catholic symbolism, on a Catholic cross there is a depiction of Jesus nailed to the cross.

We usually sit on the side of the church, right next to the cross, as it is easy for ML to see me when she comes out of the Children's Litergy, if we sit elsewhere, she ends up wandeing the aisles of the church lost, looking for me.

So this all being let up to the question ML asked yesterday at church. She pointed to the cross and very loudly asked

"Mom who is that there?"

I think we have some work to do!

Toddler Couture

2008-04-29T11:05:00.004-06:00

You know the saying more money than brains?

Purising the internet today I found this article.

Ridiculous.

A Little Girl's Broken Heart

2008-04-28T12:12:00.004-06:00

ML had her heart broken for the first time this weekend. Broken by a group of girl's that excluded her.

I wasn't there, so I don't have an observer's unbiased picture of what went down. All ML could tell me is that these girls all had bikes (she doesn't have a bike at her father's) and she was playing with them, and then all of a sudden they all took off on their bikes and left her behind. Whether this slight and abandonment was intentional or not, or whether ML just didn't understand, the hurt she felt was real. ML is a sensitive soul, she comes by it honestly, and this broke her heart. It broke mine too.

The Ex told her that the kids were being mean, well this seemed to hurt her more as she really likes these girls and defended their actions even though it made her cry for hours after the fact.

I know that this will be the first of I am sure many times that she will cry because of the behavior of girls. Why are girls so mean at times? I remember all of the tears that I shed from similar hurts, and they seem to continue throughout our lives. The cliques and the exclusions, why even at her preschool there is a clique of girls that remind the other girls that they are not part of their best friends. They are FOUR!!

All I know how to do is remind her of all her good friends she has, and that if they are making her feel that way, then maybe she shouldn't play with them...

Anyone else with good ideas on dealing with the girl stuff?

World Malaria Day

2008-04-25T08:37:00.006-06:00

Today is World Malaria day. I have mentioned this on my adoption blog, but it really has nothing to do with adoption for me. It is a problem that is preventable and treatable. Just wanting to bring some attention to the issue.

I know that for me to live the life that I am meant to, it has to do with advocacy. Not just for the issues in the country I live, and the country I will adopt from. I know I am a bleeding heart. But I am figuring out that is my calling, To be a bleeding heart and to bring awareness to those who otherwise wouldn't.

This link from the Canadian Red Cross, and it explains and shows the problem better than I can write a blog post about it. Please check out the longish clip about net distribution in Sierra Leone.

Boom Dee Ada

2008-04-23T13:00:00.004-06:00

To go along with my nerdy television watching... this is just for fun. Tell me you can resist singing along! I won't believe you!!

Hat Tip Mr. Nice Guy

Things you see on TV and what they lead to

2008-04-22T15:51:00.006-06:00

Being my nerdy self, I was watching the Discovery channel last night, and a commercial comes on the TV... earth shattering right? Hardly, and I don't usually pay attention... but for some reason last night I didn't change the channel for this commercial, and I saw a friend I have barely scene since my university days, selling shampoo.

I think to myself... nah, can't be.... then I log onto my trusty facebook account, look for him, and see that he is now stationed in New York, so it is a possibility... then I start looking up more old friends from this time in my life, see what they are up to...

What this leads me to do is realize I need to make a change in my life. Realized I need to get back to being the girl I was back then, knowing that I was going to do something with my life that was out of the ordinary. Not that I was going to save the world or cure cancer, or even become famous. Just that I have always assumed that there was more for me in this life than the standard fare of husband, house, job and 2.5 kids.

I have for too long pushed that part of me to the fringes of my life. Last night seeing this friend going after a dream, and seeing so many others that I used to know doing the same, was a sort of wake up call. I need to make a change. It has been consuming my thoughts ever since.

I will keep you posted on what that is when I find it.

F@#$&*(@K

2008-04-14T14:17:00.009-06:00

How do you deal with an EX who refuses to be civil? Rational? Polite?

My family says that I shouldn't let ML's father get to me, and OH I TRY!! But his behavior is SOOOO OBNOXIOUS!!

When he arrives to pick up ML for her weekend visit with him, he doesn't even say hello. ML had a medical issue this past week that I needed to discuss with him and he doesn't respond. Doesn't ask if she is OK. Doesn't ask what has to happen next. I ask him did you hear me? Do you understand? And he says yes _____(insert swear word)_____! I then ask him to not swear at me in front of ML, and he laughs.

They leave, and I realize that ML has forgotten to take her medicine. She has epilepsy, and it is imperative that she has it. SO I call him to let him know, and to tell him if he wants to turn around (they are maybe 2 minutes away) I have it all measured out etc... he just hangs up. No response at all so I have no idea if they are coming back. Of course he could pull over and give her the medicine in the car... He does come back but again he utters no words.

When ML comes home on Sunday she tells me that she us hungry as she hasn't had supper. I think, odd, as the agreement is that since she is dropped off at 7pm she is to eat before hand. So I call to see if this is true. It is. I ask him to please make sure she eats as it is too close to bed time, I have nothing prepared etc...

He then goes into a tirade about how she will need braces because I allow her to suck her fingers still. He claims that she doesn't at his house. Anyone who has had a child who sucks their thumb or fingers should know that making this demand doesn't work. My sisters (sorry guys!!) both sucked their fingers well into elementary school and no amounts of threats or rewards offered made them stop until they were ready. Out of the three of us, the one that sucked her thumb for the longest is the only one of us who didn't need braces.

Of course want her to stop. I have offered a rewards, tried to talk about it, tell her I don't want other kids to tease her at school... Still hasn't made her stop. I try to explain to THE EX that I never sucked my thumb, fingers, had no soother past 9 months of age, and my teeth were so crooked that I started orthodontics at age 8. So there is a pretty good chance ML will follow suit. I hope not, but am prepared.

He then, of course, curses at me. I ask him not to.

Just to clarify, I love to swear. However I don't swear at people. I think it shows no respect. But when you stub your toe... "dang it" just doesn't cut it for me! "

"Listen we have to deal with each other for next 15 years, so can't we just be civil and stop the swearing" is what I ask of THE EX, and he says that he will not be told what to do by anyone and that he hasn't dealt with me for the last 3 months and it has been wonderful.

You want to know how old he is don't you. Sounds like a spoilt teenager right?

All I have to say at the moment is F&&(*))(&&^%$#%*&^(*&()*&) AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm not the only one...

2008-04-04T16:56:00.001-06:00

It seems I am not alone in my thoughts and opinions on the Horton Hears A Who Movie...

Special Guest

2008-04-04T15:50:00.004-06:00

I was the "special guest" and preschool this morning. ML has begged and begged for me to be the guest, so I finally relented, took the morning off work and arrived at preschool with the obligatory snack and juice. ML was so excited!! Today's theme was wolves! We made finger puppets, howlers ( paper rolls that we could howl into! hee) and went for a walk looking for good spots to build a den. Topped off, of course, with a game of 'what time is it Mr. Wolf?!'

It melted my heart that me, joining ML at preschool, would bring her so much joy. She asks that I do it again, I might surprise her with another appearance near the end of the preschool year. Oh it is days like this that I wish I was a stay at home mom. I would love to be able to spend more time volunteering with her school. But then again, I might not appreciate it as much, right?

In talking to the teacher, she told me that only a handful of the moms volunteer, and no dad's yet this year. Quite a few are not even interested in what the program entails and how their kids are doing. Makes me sad.

She also said they are having trouble filling the spots. You see, this program teaches kids about nature, ecology and their natural world around them. There are no ABC's taught here. Many parents are competitive and think that this program is flawed, as their kid will be behind when they reach kindergarten. So sad. Getting kids interested in science and their world around them is so important. As important as learning their ABC's.

Free Concert and Beer

2008-04-03T09:29:00.014-06:00

I never win anything. really, you can ask my mom!

However that has changed recently. I won tickets to see this Band in Calgary, and it included 4 buckets of beer!!

I had made arrangements for us to stay over, even had a sitter in the city for ML. I had asked for Friday morning off so we could take our time coming back home in time for preschool, where it is my turn to be the "special guest".

Am I going? Nope. ML woke up early this morning with the flu... the puke filled kind. This is when being a single parent is hard. If I had a partner, they would be staying home with the sick kid while I went out (feeling guilty the whole time, really!) and enjoyed some live tunes and to drink my share of the beer... but instead, I am staying home. This kind of sick is not the kind I can feel good about leaving with the grandparents.

The worst part of this, is I know where this "bug" came from... I had friends over, and one brought her sick daughter, who was kind enough to puke in my bathroom before they went home.

Hello Karma? Meet payback!

Movie Date

2008-04-01T11:39:00.006-06:00

Last Thursday I took ML on a movie date the the fancy new theatre in our city. She was going to spend the weekend with her father, so I thought a Thursday night outing would be a nice treat.

I took her to the new movie Horton Hears a Who, as I have heard lots of mom and kids say that it was very cute. Well the animation was very cute, but the story .... not so cute.

In this movie, it is said many times that the Who has 96 daughters and he schedules them to spend something like exactly 12 seconds with each, but he has 1 son. He dotes on him, even though he won't speak, won't participate in the family, telling him that he will take over the business... you see where this is going. The original Dr. Seuss story has none of this "plot line", just that there are lots of kids and the youngest/smallest saves the day. Well in the movie version, it isn't the youngest or the smallest, it is the only son.

Now maybe you think am over-reacting, reading too much into a children's cartoon, but I don't think so. Why couldn't the story just have been one of the kids, one of the sons? One of the daughters? Why the only son, who got all his dad's attention, and the only one who was being groomed to take over the family career?

Why must the movie industry only give girls 'princesses' or relegate them to bit players? Why do we still need to have story lines with the prodigal son who is the one to save the day? Where are the strong girl characters?

/rant

(I have soemthing to say related to adoption as well if you want more rantings of a single mom)

Single Mom Therapy

2008-03-28T14:35:00.005-06:00

No, not the kind you pay for by the hour.

Since I have gone through my court ordeal, I have had 2 close friends go through the court system with their ex's. One of the most cathartic things to do when you are going through that special kind of hell is have a ‘single mom therapy’ night. It is a way that you and your single mom friends get together and bitch and talk and strategize about life as a single mom.

Now this doesn't exclude to all the single moms by choice that are out there, they should certainly tag along. There will be tales of dating woes, babysitting concerns, when to call your lawyer talks, the ‘smarten up’ and maybe even a reality check. You will get all this and so much more really great single mom friends. They are there to help you from making the same mistakes they made, and to offer your own 'worldly' advice.

We have one of these nights about every couple of months, usually at my house. And oh is it therapeutic!! It also usually is a bit of a wine festival, but that is completely optional (hee!!) Oh and the laughs, can’t forget about that part, there is usually a lot of laughs, a few tears, but always more laughs.It makes you see that you are not alone. Talking to other moms that have the same issues as you makes your troubles seem manageable, even just for the night.

You may even find out that you are stronger than you thought. My friend told me that it was something that I said to her, at one of these evenings, that she is forever grateful for. She knew that she was going to be OK. It is good therapy for all involved. To help out a friend or two and to see just how far you have come.

More Drama at Chez Single Mom...

2008-03-26T12:48:00.010-06:00

It must seem that I have nothing but drama in my life. It isn't true, just in the past year I have had more than my share.

What is the drama this time? I was at the local RCMP detachment today filing a harassment complaint on an ex-boyfriend. I wasn't going to write about this, and haven't written about it on either of my blogs before. I know I have done nothing wrong. But I feel as though telling people this, they will think "why would you date a guy like this in the first place?" I almost feel embarrassed about telling people this. I also feel bad, guilty, worried about how this will make him feel. Why is that? I know that these feelings are not rational.

I have checked off the YES box to have Victim services contact me.

I had to visit 3 different places this morning for someone to finally take my statement, and the whole time I am trekking back and forth, I am thinking, this is why this stuff doesn't get reported. They don't make it easy. It took over 90 minutes to finally get to the right place.

This ex boyfriend of mine has been an ex for about a year. Somedays he calls incessantly, send cards and gifts. He tells me he loves me all the time. He would show up at my house with gifts for ML. The last straw was regarding a birthday present. He sent me a cheque for $222.00. He said was a lucky number and that I should either get my hair done or spoil ML. I didn't cash it, it had been sitting on my desk, waiting for me to get around to mailing it back.

Yesterday I picked up the mail, it had another card in it, and I thought, this is enough. It is annoying and I want it to stop. I send a very civil email, telling him I was sending the money back, I wish him the best, that we will never be together, to please move on etc.

It was his responses to my email that prompted me to go to the police. His first was a 3 page diatribe about nothing relevant to my email, making him sound very crazy, It spanned the topics of illegal drug use, Canadian and US politics and racism in Zimbabwe. The second email he sent was in regards to the cheque for $222.00 He said that he will be sending more money and it would entitle him to two visits with ML this month.

That scared me.

So now I wait. I was told in these cases usually all that is required is a call or a visit from the RCMP and this will make them leave you alone. I hope they are right.

Working vs Family Balance

2008-03-24T10:51:00.007-06:00

There is a lot of talk in the media and in parenting magazines about the balance that one needs, between their working life and their family life. It is a hard one to find, especially as a single mom.

I do the best I can, and when I have ML I spend 90% of my non- working time with her. Every second weekend she goes to her father's and I try to have that time as my time to go out and do as I please.

This long weekend meant ML and I spent 3 days together, seeing friends and family, and ML accompanied me the entire time. We went to get her hair cut, bought her tights to wear with her Easter dress (she is a shopper, when things are for her!!) went for a walk at a local park to see the geese that have recently arrived, made popcorn to watch hockey on TV (at her request). Then Easter morning so much excitement finding eggs and having the family over for Brunch.

Yesterday afternoon was spent with wonderful friends just hanging out in the back yard (in March!!) watching the kids play and run. I thought it was an awesome weekend of good mom and ML time...

However at bedtime last night ML says that she doesn't think I love her!! Then this morning she cried and cried en route to the day home saying that she didn't want to go to the day home (that she loves, and is loved at) but instead wanted to come to work with me. I asked why and she says " I never get to spend time with you!" (see above weekend description)

Now I know that ML knows that I love her. I tell her all the time. I will make an effort, obviously, to tell her more, as she seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment.

Is this ML still getting used to her weekends at her Fathers, and she wants more mom time, more like we used to have. Is it a phase? Is it because we have be talking about adding another kid to the family and ML feeling insecure of her place?

I am torn as to what to do. Do I need to work less hours in the day? Can I afford to? Will work allow it? What about working from home? Is this just a phase that will pass with time? Any suggestions?

Being a Single Mom and getting the balance right is not easy.

What the Tolerance Post was about

2008-03-12T21:13:00.006-06:00

(warning this is a long post)
When I wrote the post about teaching my daughter tolerance, I didn't specifically say what it was I was referring to.

Here is a bit of background info.

I was raised a Roman Catholic, went to Catholic school had my first communion, reconciliation and confirmation done through the school system and had mandatory religion classes.

When my daughter was born, I wanted to have her baptized Catholic, so she could also go to Catholic school and have the sacrements, and it was really important to my mom. When my mom was growing up, their family was the only Catholic family in a protestant town, and they were harassed and teased about this, especially since her family had 12 kids, she didn't want my sisters and me to ever go through that.

To have my daughter baptized, the church requires that both parents sign the consent form. My Ex and I split when my daughter was 6 weeks old, and I left the province we were living in. Before I left, he signed the papers. She was baptized when she was 5 months old, it was a big family celebration. She is registered to start kindergarten in a Catholic school in the fall. The dayhome that my daughter attends is run by a wonderful family from El Salvador, they are Catholic as well, and there are discussions about God during the day.

Now why is this important?

As this post states, my daughter came home and told me that her father told her "God is dead. Smart people know this, not smart people think God is alive and real". Now these are my four year old's words, I don't know exactly what was said. I have asked him many times to tell me what he said, but he refuses to speak to me. Since my daughter's birth, The Ex has decided that he is an atheist, and is not happy that ML attends church.

This teaching a child to hate, based on religion. My ex is telling my daughter anyone that is not an atheist is "not smart". As you can imagine, this distresses me a great deal. Not only becasue this hurt her, she might start to look at people who think or pray differently than her and think that they are "not smart". It is not acceptable for any parent to teach a child that someone else's beliefs or ideas make them " not smart".

What runs through my mind is all the genocides, the horrible hate crimes, what things were said in the homes of those who perpetrated these crimes. Hate begets hate. Whether it is about religion or the color of one's skin, differences should be celebrated not looked down upon. That is what I am trying to teach my daughter, and it is so hard when it feels like you have to "compete" with another parent that is teaching the opposite.

Mutiny at Chez Single Mom

2008-03-11T10:17:00.010-06:00

I want to write about the tolerance post, and will get to it, however, there seems to be a mutiny occurring at my house!!

It concerns a 4 year old, lets call her ML, and she is refusing to get dressed in the morning. In fact it is getting to be so bad that I have been late for work twice this week... and yes it is Tuesday!!

Now I have heard most of the "tricks" with kids and their choice of clothes. We have tried picking the outfit out the night before, letting ML pick from a pile of approved (read appropriate for the weather) clothes, talking about what we will be wearing all before hand etc. etc. Well lately NOTHING is working!

Now I know this is common for the age, I have friends with kids who refuse to wear anything but jeans, or certian super heroes t-shirts, but ML is not so specific. In fact what is acceptable to her seems to change on a daily basis. Yesterday there was a meltdown because there was no LONG SLEEVED shirt that she could wear ( it was +16 here yesterday) and she said she would be too hot with a sweater on. So last night, I put a load of laundry in, that included a few LONG SLEEVED shirts, and this morning... meltdown as there was no T-SHIRT she could wear!!!

Does anyone else know of any other 'tricks' that either they heard worked or has worked for them????

Thirty-Five

2008-03-10T10:39:00.005-06:00

I don't feel old enough to have this number attached to me. I never have had a problem with getting older, but this year it is hard.

I am one of those people who LOVES their birthday. My family even teases me about this, but this year, turning 35 has brought tears to my eyes more than a few times. I think it is because my life doesn't look like I thought it would. I always assumed that at 35 I would have a house full of kids, a partner in life, and be changing the world with my fabulousness (smile).

I know I am not the first to not have life turning out the way I had planned, and I know only I can change this, but today it still hurts.

So today I am having a pity part, all are welcome, (BYOB!!) and tomorrow I should be back to finding how my fabulousness will be changing the world!

International Women's Day

2008-03-07T18:40:00.006-07:00

March 8th is International Women's Day

Violence against women is an issue that cannot wait. At least one out of every three women is likely to be beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime. No country, no culture, no woman young or old is immune to this scourge.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon

Why I Dissappeared From the Blogosphere..

2008-03-05T15:42:00.004-07:00

What did happen to me from the time of my last post in 2007 (October) until I reappeared in 2008 (February) ?

The reason was that I was in a wicked (understatement) court battle with ML's father. It concerned parental time, access, guardianship and child support. I not only had nothing positive to say, I was afraid that what I wrote on my blog could come back to haunt me. I do blog anonymously, however, I assume if anyone really wanted to find out who I am in real life (IRL), they certainly could. The last thing I wanted was something that I wrote here to be admissible in court.

I may have been over cautious or paranoid, but up until my last court date, I was just not willing to take the risk.

Now that it is mostly over, I again feel free to write my real feelings, although they are still veiled in anonymity.

Teaching Tolerance

2008-02-29T09:44:00.003-07:00

Oh the things you need to talk to four year old's about...

It started at Christmas when ML noticed that not everyone went as crazy as we do with the decorations and lights. She asks "Why" about everything! We discussed that not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone likes putting lights on their houses, and unfortunately some people can't afford it etc. etc. But that it was OK that people didn't. That There are lots of things people do that we don't participate in, and that makes learning about other people and ideas fun.

These Questions were mostly forgotten once the Christmas season was over, but teaching tolerance to my daughter became very important recently.

Unfortunately, I have had a child with someone who no longer believes in tolerance, (and he is mad at me, another post) and has told my daughter that smart people know "something" and not smart people don't. (I will discuss what this "something" in a later post, it is not about race, it is about religious beliefs, and I think it deserves its own post). So I had to go back to our discussion about Christmas with ML.

I know how to teach adults tolerance. However, I am having a really hard time with this conversation with a 4 year old. I know I can say the same things over and over until she is old enough to understand, but I am afraid that she will go to school in September and say what she has heard and this will either either hurt another child, or me receiving a phone call from the school. I find the words and examples I want to use are hard for her to understand

I have purchased a few books to read to ML, (and if anyone knows of more good ones, please let me know...) One of them so that she knows that it is OK that she has epilepsy, that it is OK to be different, the others I purchased in anticipating that another person would be joining our family, and most likely will not look like either me or ML.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.

All the Colors of the Earth by Sheila Hamanaka

We're Different, We're the Same by Bobbi Kates

Why am I Different by Norma Simon

Life got in the way

2008-02-28T10:11:00.009-07:00

I said I would be back in October, and look it is already the end of February!! My only explanation is that life got in the way. Lame I know. I have had so many things I wanted to blog about, and I didn't. So I am back and I going to write here more regularly. I really missed expressing myself, and even if no one else reads... its all good. Besides, I still have a tonne of things I want to write about!!

Here is the Cole's notes version of what has happened in my life these last 4 months...

1) I have a nephew And a niece, so I am finally an Auntie!!
2) My grandmother passed away
3) ML has a half sister courtesy of her father (not THAT much happened in the last four months!! ha ha)
4) I went to court another 3 times and that is almost completed, and it worked out pretty well in my favour... ML now goes for full weekends to her father's, and he has to pay all his child support arrears and some of my lawyers fees! (Hee!!)

Stay Tuned...

2007-10-12T11:13:00.000-06:00

OK I know I am really bad at the regular posting thing lately, a lot has been going on in the life of this single mom, death in the family, births and work...

I will get back to posting on a regular basis, goddess knows I need to...

But while I am working away on a great thought provoking post... read this little tidbit I found on salon.com.... and discuss....

I know I have a tonne to say.... soon

Court: Version 2.0

2007-09-11T15:26:00.000-06:00

Wow has it really been that long since I last posted??

A lot has occurred in my life, and it has taken a while for it all to be processed.

At the end of August I was in court to finish reworking the parenting agreement. If you recall this was all initated by THE EX. THE EX did not show. I figure he forgot. Can you believe it? I had a feeling that would happen. No one to remind him and place a sticky note on the fridge I guess. After it became apparent that he was going to be a no-show, a court worker actually asked me if I had called to remind him!!! Yeah, apparently it should be my responsibility to remind a man, that started court proceedings to have more time to be a responsible parent, that he is due in court! My lawyer took one look at my face and said "Don't answer that!!"

Here is the Cliff's Notes version of Court, version 2.0. Court has been moved to the city where I live, much more convenient and hopefully less costly. THE EX has been court ordered to provide his financials, as he has yet to do that. He was initially ordered to do this way back in February. If he fails, he will be in contempt of court and could face jail time!! That is a bit scary! We are due in court again next month (stay tuned for version 3.0!!). I was really hoping that the judge would just make the interim agreement permanent and be done with it, but I guess he gets a few more chances to show up.

To update and sum a few things up, THE EX is still unemployed, refusing to pay support- because of the lack of funds directly relating to his lack of employment, but some how can afford to move this weekend, and the new baby is due in a month. Remember this post about a Bullet dodged?? Yeah, that just keeps becoming more and more apparent!

"Prize" Boyfriend

2007-08-14T09:10:00.000-06:00

I just came across this article, and just had to comment.

"Zoo Weekly has urged men to submit photographs of their girl's cleavage so that readers can vote online for which woman most deserves 10,000 dollars (8,450 US) worth of plastic surgery to improve her chest."

Can you imagine if you found out your boyfriend submitted a picture??

"It's impossible to think of a more romantic gift than new breasts," magazine editor Paul Merrill said in a statement. "It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Seriously, if my boyfriend entered me in that contest, we would be done so fast!! It is one thing as a women to choose to have your boobs done, but another thing entirely to have your boyfriend try to win you one because yours aren't perfect.

Or is it? I am sure there are some women out there that wouldn't be as offended as me, in fact maybe they would be grateful that their boyfriend would be so thoughtful...

All I can say is WOW. Sometimes I think there is a very good reason why I have been single for so long.

Gardasil - Rant Warning!!

2007-08-02T12:04:00.000-06:00

This article got me going today. It seems some "experts" are trying to imply that providing the Gardasil vaccine, young girls and women will have no control over themselves, will make them abandon all common sense and just start having unsafe sex. The wont understand what the vaccine will protect them from and what it wont.
Where as if they weren't given this needle, they would all remain chaste virgins until their wedding day.???? Well in Texas they think so. "Texas was about to become the first U.S. state to offer the vaccine but the order was overturned in May by the state legislature after social conservatives complained it would lead to sexual promiscuity."
AARRRGGGHHH!!!
I would love to know how educating and protecting our daughters by having access to this vaccine will some how "have unintended negative consequences for individuals and for society as a whole". Right.
The article goes on to say that grade 8 girls are too young to need the vaccine. Well if they want to vaccinate the majority of girls before they are sexually active, lets consider some facts should we? Let's take into consideration the following. (1) The legal age of consent in Canada is 14 (2) The average age that a women/girl has sex for the first time is 16.5 . (3) Girls are not encouraged to have their first pap test until after they have become sexually active... so wouldn't that be too late?
I want to know why there is nothing being done to "educate" the boys/ men? They are the ones that pass it on to the girls. Why is there no vaccine for them so that they cannot be carriers? Maybe it is impossible, but I doubt it.
What I cannot believe is that the article quotes Lippman saying "there is no urgency for a massive vaccination in Canada, where deaths from cervical cancer have been declining". Oh, so not enough women die of the disease to warrant a vaccine? I know more than a handful of friends who have had to have the precancerous cells removed. Maybe that isn't important enough.
My grandmother had cervical cancer. She is dieing of ovarian cancer.
I know that I will be taking my daughter to have the vaccine that may prevent her from contracting HPV, the virus that causes 70% of cervical cancer. I will discuss with her what the vaccine is meant to protect her from and what it doesn't. But not only that, I will be ensuring that there is a lot of frank discussions is our house, about Sex, so that there is no "misunderstandings". The best thing we can do for our kids is to talk to them, give them the facts.
Pretending that ML won't have sex if I don't give her this vaccine, don't talk to her about safe sex, is a disaster waiting to happen.

Armchair Traveler Reading Challenge

2007-08-01T10:14:00.000-06:00

A little late to the challenge, and like I NEED an excuse to read more....

Here are my Six choices

1) Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry

2) Scribbling The Cat by Alexandra Fuller

3) A Mighty Heart by Marianne Pearl

4) Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

5) Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

6) The Tiger Claw by Shauna Singh Baldwin

Revelations and a "Bullet Dodged"

2007-07-26T09:46:00.000-06:00

As you may have noticed from some of my blog posts as of late, I am having a hard time with the single life. It all has been piling up on me, the court proceedings, the every second weekend visitation, and the fact that THE EX is having another child. All of this has been really hard to cope with as of late. But....

I hate to actually admit this, but I am beginning to really enjoy my kid-free weekends. I have been to grown up movies, gone out with friends, sometimes I just do NOTHING!! I have forgotten what it was like to be 'single'. Of course, me being me, writing that makes me feel so guilty!! But truly it has been good for my soul to have some down time. Lots of people told me that I would feel this way, and I didn't believe them, so now I take it back!! OK well some of it.

ML, on the other hand is still having a very tough time with the weekend visits to her father's. She seems to be fine when she comes home, but the going doesn't seem to be getting any easier, in fact this past birthday weekend was the worst in a long time.

Now to the 'Dodged bullet'. THE EX send me an instant message saying that he wont be able to give me the child support for August! Just want to remind everyone that ML turned 4 on the weekend and I have received child support for a total of 5 months of her life. This infuriates me, as I have started to become accustomed to his support. I knew that it would most likely not last, and I should have been prepared.

Lets talk percentage for a moment shall we, 5/48 = 10.416%. That is the amount of time he has financially supported his kid. Five months out of forty-eight he has been able to come up with the cash to help pay for her everyday needs.

Now why can't be pay? Oh because he quit his job!! He has a 4 year old and a baby due in October, and he is unemployed. He has caused me stress, and you better believe that there is stress in his house at the moment. He did the same to me when I was pregnant with ML, out of work for way to long and then quitting jobs before another was lined up.

This man who I have known for almost 7 years, will never change. you know the saying, a leopard can't change its spots... I realize that I am lucky to be away from that relationship, and sometimes just need little reminders.

It makes me sad that he hasn't been able to grow up. And, if you can actually believe I am typing this, I feel for his girlfriend. I know what she is going through. I am mad at previous self for putting up with that garbage for so long in the past, but like I said, it is a bullet I feel I have dodged and left behind. As lonely as the single life gets, I would take it over the stress and anguish of dealing with THE EX about these things that will never change.

Approaching the Anniversary

2007-07-17T10:09:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, ML's Birthday, it will be 1 year since she has had her first seizure.

I never expected this 'anniversary' to really bother me. We have a diagnosis and the medication is working wonderfully, and I am no longer afraid of EPILEPSY, but this reminder is hard. Driving up to her day home after work yesterday, brought it all back. It was on her third birthday last year, that I saw the ambulance parked outside the day home, and all those horrible memories of seeing her lying on the ground with IVs and a oxygen mask, keep coming back. Last summer was a very difficult time, as I didn't know what was wrong with her, she didn't get the official, final diagnosis until late October.

I wish that this 'anniversary' was not on her birthday, as I don't have happy recollections of her 3rd birthday. It wasn't the the "Dora" party that I had envisioned and planned. Instead it was an ambulance ride and a stay in the hospital.

I just want this Saturday to be a truly Happy Birthday for my little girl.

My New Addiction

2007-07-16T14:28:00.000-06:00

FACEBOOK

I love it!! When I first signed on, I thought oh yeah, great a new way to compete to see how many "friends" we all have!! I wasn't convinced that this was going to be for me, and my friend encouraged me to sign up, as she said it cant hurt, maybe Mr Right knows a friend of a friend... (nice motivation hey?? see previous post!! ha ha)

So I joined, had a very small group of friends for quite a while. The funny thing was, that all these people I spoke to on a regular basis anyway so I was thinking, this is pointless!!
But then, my old work found me, had a whole group of ex-workers, even had reunions planned. Talk about strolling down memory lane, as this is where I met ML's father...

Then a dear friend from University found me. We met in 1993, and I last saw her in 2000. We when last saw each other, it was in a grocery store, short and sweet, promising we would catch up soon...Then I moved across the country and she got married, changed her name, and lost touch. I had looked for her but couldn't find her. I didn't know her married name. Well since we have found each other, we have been chatting non stop, and it was like we never lost touch. She now is divorced with a child, and we completely relate to one another, and laugh at all the stuff we got into 'back in the day'.

So many old friends have found me and vice versa, and whenever I start to feel lonely, this little phenomenon of our technological age helps. I know how it may seem to some, that you would need the computer to know you have friends. I was one of the skeptics! I can be very lonely being a single parent. When you put the kid to bed and the house is quiet, you can log into facebook, makes you realize you aren't alone, that there are friends out there. So if you have been skeptical about this facebook phenomenon, I recommend you try it, look up your old friends, it has been nothing but awesome for me, if not a little addictive!!

Pity Party, table for one...

2007-07-13T15:49:00.000-06:00

I have been really struggling with the "Single Life" as of late. And it all stems from that proposal I received, way back in March. You see, that gentleman again, has professed his love, and I have again, turned him down. I have always believed that I would never "settle". You know, get married or be in a relationship with someone just to avoid being alone. I never wanted to accept a man/husband/boyfriend just because he was the best I could do. I wanted to love and be loved. Gawd that sounds so cliché. Now the gentleman I refer to is a very kind man, but he is not for me. I do not love him. But I cannot stop thinking, I get why people settle. They are afraid that it is as good as it gets. I am now so afraid.

It doesn't help that I have been looking at online dating profiles again. I hate actually admitting that. The last two men I have dated I have found from online dating sites, and they were both good guys, not for me, but good guys. But honestly, it is hard to read what men are "looking" for, and if you are in the pity party state of mind, DON'T DO IT!! It just messes with your head!!

Dumbfounded

2007-07-11T10:13:00.000-06:00

I was having a reasonably amicable chat with ML's father, trying to plan ML's 4th birthday party. Her Birthday falls on HIS weekend, but he has acquiesced and allowed the party to be where we live and he will bring her to his place that evening. So I thought all was going well in the lives of 2 separated parents that up until a few months ago, couldn't stand the sight of one another. Then he informed me that he wont be attending the birthday party festivities, as he can't stand to be around my family. So I am torn on how to feel about this. Happy that it won't be an uncomfortable and awkward occasion for most involved, but sad a little for ML that her dad has chosen not to attend. Maybe she doesn't care at this point... and maybe this is a sign of things to come. I know if it was the other way around, there is no way you could keep me away from her party, but not everyone is like me, right?

So while discussing this, he throws into the conversation about how stressful it is to be having this second baby (it's a girl). Just for the record, my baby lust it no secret. I think everyone, including THE EX knows about my longing more more kids, so this gets my back up a bit. I ask why, and he goes on about how there are kids who are sick and dying everyday and that is stressful. So I ask, are you feeling guilty to be having a healthy child? Then he says that I just don't understand, as the girlfriend is a nurse and she sees kids die everyday.

He acts like he is the first person to ever think like this. The first prospective parent to ever be worried and stressed about the health of their child. I had to add, well where you were when ML was sick last summer? Granted, ML's medical issues are now pretty easy to deal with, she gets medicine twice a day for her epilepsy, and she has been seizure free for almost nine months (and of course I'm knocking on wood as I type this). However, he was never there for all the trips to the doctor, the ambulance rides and the hospital tests and visits when we were trying to find out what was wrong. When you are at the neurological department at the children's hospital and the doctor tells you she is looking for a brain tumor while she is examining your kid, it causes a bit of stress, and before that, a lot of sleepless nights.

OH, how I wanted to come through the phone and punch him!! How dare he complain about having another healthy girl.

To add insult to injury, he later phoned to try to talk to ML (she wont talk to her father on the phone) and then again starts to complain about how they have no money and it is so hard to raise a kid on one salary.... Honestly, I couldn't make this shit up! I again reminded him that I in fact do KNOW what that is like since I have only had child support for 4 months of ML's almost 4 years of life...

AARRGGGHHH!!!

One of those days...

2007-07-09T12:42:00.001-06:00

You know the kind where you sleep in and nothing seems to go right, and then your daughter, just because she can, refuses to wear any clothes besides her pajamas, and since you are so late already, refuses to do anything that you ask of her, you have to carry her to the car kicking and screaming, all the while she is crying about having to go to the daycare in her pajamas.... oh yeah it is pouring rain so there are tears about that as well....

Yeah it has been one of THOSE days!!

Vacation

2007-06-27T15:52:00.000-06:00

Did you miss me? Anyone even realize I was gone? sniff sniff!! Ok I promise no pity party today.

No I didn't drop off the face of the earth, ML and I took a great relaxing vacation to the West Coast. It was so needed. We needed some mom and daughter time away from all the distractions that have been around lately.

So we went to Victoria for a few days, then rented a car and drove up to Parksville. It was the perfect location for a family vacation. It was lonely though. This is the first vacation I have taken with ML that is over 4 days, and it got to be a bit lonely, so I think next time I will invite another adult or 2 along. It was after she went to bed in the evening, that I was really craving the adult time. And I didn't bring a laptop so no computer either, so it was just me, with a bevy and the TV or a book.

I took some really cute pictures, and I might even share!!

I have a few more posts brewing in my head, and I will post those when I clear my desk of all the work that was left for me when I was away.

Progress at the Soccer Field

2007-05-29T16:06:00.001-06:00

I haven't mentioned that I am the soccer coach for ML's under 4 soccer team. It is truly hilarious, and a lot like herding cats. It has been so much fun, I hope to be able to do this for a few more years. I guess we will see how much ML likes soccer, and even more, how much she likes having me as her coach!!

This past weekend was the soccer mini fest and run-a-rama. Pure fun!! There was a too early soccer game ( 8:30am!!) then a skills competition (yes that right for 3 & 4 year olds) then a run around the soccer fields to raise money, all topped off with a hot dog and chips! Fun truly was had by all.

The progress comes from the fact that ML's father was in attendance. This weekend was his, and since she had this soccer extravaganza, I invited him to watch. Was he late? Yes. Did he miss the whole soccer game? Yes. Did we actually get along? Yes. This was hard. Especially when he missed her game, after he promised her he would be there to watch. I did it for ML. I did tell him not to make promises that he couldnt keep, and I hope he does take that to heart. Only time will tell.

So see, progress has been made. I spent 2 hours with ML and her father. We didnt fight.

Someone commented on what a lovely family we were.... that was hard. I just smiled and said "thanks".

Was It Abuse?

2007-05-22T10:05:00.001-06:00

This post is really hard to write.

ML and I were at a friend's house on the weekend for a birthday party, and I think I witnessed something awful.

What happened? I think I witnessed a mom, my friend, lose it and actually abuse her son, E. And now I don't know what to do. Her son is a handful. That is an understatement. I could go on and on about why I think that is, from him never being consistently disciplined and his parents never having any time for him. However, that really is irrelevant right now.

E was misbehaving. E wasn't listening to his mom. E was hitting ML. My friend, took her son into the bathroom, and spanked him. And wow, could you hear the anger in her voice. She hit him, over and over again, hard. I counted at least 10 hits. I was standing outside of the bathroom, with my daughter, stunned. ML asked me why E was being bad. I had no idea what to say to that. I said "I don't know sweetheart", then directed her over to the toys and we started to clean up.

When we got home, I tried to talk to ML, tell her that it is NEVER OK to hit. I felt like such a hypocrite, as I didn't say anything to my friend. And ML said "but E got a spanking..."

When my friend came out of the bathroom, she said "I just don't know what to do with him, as nothing works, only spanking". I had no idea what I should say. I wanted to say "well spanking doesn't seem to be working either". I wanted to say, "spend some time with your son, stop leaving him every weekend with a babysitter". But I didn't.

I don't know what to do. Do I report this? Am I over reacting? Is it a mom just having a bad day? If I do anything, I am quite sure she would know it was me.

I want to do the right thing, I am just not sure what that is. I have confided in 2 people about what happened on the weekend. One said "you have enough on your plate, you don't need to get involved with this" and the other, was just as torn as me.

What if it was my child that was being hit, I would want someone to get involved. But I am so scared, what if E gets taken away? Is that in his best interest? How can I get my friend some help without that happening?

The only thing I do know, is that ML and I wont be spending anymore time with my friend and her son.

Mother's Day 2007

2007-05-15T12:41:00.000-06:00

Mother's day was a hard one for me this year.

ML was with her father on mother's day.

It was a nice weekend in theory, drinks with some other moms Saturday night, got to sleep in Sunday morning, off to brunch with my family, then shopping with my mom and sisters. All things that I like to do. It just felt empty without my daughter there. I know it is just a day, and I thought that it would truly be no big deal, as I have ML on Father's day, and I said we will just "switch days"... pretend mothers day is fathers day and vice versa... yeah not that easy.

However, ML did make me a card and a "sunshine". I will post pics soon.

WORLD AIDS ORPHANS DAY

2007-05-07T12:07:00.000-06:00

As stated in my adoption blog, I don't have anything profound to say about World AIDS Orphans Day, but want to recognize it.

There is a great blog post on Adoption Blogs by Sandra, that I think highlights the important stuff, so please go read what she wrote.

Her First Shiner

2007-05-07T10:58:00.000-06:00

I love the zoo. I love having a daughter that I can take to the zoo!! When you have a 3 year old to share your excitement with, it seems more acceptable to be a fool about the bears wrestling, the lions being really interested in the new baby giraffe, and finding the snow leopard.

Since this weekend was mine with ML, we went to the zoo.

It was an amazing day, except it appears my daughter has inherited my knack for complete clumsiness. It was a day of scrapes and bruises, the drying of tears, the applying of band-aids and anti-bacterial cream. She tripped over rocks that were at least 1/2 the size of her, she ran into other kids, tripped up the stairs going to see the gorillas, it was constant!

And when she woke up this morning, she was sporting a black eye....

OK this time it really is EVERYONE!!

2007-05-01T13:39:00.000-06:00

I have 2 sisters. Sister 1 announced her pregnancy on the Easter Weekend. Sister 2 announced her pregnancy today. They are twins so I guess it was written in the stars to happen this way.

But I told you, now EVERYONE is pregnant. (Ok I know not really...)

I was reading a post on one of the adoption forums , about how hard it can be to attend a baby shower, or to be happy when someone you are close to announces a pregnancy. I couldn't agree more. I am over the moon excited that I (finally) get to be an Auntie, and it is times 2!! However, the happiness I feel about their news, the excitement of anticipating the arrival of these little souls doesnt take the sting away. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

I know I am a lucky soul to have ML, but this babylust for a #2 is intense.

MEDIATION aka HELL

2007-05-01T09:03:00.000-06:00

Last night ML's father and I had mediation. It was awful. The mediator was supposed to be neutral, I beg to differ. He was a master on laying on the guilt and blame. He continually stated my daughter will hate me when she grows up, if I don't give in and let her father have the access he is asking for.

The Mediator asked me why I was so angry!! Oh I don't know, being taken to court and have mediation forced on you does that to a girl.

I have had some concerns about the time that my daughter spends with her father, and I am told that what my daughter says cannot be trusted, as 3 year olds lie. He then goes on to state that because of my anger (see above) she is behaving (i.e. lying), this way.

I was told it doesn't matter how many times her father comes and goes from her life, whenever he wants in, he is allowed. Any access he askes for, will be granted. This is what is in the best interest of the child. For me to think otherwise means that I am just selfish. It is my job to always let him back.

ML's father and I have 3 weeks to come to an agreement, basically, I have 3 weeks to agree to what he is asking for. The mediator does not want to see us again unless we have started to come up with an agreement.

The worst part of all this, is my family just says, "why are you so upset? You knew this was going to happen! Get over it, thousands of others have been in your shoes before, they don't think it is the end of the world."

Well right now it feels like the end of the world.

Copy Cat

2007-04-26T11:31:00.000-06:00

I am a total and complete copy cat!!

I have done what so many others have done before me and started a second blog, that ONLY deals with my journey to adoption.

Also it gives me an excuse to put a picture of my old cat BUD.

Want Bono's New Book??

2007-04-24T14:40:00.000-06:00

Owlhaven is giving away Bono's new Book On The Move, and to get in on the action all you have to do is leave a comment on her blog. So go ahead.... what are you waiting for?

* picture from Chapters.Indigo.ca

Communicating 101

2007-04-24T12:27:00.000-06:00

Warning, this is a bit of a rant!!

Last night I attended part 1 of 4 of my "parenting" classes that ML's father put as a condition for our new parenting agreement. It would be an understatement to say this this has made me angry.

As the title states, this class is devoted to communication, with the child and the other parent. It is all great information, that I have heard many times, with all the proper phrasing of questions, getting to collaboration, blah blah f&^$ing blah. Yeah and the whole time all I can think of is "Oh I hate him!!" So yeah, not in much of a collaborative mood!!

They go over the affects on the child when there is conflict between parents, what some of the physiological and psychological signs and effect conflict has on a child. "Kids do better when both parents are involved."

Talk about putting on the guilt!!

I hate the assumption that 2 parents are better than one. I think I have done a damn good job in raising my daughter. I hate that after 3 years, because her father has now decided that being a dad sounds like a good idea, I have to bend to his whim. I made a life for ML and me. Now that life feels like part time. Being a full time, working mother, the time we get to "do things", is on the weekend. Now, every second weekend I send her to another city to see her father. He has a live-in girlfriend, so of course (sarcasm intended), their household is looked upon very favourably. The courts see their set up as more "ideal" than mine. Never mind that he didn't want the dad gig when ML was born, and that he didn't become a part of her life until she was almost 3. None of that matters, he does now, I can just move aside, and let the real parenting begin, you know the kind with two parents.

The worst part of the class last night, was when the instructor said, and I quote "you know, 13 year old girls need a father to develop their sense of self esteem". Yeah... because us mom's out there wouldn't have any ideas on teaching our girl's how to value themselves, and that a women's self esteem should not be dependant on a man, regardless of who that man is!! Yeah a mom would have no idea what a 13 year old girl is going through. It has been 20 some years since I was thirteen, but I know I remember!!

I am absolutely not saying that kids do not need their fathers. I have an amazing Dad. I know lots of amazing dads. I also know many men who will become amazing dads. I even hope to one day have a partner to share this parenting gig with.

But you know the whole single adoptive parent by choice (SAMBCs- hat tip Hazel) is looking better and better all the time. I do not think I could handle another EX!!

What would you do?

2007-04-23T15:02:00.000-06:00

Would you EVER disrupt an adoption?

I think anyone who is considering or pursuing an adoption, international or domestic, should ask themselves this BIG question. What would you do if the child you are presented with on "gotcha day" is not what you were expecting, i.e. is sicker than you thought or has more or a special need(s) than you were prepared to deal with.

I have recently found Soul Autopsy, a women who is now wrestling with the decisions that she was forced to make. I like to think that I have my answer, but you just don't know until you are faced with such a decision. I don't think anyone should judge her, as I agree with the whole "walk a mile in their shoes" thing.

What are you willing to take on? What do you think you can handle?

A year ago, if anyone asked if I would consider adopting a child with special needs, I would have said no, that is not something that I am prepared to deal with. Ask me now, I have a much different answer. Why? What changed my mind? My Daughter. In October 2006 she was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I was devastated. Epilepsy seemed like the end of the world for my little girl. Now that we deal with it every day, it is just a part of life. Dealing with ML's epilepsy shows me that I could handle more than I thought.

When considering adopting any child, it is important to figure out what you can or are willing to take on, and knowing your limits is obviously extremely important. I just think that the special needs door should be left open, even a little, because you just never know what life will throw at you, and you never know just what you can handle.

Thoughts

2007-04-18T10:40:00.000-06:00

I have done a lot of thinking since the shootings at Virginia Tech.

First I must say I feel absolutely horrible for every person that lost a loved one, the pain and grief they are experiencing must be unbearable. Secondly, I hate guns. I hate that guns are so easily accessible in this world. I will always assert that more guns are never the answer.

And thirdly, and this is where I might become very unpopular, all I can think about it the thousands of people that die in this world from preventable and treatable diseases every day, and they never receive the coverage that this tragedy has been receiving. While watching some of the in depth reports last night, this was all I could think about.

With all this going around in my head, I came up with an analogy.

Imagine everyone that you have known that has had a Cancer diagnosis, dies. Imagine as well that the reason for this cancer is from western world greed and environmental pollution, hence it is our fault that so many are dying from this cancer. Now imagine that in (insert any country/region's name here), they have a treatment for this cancer, that although it doesn't cure cancer, it treats it. This treatment means that a cancer diagnosis is no longer a death sentence . However, those that have found/created the treatment, do not care to share. It is, after all, our fault that cancer is killing so many. It is because of our lifestyle and life choices (i.e. greed and polluting) that so many are dying. Why should people half way around the world care about us here, they need to look after themselves, their problems and their country/region.

In my life there has been 6 people who have had a cancer diagnosis. 5 are still alive. This is why this analogy really hits home for me. I would be screaming at the injustice of the world, as would the rest of North America, if this was happening. But it is this continent that is preventing the millions affected and dying of AIDS and other preventable and treatable diseases from obtaining the necessary treatments and/or vaccinations every year.

Ok, that felt good to get out.

Now go read There Is No Me Without You by Meilssa Faye Green and Race Against Time by Stephen Lewis.

Movie review - "Meet the Robinson's"

2007-04-10T09:29:00.000-06:00

I wanted to give my 2 cents in regards to this movie that has so much talk going around the adoption circles, on message boards and other Blogs.

I took my daughter to this movie this past weekend, as I wanted to start a dialogue with her about adoption. I am feeling a lot more confident that adoption is the path I want to take. Well so much for my grand intentions... she slept through the ENTIRE movie. So I guess we will go again when it comes to the cheap theatre.

The best review that I have read, that I think sums up what I felt from the movie as well was written by Erin at transracial/transcultural adoption blogs. I think that is it a cute movie, that has a great theme, keep moving forward, don't hold onto the past. We could all use a little reminding of that. As well, I think that they did a great job of showing that the first mom loved her son.

Of course it is a Disney movie, so it had to have a bad guy, characters were two dimensional etc. I think it has to be remembered that this is a kid's movie, and a cartoon, and it mostly is for entertainment, and not out to change the world.

*photo from Yahoo! Movies

Signs, Signs, Everywhere are Signs...

2007-04-09T10:21:00.000-06:00

In spite of all the babies that are being conceived around me, all I can seem to do lately is think about adoption. Can I really do it? What about attachment? What about ML? Is it fair to her, will I ruin all the special times we have together? Should I really wait until I have a partner? What if that never happens? (Feeling at the moment that it might never, yes pity party at my house). Can I really afford it? Can I handle the remarks that I know will come via my family?

I want ML to have a sibling(s). I do not know what I would do without my sisters, especially when my parents are driving me crazy. They are the only ones who truly understand. I want her to have that. I know as mentioned previously that she is being supplied with one via her father, but that is not the same. He has never been a constant in her life, and with the new baby coming, I am not sure that the visits will continue with any regularity.

So... Should I start the adoption process? Well in the last week there have been a few signs thrown in my face.

As I have mentioned before I read copious amounts of blogs. Most adoption related. And when I read about other families and their adoptions, it just seems so right, and they inspire me. Then I try to be realistic, and it all feels like it cannot happen. But in the last week I have "met" some awesome people through adoption blogs and message boards. It is so great to find others that feel the same as me. It gives me hope that I can do this, and that I am not crazy. It is these stories that I feel are the first sign that I can do this.

The second concerns a lottery ticket. I am not a lucky person. I was walking to the grocery store when I remembered that I had one, and that I should check it, and thought, if it has won anything, it is a sign that I should do this adoption thing. (It should be noted that in 1 year of buying, I have not won even a free ticket.) Well I won $2. Yeah, huge dent in financing the adoption!!

The third happens at a home party. For the first time I meet a family that has adopted from Haiti. I see this little girl, and all I can do is smile.

So of course I could be reading to much into everything, trying to convince myself to do it, looking for reasons to tell myself that I am not crazy. But maybe, someone is trying to tell me "go for it!"

And now EVERYONE seems to be....

2007-04-09T10:06:00.000-06:00

This Easter weekend has been a hard one for me. My sister announced that she is expecting, and all I could do is cry. I am so excited for her, but it just is a reminder that I am not having a baby this year. I know she thinks that I am not happy for her, and I am sorry that she has that idea, that is the furthest from the truth. I feel so selfish for feeling this way, but it has hit me hard.

Another one of my friends also announced that she is expecting at the same time as my sister, oh babies babies everywhere!

I hate feeling this way.

Of course she is pregnant.

2007-04-03T16:27:00.000-06:00

Who is pregnant you may ask? Well the girlfriend of my daughter's father of course!!

I think someone is trying to test me and how much I can handle. This is the girl he cheated on me with, and every time we fight, throws in my face, that they will have all the kids they want while I will just wither and die as I am so old....

And no I do not want him back nor do I want to have another child with him. It is just the principle of the matter. I am all about fairness, and I KNOW that the world is not a fair place, I know that it is minor in the grand scheme of things... but it still stings. Is this Irony or just a really fun coincidence, that my daughter joyfully explains "guess what mommy!! (girlfriend) has a real baby in her tummy, and I am going to have a brother or a sister" after her visit this past weekend, on the day I become single AGAIN!! Karma thinks she is very funny apparently. Either that or she is setting me up for some really fantastic stuff.... I am a pisces and a dreamer so I work with that.

Yeah the break- up, it certainly was the oddest one of my life. We broke up over breakfast that he cooked, and then went to his church together. I cannot say that has ever happened before!!

Ok Karma and Fates... I am ready for what you are going to throw at me next.

Who is a bad blogger?? ME?? huh?

2007-03-30T11:21:00.000-06:00

Wow, I pull together 3 posts then I dissappear for 3 months.

Somethings have happened in my life, that I should update on here.

I met someone, lets call him P~. Things, I thought, were going along great, then he pops the question, in a not very romantic way, and I said no, I need more time. It has been a relationship of 3 months. And after mulling that around figure that it is not just that it has been a short time, that we are not meant to be... planning on ending it this weekend. I should have a good post about that. I am very sad about ending it, as he is a fabulous guy, and he is just what I want/need on "paper" but he is not the one. I like him, I care about him, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the one. I will miss him, but it is not fair to keep him around because I am lonely.

What else... oh yeah ML's dad has taken me to court to re-work our parenting agreement, and it is not going well. Lots of tears on all parts. ML is going to his house very other weeknd, and she does not like it. I am hoping that we all get used to this arrangement soon, and life can continue. The good thing I guess is that I am finally receiving some child support... looking for the silver lining here.

I still have adoption in my heart. It feels like it could be a reality now, not just a pipe dream. I need to get my finances in order and start. I know this is a hard road, I know that family may not be supportive oh my decision as I am a single mom with limited fiances. But I know that I do well enough to have another child or 2 (or more....) in my house.

I also really would like to have another bio kid. I have discussed this previously, and that has not gone away... just need to find mr right.

So I feel I should explain...

2006-11-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

Wow haven't posted for over 3 weeks and now I can't stop!!
Well I have had a lot of posts in my head... But never felt compelled to write them. Until now it seems...

Anyways, I feel like I should explain why I am drawn to infertility blogs when it appears that I am not in fact infertile at the moment. It all started when I went looking on g00gle for something to help me deal with the baby lust I have. You see I desperately want another child. A few even. And while there doesn't appear to me a medical reason to stop me, I am single and I don't want to have another baby by myself. So in my wonderings I found alittlepregnant. I read it from the beginning and cried and cried. That lead to the list and more crying.

A lot of the feeling shared by these bloggers I feel myself. I desperately want another baby. I am afraid that my daughter will be an only. And of course that is ok, she is more than enough, but I want her to have siblings, and I want more kids. Very few people I speak to about this in REAL LIFE get this. They all say, oh one is enough, you have ML... But every month my period comes and I think well no baby next August etc. I am not even in a relationship, and that makes me very sad as well. Crying festivals have been known to occur because of this.

Then there is the wonderful world of adoption. After reading adoption blogs, I feel so drawn to adoption , and know that I will add to my family through adoption, regardless of whether I have another biological child. I will admit I used to think that it was second best, but no more. I would start the adoption process right now this very second if I had the means to. And I know it is how my family will grow in the future

So now I am very "educated". I now feel like I can "talk" to K about her IVF twins without coming across as an asshole. I can also tell an acquaintance that it is not appropriate to ask if they are "natural". I feel like I knew how to listen to my dear friend S who has lost 3 babies and how not to say some assholish* thing... And I knew that my friend M who just went through a miscarriage most likely just needed to hear "I'm sorry, I'm here if/when you need me".

So there is my explanation. I am not sure if they ever expected this kind of audience, but if any of them ever read this, they will know that have helped me deal with a few of my feelings, and to know that even though the circumstances may be different, we feel very similar things, and thanks.

I've been inspired by Tertia... Twice this week! Here is the result of the first.

2006-11-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

So I read infertility blogs. I have never experienced any issues with fertility, see daughter ML as my first piece of evidence... She was conceived when I was sloppily taking the pill... ( I am ducking from all the shoes that would be thrown my way if in fact anyone else read this... But I digress).

Anyways Tertia's blog is a favorite of mine, and 2 posts this week just got to me so much that I had to write about them myself.

The first post that got me going was about whether you should discipline other people's children.

Ok my friends think that I am a hard ass mom, and that's ok, I probably am. The thing is I have little tolerance for badly behaved children. Don't get me wrong, I am not like a strict no fun in our house mom, I just have some rules and they need to be followed. That means any children in my house whether they belong to me or not, have to follow these rules.

I do have a dear friend of mine that has a son a month older than ML, and we used to hang out all the time, so much people thought that we were a Lesbian couple raising twins... (hint to the second post that inspired me) anyways, her son was never made to behave... And he was not pleasant to be around. When he was in my house, it would fall to me to be the heavy and the disciplinarian. I did it at first, but it really affected out friendship. But not in the way you would imagine. She left it to me to deal with her son. And I got tired of it. So we don't hang out with the kids as much anymore. We go for lunch on work days or go out just with adults.

Now maybe I could have left him to be disciplined by his mother, but I believe the same result would have occurred. We would still mostly see each other in non kid times and places. I would like for this to change in the future, but don't see it happening unless her son's behavior changes.

I have asked other moms about this. What do you do when one of your mom friends has a child that is not fun to be around? Do you stop being friends with that mom? Only do grown up things together? Wait it out and hope that it is a phase?

"Mom You're Fat"

2006-10-20T12:50:00.000-06:00

Fun title for a post dont you think? This is what my daughter ML said to me last night. After the initial shock that these words came out of her mouth ( she's 3) and confirming that I did indeed hear correctly, I asked her why she said this and her response.... "papa (her father) said it".

So yes I will admit it, I am not supermodel thin. I have struggled with my weight since highschool. My fabulous boyfriend back then told me I was fat (um not the case at all, when I see pics from then I want to scream at myself!!!). This is one thing I want so much for my daughter not to be saddled with. I know I can't control that, but I can do my damnedest!!! ( Is that a word? my mom uses it so I am continuing...)

So back to where she heard it from. Yeah I can hear him saying this. He has a major issue with weight. When I was pregnant he loved reminding me how big my ass was becoming, and afterwards decided that my stretchmarked stomach was quite repulsive... yeah I know a real catch... but I digress....

Of course I questioned her everyway I could think of (thanks Law & Order) to find out if in fact she did hear this from him or from other kids or... she kept saying "nope no one else, just papa, he says that I'm fat too, both of us are" and she is smiling the whole time, thinking that this is a compliment....

For the record I have questioned him on this and he denies that he ever said such a thing...

So then ML and I had a talk about how this is not something nice to say to people, that it hurts their feelings blah blah blah... and that in fact neither of us are in fact "fat".

What makes me the most angry is this is appearing in a 3 year old's vocabulary. I dont want her to be one of those girls who at age 10 are on a diet. I hate that this society puts so much importance on the way a woman looks. My mantra after finally ditching the asshole boyfiend in high school was "I was not put on this earth for you too look at". And although it didnt always work to get rid of my insecurities and body issues, it is still what this feminist believes. I know I have a lot of work to do do help my daughter not have these same issues, I just wish it didnt have to start before she knew "fat" was a bad word.

Inaugural post

2006-10-17T09:44:00.000-06:00

Well every blog seems to have this post, and it seems as good a start as any.

I am entering blogland, adding my take on the world as seen through the lens of this single mom's eye. I have been reading blogs for about 6 months now and I love them. I am constantly thinking of what a post I would write would look like in response to one that I have read.. so what am I waiting for??

Ok, so I do not profess to be a fabulously witty and humourous writter, and I am a terrible speller, apparently even earning an university degree doesnt help that. (I blame spell check.)

So here it goes.... be easy on my... its my first time!